Dealing with guilt years later?

[guiltyab]

In 2018 my ex left me half way through pregnancy basically because I was a total bitch. There’s no two ways about it. He had panicked about failed contraception and implied one day that I hadn’t taken the pill - saying things like ‘how did this happen?’ Really accusatory. Instead of being calm I basically went mental at him. Threw him out of the house for a week. Wouldn’t speak to him. I was awful. As time went on he was quite funny with me about things, I asked if I could give birth back in my hometown so I could have family support for a few weeks when he went back to work and he didn’t understand it…. Rightly so as I was being a complete piece of work and should have just got on with it where we were living! I was quite needy and got angry at him when he had too much to drink or if he was distant. I’d tell him I would call his best mate and tell him what a prick he was being etc etc. All said in panic and upset like the spoiled brat that I was. I couldn’t have a proper conversation at all I just launched into shouting and telling him what an awful shit partner he would be. I even threw our entire dinners across the room once. I was AWFUL.

Embarrassingly I was 38 when this happened and I’ve had therapy since and at 43 I look back and think fucking hell I was a nightmare. At the time I did apologise and I did mean it but rightly he was having none of it. I’ve never heard from him since the day we broke up and still cut myself up about it today. DC has started asking about his dad and obviously I can’t tell him the truth yet but I feel absolutely wretched that I caused such drama and pushed him away so far.

I don’t think I’m necessarily a terrible person but this is something I can’t move past at all. It’s like this deep rooted awfulness that emerged from me and I hate myself so much for it I cringe looking back!!

Are there any books or tips for dealing with guilt? I don’t know what else to do to try and put it all to bed.

You're not a terrible person.
Your partner understandably upset you a great deal by implying you'd deliberately got pregnant whilst on the pill. It is ok that you were angry and upset about that. You were hormonal and pregnant too. Have some compassion for yourself.

Given that your partner implied you'd deliberately got pregnant whilst pretending to be on the pill, I'm imagining your communication and trust wasn't great. This will not be solely your responsibility, it takes two. Basically, from the scant facts I have think it's understandable you wanted to be with your family when you gave birth. Sounds like he wasn't a great partner.

Perhaps you're feeling sad that your son doesn't have a father when of course it would be great if he did have a loving involved father. That sadness is feeling like guilt, but you need to check the facts- it's his fathers fault his father isn't involved with him. Please be gentle with yourself.

@Cyberworrier thanks, I know how he was wasn’t perfect but I dealt with it HORRIBLY. Truly I was vile.

I could have been much calmer and respectful and even his drinking and distance would have improved if i had been a good partner and had patience.

I know he played his part but there was no excuse for my behaviour. I hate myself all the time for it, it was embarrassing

I find the way you describe yourself and your actions quite upsetting, as to me it sounds like you're blaming yourself for being upset with your partner. You also think if you'd behaved differently, he wouldn't have had a drink problem. That is painful to read.

I hope you can believe me when I say you didn't cause him drinking, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Only he is in charge of his drinking and related behaviour.

Maybe read up on AlAnon or Smart Recovery Friends and Family for support in being affected by a loved one (or former loved ones) drinking.

Your extreme emotional reactions were in response to the situation you were in, which sounds very difficult. I hope you're in a better place now. Have some compassion for yourself 💐

Regardless of what he thought about you, if he had any interest in being a good dad he would of still been around for your sons sake. He would of still forged a relationship with him. He would of still chosen to be a parent. I could of said or done anything to my husband when I was pregnant, he might of left me but he would never of dreamt of just walking away from his child too. Sounds like all you did was give him an out, and he took it. If it hadn’t of been this one he would of found another. Don’t blame yourself, it’s sad that your son is growing up without his dad around but sounds like he wasn’t going to step up anyway. You can’t force someone to. This guilt isn’t yours to carry.

OP, your post is screaming with low self esteem , addictive and people pleasing tendencies. You have posted on this issue countless times. He has abandoned your child for ffss. NOTHING you have done can excuse leaving a child behind. I dont understand how you BLAME yourself for this ! Please seek therapy for your own and your child’d sake.

Im not seeing where you were "a total.bitch".

Everything sounds like natural, hunan reactions to his behaviour