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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not your bloody alarm clock

28 replies

PurpleCatCuddles · 16/08/2022 07:38

DW and I (both women) are quite different in that I'm naturally a morning person and she is naturally a night owl.

She has been wanting to get up earlier (well, and needing to - it's not really acceptable to sleep until 10am every day when you've got a busy life). She's been trying to get up at 6:30am so that she can have a workout and wake up properly, rather than rushing to her desk at 8:45am having just woken up. She has explicitly asked me to wake her up if her alarm does not do so.

We've gotten into a bit of a pattern of her turning her alarm off and me having to wake her up. She is grouchy in the mornings and this is horrible to do because until she has had her morning coffee she is not nice to be around! I have now found out that over the last week or so, she's decided to not even bother setting an alarm as me getting her up is more effective (even though it starts my day on a bad foot).

I've asked her not to do this multiple times and explained how this whole situation makes me feel. Well, she's done it again. Am I awful for only trying to wake her up once today, and then leaving her to it? I'm quite sick of dealing with a grouchy 30 year old teenager every morning despite making the conditions as nice as possible - dealing with the dogs, making her morning coffee etc.

Thank you.

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 16/08/2022 07:42

My DP can be like this. I refuse - he's an adult with responsibilities and it's not like you can't set multiple alarms on a phone. I'm not his parent.

chelle0 · 16/08/2022 07:42

She is old enough to get herself up. If she wakes up late, that's her problem, not yours and if she's late she might learn a lesson to set an alarm and sort herself out!

Ragwort · 16/08/2022 07:42

I couldn't stand that ... but is she good to you in other ways? I have an irrational dislike of people who can't get up in the mornings which I know is petty but it's just so unattractive if people are bad tempered and rude first thing in the morning. I don't like going to bed late at night, but that doesn't mean I strop around and am unpleasant after 9pm ...
Don't really know what the answer is though ......fortunately my DH and I are both larks.

TheHopefulMum · 16/08/2022 07:43

I feel your pain OP. My DH is exactly the same, alarm will be set, normally 5.30 as he needs to leave for work by 7am and I also need time to get up get myself ready and get DC's up for school etc.

DH will almost never wake for the alarm and only wakes when I wake him to specifically say can you turn the alarm off, he will then go back to sleep with me continuously 'waking him' for the next hour or so, whilst also sorting myself, dogs etc.

What annoys me more is when I have a day off and I still have to be up to make sure he's up for work!!

If you find a solution please let me know, although I suspect we may just need to live with it unfortunately.

Original poster
PurpleCatCuddles · 16/08/2022 07:44

Ragwort · 16/08/2022 07:42

I couldn't stand that ... but is she good to you in other ways? I have an irrational dislike of people who can't get up in the mornings which I know is petty but it's just so unattractive if people are bad tempered and rude first thing in the morning. I don't like going to bed late at night, but that doesn't mean I strop around and am unpleasant after 9pm ...
Don't really know what the answer is though ......fortunately my DH and I are both larks.

Yep she's brilliant in every other way. This is her one flaw really. She does have chronic fatigue, and I do too so I get it - but she's the one who wants to be waking up at 6:30am to lift weights!

You're right though, bad temperedness is so unattractive.

OP posts:
SavingsThreads · 16/08/2022 07:45

Are you also awake then or is it disturbing your sleep?

If you're also awake/waking up then I suggest putting a loud alarm clock on her side of the room, far enough a way that she has to properly move to turn it off

Antarcticant · 16/08/2022 07:45

YANBU. If you get up when her alarm goes off and she turns over and goes back to sleep, that's on her.

Has she thought about setting two alarms - one for her 'aspirational' rising time and the second for her realistic latest-she-can get away with time?

She would be better to accept she's not a morning person and plan her life around that, e.g. have her workout after work instead.

Original poster
PurpleCatCuddles · 16/08/2022 07:46

TheHopefulMum · 16/08/2022 07:43

I feel your pain OP. My DH is exactly the same, alarm will be set, normally 5.30 as he needs to leave for work by 7am and I also need time to get up get myself ready and get DC's up for school etc.

DH will almost never wake for the alarm and only wakes when I wake him to specifically say can you turn the alarm off, he will then go back to sleep with me continuously 'waking him' for the next hour or so, whilst also sorting myself, dogs etc.

What annoys me more is when I have a day off and I still have to be up to make sure he's up for work!!

If you find a solution please let me know, although I suspect we may just need to live with it unfortunately.

Oh my god this is exactly how it is here! Except today I've went in once at 6:30am and that's it.

I'm thinking if she is late to work (she won't get into trouble, she's flexible working anyway), it will make it clear that this is no longer something I will do. Apparently my actual words don't mean much so actions hopefully will.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleCatCuddles · 16/08/2022 07:47

SavingsThreads · 16/08/2022 07:45

Are you also awake then or is it disturbing your sleep?

If you're also awake/waking up then I suggest putting a loud alarm clock on her side of the room, far enough a way that she has to properly move to turn it off

Yes I'm up and toddling about by 5am generally. This is a fantastic idea!

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleCatCuddles · 16/08/2022 07:48

Antarcticant · 16/08/2022 07:45

YANBU. If you get up when her alarm goes off and she turns over and goes back to sleep, that's on her.

Has she thought about setting two alarms - one for her 'aspirational' rising time and the second for her realistic latest-she-can get away with time?

She would be better to accept she's not a morning person and plan her life around that, e.g. have her workout after work instead.

She's too tired after work. To be fair she has chronic fatigue. She's working full time and prior to working full time she worked out most days. I get that she's desperate to fit it back into her life but it's still not on.

I'll mention the alarm clock setting idea, thank you!

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 16/08/2022 07:50

My ex husband expected me to be his alarm clock, it's typical parent/child. He has depression and other health conditions so couldn't possibly wake up himself or with an alarm.

Funny how now we've split he can get himself to work on time...

It was just another item to add to my mental load and he didn't care.

Original poster
PurpleCatCuddles · 16/08/2022 07:51

SortingItOut · 16/08/2022 07:50

My ex husband expected me to be his alarm clock, it's typical parent/child. He has depression and other health conditions so couldn't possibly wake up himself or with an alarm.

Funny how now we've split he can get himself to work on time...

It was just another item to add to my mental load and he didn't care.

This is honestly how it feels. Sorry you've also had to deal with this!

OP posts:
stuntbubbles · 16/08/2022 07:55

Get her one of those alarm clocks that jumps off the bedside table and scuttles away when you hit snooze so you’re forced out of bed to find it.

HillCrestingGoat · 16/08/2022 08:01

She needs to move the alarm clock so she physically has to get out of bed to turn it off. Or get a light alarm that gradually gets brighter. I have this and I am a morning person. But no, it is not your responsibility to wake her up.

@TheHopefulMum tell him from X date you will not be doing this and get him to come up with a solution. You are not his mother.

midlifecrash · 16/08/2022 08:20

Get a second alarm clock, put it on the other side of the room, leave her to it

CalistoNoSolo · 16/08/2022 08:34

This would give me the rage and I absolutely wouldn't pander to it. Its so juvenile to not ge able to get up on time. OP, just tell her you're not her wake up call and that she needs to sort herself out from now on and then just ignore. It's not your responsibility to set alarms/buy alarms/chuck a bucket of water over an adult who can't be arsed to get out of bed in the morning.

Flakjacketon · 16/08/2022 08:46

My DH is like this. I refuse to get him up. The DC managed to get themselves up and ready for school, without my intervention, so he can too.

Aprilx · 16/08/2022 08:53

DH is an owl and I am a lark. I wouldn’t say he relies on me to get him up, he uses an alarm, but if he ignores it, well then yes he might ask why I didn’t get up and I inform him that I am not his parent. That said I wouldn’t knowingly watch him be stupidly late for work, but if he doesn’t get up at the weekend for something or other I may leave it.

He does definitely use alarms though, if he were completely relying upon me, rather than expecting me to be his back up plan, I would not be impressed.

mumda · 16/08/2022 08:55

Mobile phones can have multiple alarms minutes apart.

ShandaLear · 16/08/2022 08:55

I honestly wouldn’t bother. She’s a grown ass capable woman and would do it if she really wanted to. If she was going on holiday and her flight was leaving at 6.30am you can bet your backside she’d be on it. You’re not her mum and you don’t deserve early morning rudeness. Let her sleep until 10am.

GlitteryGreen · 16/08/2022 09:02

How's it gone? Is she up yet?

SueDenime · 16/08/2022 09:09

DH doesn't set an alarm for himself (he doesn't have a phone) so relies on me to wake him up every morning. I'm an early riser so I'm always up hours before he is.

It is a bit annoying, particularly if I accidentally lose track of time and make him late. I can't leave him asleep because then he'd be late for work, so it seems like a pointless thing to make a fuss about really.

It is annoying though, OP.

Arenanewbie · 16/08/2022 09:39

I second her getting loud alarm clock and moving it on the other side of the room. I’m an owl and used to do this in my 20s to wake me up. I can’t do this now unfortunately because of DD but it’s a really good way.
However I think she should be realistic, most owls struggle with exercises first thing in the morning so maybe she should aim just for earlier wake up first.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2022 09:48

TheHopefulMum · 16/08/2022 07:43

I feel your pain OP. My DH is exactly the same, alarm will be set, normally 5.30 as he needs to leave for work by 7am and I also need time to get up get myself ready and get DC's up for school etc.

DH will almost never wake for the alarm and only wakes when I wake him to specifically say can you turn the alarm off, he will then go back to sleep with me continuously 'waking him' for the next hour or so, whilst also sorting myself, dogs etc.

What annoys me more is when I have a day off and I still have to be up to make sure he's up for work!!

If you find a solution please let me know, although I suspect we may just need to live with it unfortunately.

This is madness. Just stop doing it. He'll be forced to act like an adult.

Lilithslove · 16/08/2022 10:19

I have a lot of trouble sleeping which leads to it being very hard to wake up early as often I will have been lying awake til 3am so when my alarm goes off my body is screaming for more sleep so I do have sympathy for the OP's partner. However this is for her to manage herself.

6.45 seems very early for a natural night owl. Would it not make more sense for her to start with 7.30 and push it back in 15 minute increments.

Get a second alarm clock, put it on the other side of the room,

I do this when I have to be up very early. It helps as you have to wake up properly to switch it off.

If she has chronic fatigue though it seems like she might actually need the sleep which I can imagine must be quite frustrating for her if she feels like she can't do the things she wants to do. It can't be easy for her.

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