Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Told my husband of 13 years I want a divorce. Please help me deal with his sadness 😔

17 replies

Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 15/08/2022 17:21

Together for 19 years. I've been unhappy for last 8 years really. No communication, no love, sex life was zero for about 5 years then rekindled recently by me but realised it was a fake last ditch attempt. 2 gorgeous children age 11 and 8. He controls the money. We are codependent. He's in recovery for alcohol addiction and has no friends. We have slept separately for about 6 years.

I knew he would take it badly but the pain on his face, him crying, begging me to stay, bargaining is too much to bear. I'm trying to keep detached. He wants to kiss me and I can't do it. I have given supportive hugs but don't want him near me really. No attraction. I don't want marriage counselling as I don't love him and want out.

Plan is to get my own bank account and move into a flat nearby. £200k equity from house will be mine in the end. Shared custody of children. I will be ok. But I don't think he will. Help

OP posts:

Malad · 15/08/2022 17:25

You just have to be strong I’m afraid. Women often tend to be people pleasers and care more about other people than themselves. However, in this type of situation, you must put your own needs first. His sadness is not really your problem to deal with. You can still be kind and can help with practical details but he needs to know that there is no going back.

Good luck and well done for being brave!

GreyCarpet · 15/08/2022 17:27

This is your co-dependency speaking.

He's had 8 years to address the issues and put things right and he didn't. His feelings are not yours to manage; he needs to do that himself.

You are not his support person any longer.

Neverbeenthisfarbefore · 15/08/2022 17:30

Keep going it's a long road but it will be worth it. Take care.

Original poster

Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 15/08/2022 17:30

I do care about him and he says he wants to die, will drink again etc. Its very stressful. But I can't give up and say let's try again. That is just dragging out the misery

OP posts:

Bumpsadaisie · 15/08/2022 17:31

Just an alternative thought FWIW.

Where is your sadness? Why is he the one with all the sadness?

It may well be quite right to separate. It sounds like it's over.

But that is sad for you, too. Sad that it's over and sad that it hasn't turned out to be the marriage you once had hopes and dreams about.

If you can own your own sadness it will likely be easier for him to deal with his. At the moment it sounds like he is having to carry the sadness for two while you take on the comforter role.

It's a nice things to do, to be the comforter. But it can be a way of not having to face one's own difficult feelings.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 15/08/2022 17:33

Keep in your mind that whereas you knew you were about to do this, he may not have expected it and could be in shock; he will also need to go through a process of 'grieving' for the future that he had envisaged but which will no longer happen.

Acknowledge his sadness without feeling the need to remove its driver.

thenewduchessoflapland · 15/08/2022 17:33

Living in a sexless marriage with an alcoholic must have been hell.

Threatening you with him committing suicide,relapsing etc is abuse.

Is he able to move out whilst you deal with selling up?

Twawmyarse · 15/08/2022 17:37

I do care about him and he says he wants to die, will drink again etc

Well that's up to him. They always come out with shit like this it is purely for manipulation. As a pp said you unfortunately just need to remain very strong and harden yourself to it - you've done the hardest bit now in telling him so it's just a case of carrying on and remaining resolute no matter what he says.

Also be prepared for the fact that when he realised you're not going to back down he will probably start to get nasty.

Ponderingwindow · 15/08/2022 17:37

He needs to be allowed his pain. It would probably be best if you left for a bit and have him some space. Having you present isn’t going to help him. If at all possible, go stay somewhere else for a few days. If that isn’t possible, at least make yourself scarce for the day.

comfortablyfrumpy · 15/08/2022 17:38

I am sorry you are in this position, it sounds very difficult.

I should flag up though - I know you say the equity will end up with you. But with a long marriage, it might not be that easy to see that all the equity goes to you. (Unless there are other assets to balance it).

I think getting some legal advice will be really helpful.

ChickPeaChic · 15/08/2022 17:43

Ponderingwindow · 15/08/2022 17:37

This. You’ve had time to process this and are “over” it, he has not. This is likely very very painful for him so you need to give him space and probably move out to be honest. Giving him supportive hugs is only dragging out the pain. The kindest thing you can do now is remove yourself from the situation and go as low contact as possible, only speaking to discuss the children.

BreadInCaptivity · 15/08/2022 17:45

Put bluntly it's a bit late for him to be sad.

He's had 6 years to work on the relationship.

Rather than sad, I think he's feeling sorry for himself.

As a pp said, what about your sadness? Does that not matter?

Are you expected to be sad for the rest of your life in a sexless marriage?

As for his threats of wanting to die and drinking again - well he is an adult and importantly a father. However bad he's feeling he has a responsibility to them. He needs to see a therapist/get counselling etc to work through this period of adjustment.

It's not your responsibility to fix him or save him from himself.

WillPowerLite · 15/08/2022 18:06

His sadness is no longer yours to manage. That's one of the reasons you are getting divorced.

You cannot be his comfort, at all. He needs to lean on others - his own family and friends, or a therapist, or an addiction sponsor ... anyone other than you and the dc.

Have a response ready, something like, I am sorry that you feel sad. Repeat as needed. That's it. Do not suggest solutions, do not offer to listen. Don't justify or explain further, don't bargain, don't help.

I know it sounds harsh, but you cannot help him get over this sadness.

Original poster

Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 15/08/2022 18:13

This is so helpful. Thank you

OP posts:

CrapBucket · 15/08/2022 18:18

Stay strong. Even if you don't feel strong. Its his sadness and not down to you to deal with. I instigated the end of my marriage just over a year ago and still get sad wistful texts from my ex. If he had put as much energy into the marriage as he does into his Woe Is Me persona, we might still be married. Shudder.

ScottChegg · 15/08/2022 18:35

My ex became quite pathetic after I told him we were done. I don't think he even believed me for the first month. It feels like kicking a puppy, doesn't it?

But PP are right, he has had a long time to address the issues if he wanted to, and anything he could do now would be too little, too late. You just have to keep going because you know its for the best. Short term pain for long term gain.

sleepymum50 · 15/08/2022 21:30

I went through this. I asked for relationship counselling in April this year. He said no, then yes then no again. I knew this was it. I felt very very guilty.

Its helped that he’s mostly been angry rather than sad. I also started seeing a therapist which has been very good for me. I’m over the guilt and now I mostly think ‘you’ve brought this on yourself mate, if you’d just been nicer to me, I wouldn’t want to go’

The guilt is just a phase you will go through. He will either stop trying to guilt you and accept this is happening, or you will just get used to the feeling, or your guilt will turn to anger. Or all three will happen. Just don’t let this stop you doing what you must, don’t give up your happiness for someone else (who probably doesn’t deserve it).

Best of luck. Were still living in the same house and got blanked by my BIL a couple of days ago. I’ve been with my STBXH for nearly 40 years! It’s shit and looks like it will be this way for a while. But this stage won’t last forever, and then I’ll finally be free! And so will you.

Flip