Guilt at moving away from family and the resulting compromises

[Checkitoutnow]

DH and I moved with his work to the US three years ago. The plan is to be here for a up to five years (it’s an overseas placement). I feel tremendous guilt about this from my family as we’ve taken our children away from grandparents. DH’s parents are more happy about the situation as he’s from a mixed nationality family. Mine, not so much. For background, I’m British, DH is Irish.

Every holiday we get the same dynamic. We suggest coming over and we’re told there’s no need to, it’s a long way. The last year we had the same dance - don’t come, don’t come until we booked a ticket and my parents really enjoyed it. This year, we have the same dynamic, and we have to decide in the next few days whether to book. I’m just tempted to say sod it and not come, but I feel so bad about it. I do share my parents’ sympathies that living far from family is not always ideal but we made a family decision and we have to live with it. It’s not permanent and in the meantime, our children are experiencing new things, we’re working and developing careers.

what would you do in our situation? How do you handle the guilt? Is it justified?

It’s late here and I can’t sleep pondering this so I may not reply too well until the morning.

We live abroad - france - so not as far as you but honestly I don’t feel guilt so much because this is my life to live! I do think my parents are missing out on DS but they did the same and moved to London for work when starting out so left my grandparents areas etc. Your situation is only temporary. I think for some they decide it’s not worth it; we’ve had friends go back to be with family; but it’s just a choice only you can make. I suppose for me the money is a big thing; I need a good reason to be here otherwise it’s not worth it. Yours is temporary though by the sounds of it! I think you’ll have to travel back to the UK tbh it doesn’t sound like they want to come that far and that is their choice to or not but you should be prepared to travel back if they’re not big travellers xox

thanks. We fully expect it’s on us to come back for visits, but we get this push from them “oh don’t bother, it’s a lot of effort”

I don’t think you should feel guilty about going - as it sounds like a great opportunity and temporary. But I think expecting them to travel out a long way is a different thing.

We have family abroad and it’s really hard and expensive for us to travel - as we have young kids. Some older people find travel hard and stressful too.

Don't feel guilty. Make sure you see them when you can. Invite them to the US and do a family trip - it really is the most wonderful country. Make the most of it as it should be a fantastically positive experience. Include them and they won't feel abandoned or anything like that.

Guilt is useless in this situation. You haven’t done anything wrong, there’s no atonement to do, nothing to repair.

You and your husband took an amazing opportunity for your family. Embrace it, enjoy it, and quit spending your emotional energy on guilt. You and your family deserve a guilt free experience 💐

And it's really not a lot of effort to come back

Guilt doesn't get you anywhere. You took a decision, it isn't for ever and your children are benefitting from new experiences and a different culture.

Your parents are being selfish. You and your children must live your lives. It isn't as if they can't see you. It is their reluctance to fly that is the problem.

Are they very old or scared of flying? Or is it just general inconvenience that bothers them. Surely they get new experiences when they visit, too.

How old are they? How old are your DC? How much annual leave do you/your DH get?
If he's on a minimal holiday and you're not working, I'd save his leave for exploring the US and you can the DC back by yourself. Alternatively, could you pay for your parents flights out to the US?

Don't feel guilty, you did the right thing. If they continue to try to dissuade you as it's too much effort agree with them and don't come, it's cheaper for them to come to you for one thing. Especially as they can do it at cheaper times of year.