DH and I have been living together and married for 16 years. We have 3 DC (one of whom has ASD).
Since the start I realised that we had very different ways of living. DH did no housework or cooking and has always worked part time (albeit in a well paid job). He has always been very low energy and prone to depression. He gets stressed very easily, from work situations, and also with things at home.
I gave up my job when the children were born. We both agreed that I would be a SAHM (in hindsight I wish I hadn’t). I worked on various contract jobs when the children were young but it was so stressful as DH just couldn’t cope at home – I would get back from work, the house would be a bombsite, the children watching TV late in the evening, no structure or homework and DH stressed and chaotic trying to cook something really simple in the kitchen. Our DS has ASD and it was very important for him to have a calm structured environment after school, and DH just couldn't provide it.
Having spent years and years crying, begging him to change and help me with the childcare, life admin and the house and garden, I feel exhausted. We have had individual and marriage counselling which helped a bit but then things go back to how they were.
We are currently in a house that needs a lot of renovation and decorating. DH works three days per week. On his days off he does his hobbies. There is little engagement with the children or I, although he does sometimes take the children out on a walk.
The children are now pre teens and teen, so need less help practically. However DH still does nothing in the house. The garden is very big and overgrown – he does not do anything there either. I plan all holidays, days out, life admin, house and garden care and maintenance, deal with all the emotional and practical care of the children. If anything goes wrong in the house eg the boiler breaks down, he gets very stressed and I have to always be the calm, clear headed one as he storms around panicking.
I feel that he is very half hearted about everything and has no zest for life. He often seems in his own world, thinking about his hobbies. When I used to ask him for help with the children or housework he would either say yes, but not do anything, or would get annoyed/angry. He has said in the past that all his energy is taken up by his job and he has very little energy for anything else. He puts a lot of energy into his hobbies, but I guess it's because he doesn’t find them stressful. He is 50 and is hoping to retire before he is 60 – he has always wanted a life with very little responsibility. I don’t think we will be able to pay our mortgage off, and he wants to downsize to a very small property in a cheap area.
How does anyone live like this? I just feel so lonely. When he is off work (four days each week plus holidays) and especially during the school holidays, I feel like a domestic servant. It's so demoralising to be doing housework and decorating while DH spends all day doing his hobbies. The children do have some jobs but to be honest it’s quite difficult to enforce it sometimes when they see DH doing nothing.
I have thought many times about separating. It’s so difficult though
– I honestly wouldn’t know where to start. He loves the children and they love him. I have no money of my own and no job. I am currently doing voluntary work with the aim of getting paid employment asap but I think I would only be looking at just above minimum wage. I am mid forties and have no pension.
It is complicated as we do still get on and have a laugh from time to time. We enjoy watching films together. I think if we weren't married I could have been a friend of his. However it’s very different sharing a life with someone!
I have ADHD and have had low self esteem all my life. I don’t know if I am expecting too much – if I ever used to bring any of this up he would get angry. He has said once or twice that he wishes he could do more but he doesn't have the energy. I know he is trying in his own way, but it doesn’t seem like he has much to give. I know all relationships involve compromise. I do very much appreciate that he brings in all the finances.
I think whatever happens I have to get a job and see how it goes. I don’t think he can change – I have changed in that I have stopped asking/expecting any help or teamwork, but I still feel sad and isolated. Thanks for reading if you have got this far!