Where to get help for anger

[stnoa]

I know I deserve to be flamed for this but I'm really hoping for some practical advice....

I've always been quite an emotional person but I've been losing my temper more & more these days. Not that it excuses it but it's purely verbal, never ever physical and I feel like it's out of pure stress and frustration

I'm a single mum, working full time from home with DC in the house over the holidays. It's the cheek/attitude and disrespect (tbf I would put it all down to normal behaviour) but it's been going on for so long and I feel like they don't listen to me unless I'm shouting

This morning was the final straw when I was shouting and screaming like some kind of maniac. I also swore at them for the first time in my life and it ended with them in tears

Where is the best place for me to seek support. Is it parenting lessons I need? Anger management? It feels more like the latter as it's like a complete rage comes over me and once I calm down the guilt is unreal

Do you experience anger with other situations, or is it purely the kids? If its the former, I'd suggest anger management, and depending on your age could you be approaching menopause?

If it's just the kids, then I'd suggest parenting skills would be more appropriate.

How old are they? Are they playing up/acting out for reasons you know of (recent parental break up?) or is it just general bad habits? Are they doing okay at school or getting in trouble there?

Thanks @EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I've got a lot of stress in other areas of my life. Really bad relationship with DC's dad as he still tries to control me etc, having problems in a new relationship (caused by my own issues), work, finances....the list goes on.

However, it always seems to be my DC's behaviour that is the tipping point. Like im just about holding everything together and coping then their behaviour is the final straw.

Like I say their behaviour isn't out of the norm for their age. Doing great at school, lots of friends, behave with grandparents etc
This is probably why my guilt is so strong as they genuinely don't deserve it

I feel like I'm coping on a practical level (just) bit emotionally I always feel ready to explode and they get the brunt of it

I had counselling years ago and she actually said I was too hard on myself and my expectations for myself were too high, cut myself some slack etc but this isn't acceptable right?!

My dc are 8 & 10, been separated from their dad for 7 years so it's not new and overall they're coping well. They don't particularly like being at his as much as mine but reluctantly go....ironically behave better their then take it out on me.

Is their contact with dad court ordered?.

Yes it is. That's part of the problem. Things are much better than a year or 2 ago when they were point blank refusing to go and I was getting the blame.

They now moan about going, especially over the summer holidays as their friends are round here, but once they're there they seem ok (it just wouldn't be their 1st choice).

Sometimes I worry that my temper & shouting makes their already difficult lives even harder but I just seem to beat myself up with guilt...:which makes me even more emotional. It's like a viscous cycle

Anger is frustration about not having things the way you want them.

What is it that you want? How would your life look if it never triggered you to anger?

I always find your advice really useful @Watchkeys

Do you mean what do I want at the point I'm losing my temper? Just my DC to do what I'm asking them to do without attitude or taking 5 times as long as it should (for example brushing teeth, putting on shoes etc). It's always when I'm rushing about last minute as we're about to be late and my stress levels are already through the roof

Or what is it I want in my life in general? Less stress, more time (don't we all!!) but one of the big things is that I constantly feel on edge. I feel insecure and needy in my relationship (both my current one but also every one I've had since my exH - it's me rather than them). In life in general I feel I'm never doing enough or that it's never enough.

I'm a huge over thinker and have a lot of anxiety around relationships.

However, I manage every other aspect of my life with out raising my voice or losing my temper so why do i take it out on my poor poor DC

I'm now overthinking about what damage I could be doing them long term, if im damaging their self esteem, taunting memories of a happy childhood etc. This means I can feel my anxiety and self criticism building which means I'll have less patience again later at bedtime.

How do you break the cycle?

How old are you? Could you be in perimenopause? It might be worth looking into if over 40

Just turned 40....my mum had early menopause tho. I've also recently had the mirena coil fitted?

I'm 40 and struggling with anger and also having very heavy periods every 20 days. Have been told it's probably perimeno. It makes sense as I had a terrible temper during the peak puberty years. It helps just knowing what it is - I've found it helpful in recognising my triggers especially around the children and removing myself from the situation when I need to. Harder if you're a single parent of course. Do you have enough support? If not are there things you can focus on? Eg saving up for a babysitter to have one whole weekend day off every month just to have space and time for you?

Ps: the holidays are an absolute nightmare for working parents, I totally understand - hang in there, we're nearer the end than the beginning X

That's really interesting @YukoandHiro the main reason I got the mirena fitted was really really heavy periods that were getting worse. It definitely feels hormonal so that makes sense.
I'm just frustrated that I can control it in all other situations other than my DC.

Luckily I'm in Scotland and schools are back tomorrow after a long 8 weeks more or less on my own with them while trying to work!!

You're right about removing myself from the triggers. That would be ideal but hard on my own, e.g. before my major meltdown this morning I went and sat in my room for 5 minutes after asking them to get their shoes and jumpers on. Came back down and they'd sat themselves on the couch and turned on the tv!