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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dying mum, mad brother im all tangled up emotionally.

33 replies

Bunnyfluffles · 15/08/2022 14:56

Hello, just need help untangling myself!
Mum possibly dying in hospital abroad. My brother is there. I got all ready to fly out Sunday but when I talked to him i didn't fly out on Sunday as he said, 'she really does look Ill, I have a bad feeling' and a while later he said 'no need to rush about we will wait for doctors' but then he would slip in a little barb that I thought meant he was cross I wasn't there. Like ' you relationship with your mum is your own affair'. 'You're a grown up you do you' ' you're not very practical ' etc.
Monday she was fine ish. I believe.
Today he facetimes me to say she's not eating etc and it looks bad.' so I say, I'll fly out tomorrow. He says, ' well on Tuesday you'll need a taxi which is £150. If you get the wed flight, you can get the bus at £10.'
I'm confused as why a taxi fair matters. He is loaded, and it's not his money anyway.
I realise he always somehow puts me in a spin. On the one hand I'm getting ' mum is dying I've just been chatting to x and she's helping me through'. On the other I'm getting 'be practical, don't rush out'.
I decide to get the Tuesday flight and pay for the taxi.
Brother says, again about the taxi, and then how I never know what I want to do and I'm exhausting. . I managed to say I've just told you what I'd like to do. His friend said,. ' of course, good decision come tomorrow ' but my brother says that I make things complicated and keep it simple. The trouble is he's once again got me in a tizzy. And I'm no longer sure of what I want to do. Obviously the bus is cheaper and the flights at a better time on Wednesday. But this morning he was saying she's on her last legs as she's not eating. I am here at home not achieving anything. Obviously I'd rather be there.
She has dementia and is rambling and in hospital so I'm not sure what practical use I am though he did say she perks up when I'm around.
I am guessing he's in a state and sees me as something else to deal with , he's dealt with all the home hospitals etc because he is single and doesn't need to work and I have a family and a hubby with stressful job that we can't afford for him to lose. I think he's resentful though on the surface he's all Mr in control and Mr cool and he makes me feel like I'm the dozy one with a scatterbrain. I had hoped to I don't know. He twists me round and then I'm frustrated and I cry and he sees that as being emotional and not helping. Agh!
Now I don't know what to do! £150 taxi or £10 bus. Or possibly dying mum.

OP posts:

yonce · 15/08/2022 15:01

Okay so, I'd book a flight and go out there in that situation.

Do you have childcare for your DC? If yes, then I'd book a flight and hotel (unless you're staying with family). The difference between a taxi and bus fare in this situation isn't something I'd make any decisions on.

If your mum is nearing the end of her life, then it can be very tough to know when to go. I've been in this situation a few times recently, and the person can be going up and down in health before passing. Your brother is probably giving you the information he can at the time, and is probably incredibly stressed and perhaps not able to give both your mum and you his full attention.

In your situation I'd arrange childcare if needed, book my flight and hotel and go out to see her ASAP. I hope you manage to sort something out OP.

BMW6 · 15/08/2022 15:05

Go as soon as possible irrespective of costs and try to disregard your brothers conflicting "advice".
When he makes future suggestions or requests don't respond straight away. Take a few moments (or as long as you like if there's no real urgency) to think about what YOU want or need in each scenario. Consider your options.

Then when you have decided your course of action you can tell him your decision - if he needs to know.

Sounds like he infantalizes you. Are you younger than him? Has he always been like this?

Eek3under3 · 15/08/2022 15:13

I would go as soon as you can.

Justcallmebebes · 15/08/2022 15:46

I'd just go as soon as I could

Rapidtango · 15/08/2022 15:50

Is it possible to actually speak to a doctor at the hospital to get a true picture of how your mother is?

RatherBeRiding · 15/08/2022 15:53

So how would you feel if your mum really did die whilst you were dithering about your brother's totally unhelpful 'advice' and the cost of a taxi vs the cost of a bus?

As pp said, try to bypass your brother and actually speak to the hospital yourself. Rule him out of the picture and be guided by the hospital and your own common sense.

YukoandHiro · 15/08/2022 15:55

Just go and ignore your brother. Pay all your costs yourself. Assess how she is and speak to the doctors when you get there. Then decide what to do next. Be kind to your bother but don't let him needle you- just go to be there for your mum.

xfgdhfgnhkk007 · 15/08/2022 16:13

Ignore whatever your brother says and make the decision to go if YOU want to. Sounds like you're expecting him to give you permission as to when is the right time for you to go. If you want to go - go!

xfgdhfgnhkk007 · 15/08/2022 16:16

Now I don't know what to do! £150 taxi or £10 bus

You decide. He doesn't even need to know, it's your money isn't it? Does he often make the decisions in the family? Perhaps he's trying to think of everything and confusing things. He doesn't need to worry about what transport you will be taking, surely?

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 15/08/2022 16:21

Aside from the decision on when to go you need a general strategy to deal with DB. Somehow you need to find a way to block out his 'helpful' suggestions and just concentrate on what you want to do. If you're definite in your responses to begin with it will be easier to make him stop being 'helpful', just keep reiterating your original decision.

It does sound like he's decided your indecision equates to scatty and that he's fairly invested in perpetuating that idea for whatever reason but your best defence is to just make up your own mind irrespective of his input and stick to it. FWIW the confusing way he has communicated would give me the rage but my standard response to that is always to look for ways to remove that persons ability to enrage or confuse me, and that's exactly what I'm suggesting you do with DB.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 15/08/2022 16:21

Just go.
It is bloody hard, whichever side of this you are.
So just go. So what if its £150?

Hotandbothereds · 15/08/2022 16:25

What your brother thinks is irrelevant- personally I’d be on the soonest flight & sort out whatever other travel plans are necessary, why are you even debating travel costs with him when you’ll be paying anyway?

Or, why can’t he come and pick you up? That would be a more useful suggestion from him.

AhAgain · 15/08/2022 16:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PacMantra7 · 15/08/2022 16:42

Just go !

abovedecknotbelow · 15/08/2022 16:46

Just go, stop involving him in your decision making process. If you mum does die before you get there because of a bus or taxi fare it would be awful.

Littlepaws18 · 15/08/2022 16:51

Go, money isn't a priority, seeing your mom for potentially the last time is!

Jellytottss · 15/08/2022 16:55

Have you actually spoken to any nurse from the hospital?

Other than dementia does your mum have a known condition? You don't have to keep contact with your brother leave him for now.

baileys6904 · 15/08/2022 17:03

Dementia is a funny one to gauge things with, to be fair. I visited my father in hospital and didn't even recognise him he was so ill. Within 3 days, he was discharged, and engaged, communicative and I can't explain the difference between the two states. Its so hard to judge what you're going to walk into, and to be fair, if your brother has been dealing with the logistics of the dementia, he will have gone through a lot.

Be patient, do what you'll regret the least, and hope all goes well

TwoWeeksislong · 15/08/2022 21:11

OP, unless the 140quid is the difference between your family being evited and made homeless or not, then stop worrying about it and go tomorrow. Seeing your mum before she dies is clearly important to you and also to your brother. You will feel more at peace once you’ve seen her and hopefully so will he.

katishot · 15/08/2022 21:31

Phone the hospital to get information on your Mum's condition
Using this information decide when to fly out
Book ticket and fly
If hospital won't give information, book ticket and fly out ASAP
Ignore brother completely

Original poster

Bunnyfluffles · 15/08/2022 22:50

Thank you so much everyone. I've booked a flight and a £150 taxi.
Also had a good chat with brother. His friend, like you guys, told him to stop worrying about money and reminded him I'm a grown up. to be fair, brother said he was concerned because when I've visited mum in the past I've been under strict instructions from DH not to spend. Bro is also obviously all over the place emotionally and I suddenly realised it's his way if coping (I'm so slow)
I'm proud of us because we talked it through and now we can deal together. I think you are right, brother feels he has to organise everyone ( and I'm a people pleaser. Ooh that needs untangling!) . I guess him talking me out of coming was his misguided way of being nice to me, And my getting confused was my misguided way of trying to accommodate and be nice to him . Lesson learnt.
So thank you for the reassurance about dementia bailey's. She looked fine about 5 tonight so I felt guilty when DH came home and reminded myself it was still important to go, half an hour later she looks dressful. you are right he has had a very difficult time. I wish I could have been more useful and gone out more.
She's now on morphine so ...I'll get there at 22.00 tomorrow.
Long night for brother who has to keep an eye on her.
Thanks all.

OP posts:

Rapidtango · 15/08/2022 23:28

Glad you're going. Hope everything is ok when you get there and you and your brother can spend time with your mum and each other.

NellyNothing · 15/08/2022 23:51

I'm so soon that your Mum is so ill.

That's good you had a good chat with your brother. It a very difficult time for all of you so you all just have to be as nice to each other a possible and let everyone deal with things in their own way.

Original poster

Bunnyfluffles · 16/08/2022 07:15

Thanks so much. Once i remembered people including me, get weird when they're stressed everything's cool. Also he's the best person in the world to go through crap with. Even though he's a jerk! (Said with sisterly love)
Thanks very much everyone

OP posts:

Musti · 16/08/2022 07:25

Why can’t he or his wife or friend pick you up from the airport? Good call op

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