Just don't know what to think of this woman...

[whatachancer]

So a bit of a random
One but I thought I might ask your opinions on a woman I have recently encountered a few times.
We spoke about relationships and her thoughts are that a couple should really spend all their free time together when they live apart; so for example if they see each other only every weekend, it should be them and them only.
My own relationship allows us to see one another every weekend but we mix it
Up with family/ friends at times.
She also spoke about the way she' tells' her partner what's allowed and what's not eg social media use, social lives, holidays etc.
Again I was perplexed.

Then we spoke about disagreements where she casually dropped in regular screaming and shouting episodes at her partner when he has'done wrong' and how he goes silent.
I left these encounters wondering if she is batshit or am
I missing something here.
I am very laid back and in forty years of relationships never have I been screamed at or screamed at a partner. Is this the norm when arguing?
Just a bit confused about her really.

Can you elaborate on how she 'tells' her partner what is and isn't allowed? e.g. 'you must not use SM'?

She’s different to you. And her relationship may not be that healthy if there screaming etc but I don’t know why you are confused. Surely you’ve met people before who are different or have relationships that run differently to yours or even have bad relationships?

Sounds like she doesn't have a healthy relationship model.

Yes perhaps that's it, we are different.
We were chatting about social media and she told me that her partner had posted about his missing cat and a female friend commented and had said' pm'd you hun ' and this woman went bananas!
I was baffled by this.
He got a job offer which would mean he would be away for long periods. She said she agreed to it but he wouldnt have gone if she had said no! Almost like she allowed it.
They have no kids or shared finances.
I guess I do find it unusual but as a op said, we are just different.

She's not a woman I'd want anything to do with. She sounds incredibly controlling.

It could be how she describes things (screaming as opposed to heatedly discussing) or she could be abusive, or he could be, or it could be a terrible relationship.

I don't think you are confused about her. I think you are judging her and have come here to have a bit of a vent about how 😱 you are about what she says under faux concern/confusion!

Not that I'm going to berate you for that...

But you can't possibly imagine that you are missing something because that element of dysfunction is lacking from your life.

Some people are controlling. Some women are controlling. Some relationships are shit. Some people don't have the boundaries or the self esteem to either avoid getting in that deep or to get out once they have.

I really am confused. I'm not interested in being judgmental. I know that every relationship including my own, can be different behind closed doors but this woman is so open and almost boasting to me about how she really decides what what in her relationship and her boundaries are so tight that there's no room for negotiation.
I've genuinely never encountered someone like that before.

I suspect she feels that she's being assertive and has good boundaries and knows what she wants 🤷🏻‍♀️

If she's almost bragging about it, she doesn't see it in the way most people will. Which is A Bit Fucked Up.

I also read this as being disingenuous. I am struggling to believe yoire so utterly confused you want to know if screaming at someone is normal

if you don’t like her just say so. You’re an adult I assume.

I'd guess that what she tells you and the truth are two very different things.

I agree with @GreyCarpet , some people talk about themselves like this and seem to think they are being assertive with great boundaries, rather than being a controlling arsehole. Don't be confused, just call it for what it is.

I don't quite get your confusion. Is it that you like this woman in general and therefore her extremely controlling views on relationships surprised you? It can't be news to you that some people are totally crazy when it comes to this sort of thing... Maybe it's unusual to admit as much though, particularly to someone you don't know well....

You're "confused" "perplexed" "baffled" ? Such hyperbole. Have you led a sheltered life op?

Reminds me a lot of someone I used to know years ago. She had been in a horrible relationship since school with a man who was cheating on someone else with her, but wouldn't leave her alone. He had total control of when she saw him, treated her with contempt but wouldn't let her go as he liked the ego boost of someone being that stuck on him. Nasty, violent character.

Anyway, she sort of saw other men alongside him despite being nuts about the dickhead. She would say things along the lines of the woman in the OP, giving the impression she had these men falling about over her, and she was extremely assertive, in control of the situation and took no nonsense- 'he did so and so and I went nuts, he's not done it since', for instance. In reality, most of these men were also cheating on long term partners or were just shit.

This aggressive talk was simply comforting herself, as she felt she had no agency in her own relationships thanks to.the long running, I would say abusive, situation.

Maybe the woman you know has had similar and is over compensating now? She could just be controlling, of course.

If all you have is her account of things, and you seem baffled perhaps you don't have the full picture?

We were chatting about social media and she told me that her partner had posted about his missing cat and a female friend commented and had said' pm'd you hun ' and this woman went bananas!

Well who was the woman? I mean if it was someone he had been carrying on with and said he would never contact again, perhaps she had every right to go bananas. if it was Ethel from down the road who worked at the local bakery, then thats totally different situation.

He got a job offer which would mean he would be away for long periods. She said she agreed to it but he wouldnt have gone if she had said no! Almost like she allowed it.
Don't most couples though discuss things like this? if my DP got offered a job that meant he had to be away for long periods of time, we'd discuss it. Its not about allowing him, but it would be talked what impact it would have etc and I think its normal in relatonships to run things by your partner and if something wouldn't work for both of them then that gets considered?

Have you actually observed her screaming at him? No idea, but think it sounds like you both use different vocab in different context maybe. And she has boundaries. Surely if her DP is happy with those boundaries thats why he is with her. If he wasn't he'd just leave surely?