This might be it for my mum and I don't know how to feel.

[wavesrolling]

She's been ill on and off for about 10 years now, but we found out last week that the latest issue is terminal, with possibly up to a year left.

I have an okay relationship with her- we're not close and she favours my older sister. When she was ill the first time, I moved home and helped my dad to care for her. She said lots of times that she didn't want my help and why couldn't I go and look after my niece so that my sister could come and look after mum. Obviously, that wasn't going to work, but she would have preferred it.

It's been up and down since then, but I've helped as much as I was permitted. I found out from another family member last year that she had PND with me, and that I was difficult as a baby because I needed operations and wasn't easy. I didn't know much about this, including the medical history, so it was a bit of a shock. However, it made me realise why she prefers my sister.

I'm struggling with my thoughts about this. I feel bad for not being as upset as my sister. It's horrible news and I feel for my mum, but also seem a bit... I don't know. Numb? Is that normal? She's already told my dad that she doesn't want to come and stay with me if it comes to that. I feel like a bad daughter.

You've only just found out, so it's going to take a while to sort out your feelings. And given the explanations of your childhood and the favouritism, it's no wonder you don't really know how to feel or what you're feeling.

You're not a bad daughter, you've tried really hard, and got a lot of rejection and distance in return, none of which is justified.

Give yourself time, and, you are allowed to be angry and hurt about the way you've been treated. Sadly terminal illness doesn't cure or erase the past or family dynamics.

Thank you, @category12. One of my friends said I should make the most of the time we have left, but I don’t know that she will want to spend that precious time with me. I don’t know whether to let her take the lead with visits from now on, instead of making plans like I would normally do.

You feel how you feel. There is no right or wrong about it.
Personally if she had asked me to look after my niece so her preferred sister could look after her I would have withdrawn my services at that point.

Oh that all sounds really hard to deal with and you probably feel quite hurt by it.
Is it possible to sit and have a conversation with your mum about her PND etc or is that not an option?
What does your dad and sister say about it?
Really sorry.

Ahhh the FOG. The fear obligation and guilt that you feel when you are a child to a parent who is toxic or abusive towards you.

Your mother clearly has a golden child / scapegoat situation here and you are of course the scapegoat. Despite all your efforts your mother is treating you like crap and its time to recognise that and hopefully learn how best to deal with it.

You're clearly so conditioned to being treated poorly by her that her comments seem to be water off a ducks back rather than you realising just how horrible they are.

Just because she's now ill doesn't change anything, despite what others say. I've been NC with mine for over 14 years and it's been exactly what I needed. Mine was vile to me from the age of 8 or so, physical, mentally and emotionally abusive and blamed me for it, or her own mother, because she had 'a terrible childhood' you see, there's always a reason or someone else's fault why they're toxic towards you. The real reason is just that they're an abusive bully and the only way to deal with them is to cut them out.

You may find the stately homes thread over in relationships helpful. Good luck OP

It's honestly ok to feel confused and ambivalent. I know I did when my mother was dying a couple of years ago.
I felt guilty as I didn't feel any grief when she died and actually had some therapy about this.
I travelled across the world - literally - several times during her terminal illness and found that she just wanted my sister around. I was kinda "booked in" for an hour each day. It was deeply hurtful as she was very abusive through my childhood but I tried so hard to do the right thing nonetheless.
Whatever you feel is your business OP and please try not to feel bad. You don't have to listen to anyone telling you what you "should" do.

What Treacletoots said. I have experienced some of what you're talking about. Numbness is also what I had. I think we're protecting ourselves. You know she's going to say more hurtful things, you're bracing yourself. I think do what you're comfortable with doing / offering, rather than what you feel you ought to. You'll feel the FOG, but recognising that for what it is helps a lot.

You’re not a bad daughter. She is a bad mum.
can you imagine treating your adult child with such contempt because they weren’t an ‘easy’ baby? Probably not. Back away and feel no guilt in doing so. You’re a saint for making so much effort when you’ve been treated so poorly by your own mum.

Me too. Don’t feel bad OP. She’s been very hurtful to you, it’s not your fault that you needed operations as a child or that she had PND. You’re not a bad daughter, you’ve gone above and beyond in the circumstances. I wouldn’t forgive her behaviour and would just get on with my life.

You’ve been a saint in my opinion, she’s been a bad mum.

No child deserves to be made to feel like your mum makes you feel, let alone tell you to your face. I’m sorry she’s so ill, but she’s taken a very clear stand and I would take a big step back in return. I don’t think your relationship with her will ever truly change, sadly. It must be so difficult for you to come to terms with. But she has shown you how she feels so you have every right to act accordingly, without any regrets. I’m not saying don’t be there all together or to go no contact if this isn’t your wish. All I’m saying is that whatever you decide to do is the right one. Do what’s right for YOU in the long run, that way you will never look back at this time with regrets.

@rainbowstardrops My sister doesn't really understand. She's naturally really upset by the news and has wanted to talk about it a lot with me. Seeing and hearing how distraught she is made me start this post in the first place. She has always maintained that our mum is amazing, and doesn't see how I could have any other opinion about how we were raised.

My dad is nice, but was largely away with work growing up. He's just getting on with things at the moment, researching and contacting doctors, getting all the information to make her as comfortable as possible.

Thank you all for the replies, you've been very kind to me. I don't feel she's been a bad mum, and not on purpose if she has. She had to do most of the work at home and that must have been hard with two kids and our dad away every week. I think I'm just disappointed in myself for not being able to do more.

You are being far too kind. Your mum has made it clear she prefers your sister's company, and she doesn't care about hurting you by saying it. She doesn't appreciate all you did last time she was ill. Those are not the actions of a good mum.

It is understandable that you have mixed feelings now. And a different view to your sister's - after all, your sister has gone through life being the golden child so her memories will be very different to yours. Your memories and feelings are real and not to be dismissed.

Don't feel guilty about your feelings. Your mum has caused them by treating you how she has.

You can only do what she'll let you do, and it's not your job to keep putting yourself forward to be rejected or pushed away.

Of course your sister has a different perspective of your childhoods - she was the favoured child, (which sometimes comes with issues of its own).

It's a shame your mum never did anything to help herself if her behaviour has come from a place of pain, but you were an innocent child who deserved better, and have been a kind daughter trying her best as an adult.

You seem to be quite overwhelmed with guilt/feeling bad. You’re thinking of everyone else but you need to think of yourself too. I think you’ve been dealt a pretty bad hand, you’ve done nothing wrong but are criticising and punishing yourself. I actually think you would benefit from a good therapist to talk all this through with OP. Being the less favoured child through no fault of your own and having the feelings you do has the potential to cause further issues.

Why would you be disappointed in yourself because you are not able to do something you can’t do/aren’t allowed to do??

Your mum is CHOOSING to have any help from you. That’s her call but yu can’t then feel guilty or disappointed in yourself because you can’t do what she is forbidding your to do!! Its HER choice, not yours after all.

Why are you feeling you could do more when she is pushing you away? Saying this gently.. you need to accept it. Don't move back in. Let your sister take responsibility. You build up your own life.

I can say that as I was an unwanted child. It hurts.

As for nit feeling as devastated as your dsis…. you know that it’s all down to the way your mum has treated the two of you.
She is entitled to her feelings. But you are ALSO entitled to yours. They are not wrong or unacceptable because they are not what you would expect from ‘a goo daughter’. They are what they are because of the way your mum behaved towards you.

Btw I had bad PND with my first, followed by AND whilst pregnant with my second. I have never treated dc1 as a scapegoat. I made the CHOICE o treating equally, even when it didn’t come naturally to me. I made a conscious effort to love him like I love dc2.
And you know what, the lack of bonding etc…. disappeared. I now have an young adult dc that I get on well with, treat the same than his sibling, love and connect with.
PND might make things harder to bind with your baby. Never establishing a connexion with your child is a choice.

It's sad your mother isn't as engaged with you as much as she is with your sister, but it's nothing to do with you and you have been a good daughter. I think sometimes when you are ill and knowing death isn't far away you can be unconsciously unkind. Your mind is just not on the other person. I'm guessing g she wasn't actually cruel to you growing up, just more invested in your sister. My mother was the same, but I know she loved me, just not as much as my younger sister. Parents shouldn't show favouritism but should love each child for the individual they are, but sometimes they identify more with one than the other. Difficult for the other children I know, but it's usually not traumatising mentally. Just something you accept and it's easier if you have your own children and partner to love.

You will still have plenty of time with your mother in the coming year, and all you can do is support her and you sister, and hopefully your sister understands and supports you too. Recriminations are useless and something you would only regret, so don't do this. Mothers are just human beings with their faults and strengths, even though as children we think they are superwomen.

Difficult for the other children I know, but it's usually not traumatising mentally.

Thats not true. Sadly, having a favourite child can cause lots of negative long term effects on both favourite and not favourite children.

OP I would just say, if there are circumstances which do sort of work for you and your Mum, whatever they are, try and aim for those and duck everything else.
You are who you are, shaped by your respective lives, and there won't be much change now. If the moment arises (and it may not, or she may shut you down) you could ask about her own childhood, or her PND, etc, but play that all by ear.

I suppose now is definitely the time to get her to identify people in old family photos :/ - a quick way is just to point a phone at the pics and video her (voice - camera shows the photos and her pointing finger) talking you through them.

This is so far from a universal experience, I have to reply to it. How can you airily say that it's not usually traumatising? Emotional neglect is a definite cause of trauma. Read Pete Walker's book on CPTSD. The way the mother is pushing the OP away now is an indication that she was probably pushed away in the past. Babies used to die in Romanian orphanages because of a lack of physical touch and engagement, even though their other physical needs were catered for.

OP you have been trained to suck this up. Your family dynamics have conditioned you: it was in the interest of all your family, most of all your mother, but also your sister and father, not to rock the boat and to keep your mother happy by not raising any uncomfortable truths. They will probably all resist any attempts by you to state how unfair her treatment of you has been. I'm so sorry everybody deserves two loving and caring parents, especially during childhood when you are dependent on them and can't just move away.

It may be hard for you to go NC at such a difficult time, but don't try and do more to get your mum to suddenly feel differently. She won't. Do as much as you feel able to without feeling bad about it. I'm sorry

Allow yourself these feelings of numbness and don’t feel at all guilty for them. It’s really difficult but sadly, in my experience, not uncommon that the unfavoured child has when the parent passes. It’s much more complex thing to work through than if you had a wonderful relationship with your mum. Your sister won’t understand as it was not her experience.

I understand completely your position. It helps me to remind myself that she was only human and there’s nothing wrong with me, it was just other factors that came into play. It just helps me to think like that. Your mum made a balls up in the different treatment of her daughters. But it was her mistake -completely hers - and nothing that you could have done would have shaped or changed it. If you can shift the feeling of being ‘not good enough’ to feeling pity for her poor mothering, it may help you.
x

Thank you all for your comments, experiences and insights. I do tend to blame myself when things don't go right, so I guess that makes sense.

You've helped to settle my mind a bit, especially about my numbness and uncertain feelings. I'm not going to offer any extra help, as I think being knocked back again will make me feel worse.

<3

@wavesrolling How are things now?

Just read your thread and can relate so much. Similar to my situation with siblings since our mother’s terminal diagnosis.

Periods of feeling numb were the strangest to navigate in my experience. Just so confusing because I felt a lot of compassion for her too.

Hope you’re protecting yourself :)