She says she is being tormented by calls

[SeaBoat]

My mother has a brother who never married or had kids. He doesn't work and he is on some sort of a benifit or social payment.

About 12 years ago, their mother died. That started something in him where he began phoning his siblings regularly. When he didn't get an answer he would phone again. Sometimes even calls in the middle of the night because he would be drinking and he wouldn't know if it was day or night.

My mom was tormented with calls. If she was busy she would miss calls. Sometimes she wasn't even doing much like it could be a Sunday afternoon and she might not have any plans and sometimes she would just ignore his calls on purpose. He would ring again and again.

I helped my mom... My solution was to have two phones for her.

1. one phone and number for general use so that was for me and my siblings and her other fand appointments.
2. second phone and number just for him. Only he had that number and Jo one else had it. So she was in control and turned it on about once a week whenever she felt like chatting to him.

Then last year there was a problem in her family. The first person she called was her alcoholic brother and she rang him on that (1) phone for general use and gave him that number.
I was recommending for her to phone my other aunt and uncle because the alcoholic brother wasn't going to know any of the information. I don't know if my mother was too shy or if there was some social anxiety and she refused to phone the other aunt and uncle preferring to phone the alcoholic brother for some reason. Lo and behold he never knew a thing but he did get my mothers other number.

So he's been phoning her ever since. I have seen what happen. My mother is retired now and often she doesn't do much with her time. When her phone rings and if it's him, she ignores him. Then he will phone again and again. It's not bad. Sometimes it might be 3 or 4 times a day.. Sometimes if he has news or something important to tell her he will keep phoning her. His intent definitely isn't malicious. I think he is lonely. All his siblings have pretty much treated him in a similar way - they ignore his calls or they have out right told him to stop phoning them.

My mother wants me to fix this yet again. I feel at this stage, there's no point getting a new number for general use because she will have to give her number again to all but him and change her number at the doctors and the solicitors. It's a bit too much I think again. Especially considering the calls from her brother is not severe enough. She just finds him more of an inconvenience more than anything else and then often she's being stubborn by not answering her phone which has him continue calling her.

I don't want to fix this again.. I don't know the man and its for my mother to tell him to stop or go away and leave her alone.

Can she not just block his number on the phone she uses for everyone else and tell him she doesnt have that number any more?

I was eating dinner last night and her phone rang and she was up the hall. I had a look at the phone and it was him and I didn't answer because I don't answer her phone. When she came back into the room she asked me who rang and I said it was her brother and she got crossout it and then she demanded to know if I answered the call and I said no and in a stern voice she told me don't be answering her phone when he calls because she wrote him a letter and told him she lost her phone. I don't answer her phone anyways.

Block him?

I will have a look later to see if it has a block function. It's an older phone. It's not a smart phone.

Block or mute?

I will check her phone later and see if there's a block function. If it doesn't could I out her sim card into my phone and block his number through my phone?

I have a relative who is disabled and does this. He can ring 6-7 times a day. I answer once a day and have a good chat, other times I just can’t answer as I’m at work/sorting stuff for the kids etc. But I wouldn’t go to all the rigamarole of losing my phone etc - I’d just be honest and say ‘I’m busy at x time - I’ll give you a ring tonight/tomorrow/another time.’

What is the reason he isn’t allowed to phone or talk to any of his siblings? Do they visit him and interact with him?

I will try and block him later but I won't say anything to my mother about it because she probably doesn't want to block him. Sometimes she might take a notion to answer his call but that's about once a fortnight or once every 3 weeks or so.

I will try and block him later.

So this man is lonely and his calls are being ignored by all his siblings? Sounds horrible to be honest. If she doesn't want to speak to him she can't ask him not to ring her, not to ring her so often, plan a time and day he's 'allowed' to ring her or she can block him completely.

He doesn't work and he is on some sort of a benifit or social payment. *
*
So? Completely irrelevant.

He can phone them if he wants but none of them want to know him. Some of them are estranged from him because he is an alcoholic. Then the rest of them, the calls were too much for them.
They don't interact physically or in person. They don't visit him. Nothing.

My uncle would be similar in that I think there is a disability or a mental health condition.

Theres nothing malicious with him.

To some degree I think it is relevant because if he was holding down a full time job, meeting colleagues and meeting people through work, he may not be as bad with the calls. Basically my original post was to show to the reader that I think he is lonely.

That’s what I was asking - why has he been rejected from his family? Obviously if there’s a drip feed coming thay he stole from grandma and punches the family kids then it’s a different situation. If he’s a vulnerable relative who hasn’t done anything wrong I think your family are being pretty cruel to be honest. I think empathetic and decent people generally band together to care for their vulnerable family when possible (as long as that person isn’t abusive or anything of course).

My mother refuses to be open and honest with him. I think you are right. Plan one day a week where he can call but my mother has refused to be open and honest with him.

He was never abusive that I know of.. He is the youngest in their family. He likes drinking alcohol a lot and some members of the family don't like that and they are estranged from him. Then the others were annoyed with his constant calls. Calls every day.. Multiple calls a day if he doesn't get an answer... I know with my mother sometimes she is busy then other times she just doesn't want to answer or talk to him and other times it's more a protest being stubborn, if he calls too much she will ignore him more.

When she answers, does he carry on calling several times a day?

You've already sorted it for her, she chose to undo that so leave it up to her this time.

Every day is different.

When she answers, that might be it. But sometimes he might forget something to tell her and phone or back or sometimes he might get worried and phone again. For example I had a big gardening job at home. I called gardeners in to work on the grass and yards. I was charged 250. When my mother told him that he rang back and said he only every gets charged 50. Even though ours was larger, there were two yards and both overgrown.

So sometimes it might be one call and other times it might be more.

She knew what she was doing. I know there was a death in the family and she was probably ik shock but I recommended for her to phone my other aunt and uncle because they would likely know more details. She chose to ignore that and she rang her alcoholic brother and undid the help and work I did for her. She gave him her general number knowing exactly what he is like and knowing she doesn't like it when he is obsessive with the phone.

Why is your mum “making” you deal with HER nuisance calls from HER brother and then getting arsey with you when you don’t answer her phone, as requested, when he calls?

I really don’t see why you need to be involved at all. She’s clearly got a tongue in her head and has no problems stating what she wants with you so why’s he not getting the same treatment?

She’s written him a letter so leave her to sort her own shit out. Sounds like she’s enjoying the drama and being the centre of attention.

Step away from it. Her communication cock-up isn’t your problem to solve.

She wants YOU to fix it? No! He's her brother, she's an adult, she can fix it herself. If she really wants to.

She gets annoyed and agitated when he calls and she's more annoyed and agitated again in that she wrote him a letter to say she lost her phone and he doesn't seem to understand that and he continues to call into that phone.

She is phone and computer and Internet illiterate. Her phone is an old phone. She thinks I can magic solutions because I own a smartphone.

I had her problem fixed by having two phones and two numbers for her but she messed it up. She knew what she was doing.

She gets annoyed and agitated when he calls and she's more annoyed and agitated again in that she wrote him a letter to say she lost her phone and he doesn't seem to understand that and he continues to call into that phone.

She is phone and computer and Internet illiterate. Her phone is an old phone. She thinks I can magic solutions because I own a smartphone.

I had her problem fixed by having two phones and two numbers for her but she messed it up. She knew what she was doing.

What age is the uncle? Could he not try some sort of club or volunteering? He couldn't go drunk of course but perhaps it'll help with the drinking if he's just lonely? If you think he has a disability or impairment you could speak to an adult social worker. In terms of your mother and other siblings (well, the ones who are only estranged because of the amount of calls), they could have a set day each they answer his calls - or even be the one to call him! He clearly needs some sort of help. He hasn't coped with her mother dying and the only family he has left can't be bothered with him. You said it started after she died so if he was the one who never married or had children then everyone would have had some sort of support and he didn't. He's already no longer working because of it, it's very sad.

I'm still trying to fathom out why the OP's mum's nuisance calls from her brother is the OP's problem to sort out

Good grief. Just say "Mum, you are a grown woman, please deal with your own brother. I do not want to hear any more complaints or discussions about it any more."

Quite clearly the two of them have a complicated co-dependent relationship, and she is trying to drag you into the complication and voila - you are already ENMESHED in the drama of it all. Your mother does not actually want you to 'solve' this - she wants to whinge and get annoyed and agitated and she wants you to join in with her, and by god you are obliging her!!

Step back. Stop being so in love with your role of being the saviour and the fixer. It isn't for you to choose to put a block on the phone of a grown adult without her EXPRESS request for you to do so.