Splitting time between 4 sets of grandparents

[badgerybadgerboo]

Hi everyone,

Just wondering how often you see your parents?

DH and I parents are divorced and remarried so between us we have 4 sets of parents to visit.

Each parent complains we don't visit them enough and the pressure is beginning to cause anxiety as we know they're complaining about it to our siblings.

We live in the middle of a county and the parents live at opposite ends. 100 miles between them.

Just causing us too much pressure, we work full time and none of them are amicable which means we have to visit each couple separately.

Two sets basically refuse to visit us. So we have to drive to them.

Any thoughts / advice / perspectives would be appreciated.

Thanks

(Sorry, they're our parents. They're our DCs grandparents. Sorry for the confusing title)

Do your parents still work or are they retired? How old are DCs?
My dcs are teens/tweens and we normally see GPs at least fortnightly but we live in the same town.

If they don’t want to visit they have to accept you have a life so they won’t get to see dgc as often. They don’t live close by, again this will restrict visits. You need to be clear what you can offer and stick to it. Not easy I know but it’s factual!

First of all, stop feeling guilty. They divorced, they can't be amicable. Are they all well and healthy enough to travel to you?

Easy way to half it - could you see 2 at a time, but one from each side? Eg do Sunday dinner, invite your mother and DH father and partner. No one can stay as not everyone can stay, etc etc.

Oh missed the bit that said 2 refuse to travel to you. Why?

Yes they're all able to drive, fit and healthy. All retired early. (Hiking, kayaking types)

They just say they don't want to drive that far. And then they cancel plans or make a fuss about the journey. They like their respective villages and that's it.

DC are 8 and 10

Yes they're all able to drive, fit and healthy. All retired early. (Hiking, kayaking types)

They just say they don't want to drive that far. And then they cancel plans or make a fuss about the journey. They like their respective villages and that's it.

DC are 8 and 10

We tend to see gps one day at the weekend, so my parents one weekend, dh's dad the next. That gives us one free weekend day every weekend. Dh's dad is older and can't drive so we go to him. My parents are more able and we alternate who does the travelling.
Obviously in real life it's not that rigid but that's the rough idea.

So in your shoes that would be once a month for each set. And the ones who are not willing to drive can miss every other visit and you get a bonus day at home.

@User280905 That's what we try to do but they're still complaining it's not enough.

It's so much pressure with weekend sports clubs / activities for DC, my heart feels tight under all the pressure to keep everyone happy. (We try and explain this and they don't listen - the bitching continues as we hear it from SIL and BIL)

Enrol the dc in exciting weekend activities that they can't miss and would appeal to the GPs.

Then do a Saturday dinner or Sunday lunch thing where you invite one from each side but make it excellent andbtalk about how much fun you had, and see if that tempts the other lot out-of out-of damned village.

Or meet up halfway, but they obvs don't spend as much time with their gc, if you're meeting in a restaurant or at a zoo. Once a year each gets a visit from you to The Village.

They might complain that you don't visit them enough, but it is very hard to manage all those grandparents!

We see GPs about once every six weeks. Both sets are a good drive away (1.5 hours each way to DPIL and 2.5 hours to DM). DM comes to see us about as often, DPIL less. Nobody seems to think it unreasonable (both DM and DMIL moved overseas when they married so that may help!). Love them all very much but they have their lives and we have ours!

It wasn't all that much fun for my kids to be dragged around everywhere when they wanted to do their sports clubs. So once past toddler/early school years we just expect parents to come to us or meet up once in the school holidays if we have time.

Toughen up. Who cares what they think? Who are you prioritising - kids or parents? Can't be both

(We try and explain this and they don't listen - the bitching continues as we hear it from SIL and BIL)

I’d be putting a stop to this. Why do they think you need to know about every new moan? Is it a none too subtle way to ‘encourage’ you to visit more often so that it’s not all left to them?

You need to say ‘Look, we know they’re not happy, but they know our situation, so it’s tough luck. You don’t need to keep telling us what we already know’.

We see grandparents a couple of times per year! Not everyone lives in the pockets of extended family or puts their children in cars driving up and down motorways every weekend to "keep everyone" (except themselves and their own children) "happy" (would it ever actually keep them happy?

As the grandparents in question are all healthy, independent adults I suggest you stop stressing yourself out and let your children enjoy their friends and sports and their own home - if the grandparents actually want to see you (rather than it actually being about some kind of competitive urge to be visited more than their ex) they can visit.

If they say don't want to drive just say you don't either - then stop talking and leave it up to them.

I would further limit contact with both SIL and BIL. They are acting as the flying monkeys here and have their own agenda. You do not need to hear every single moan from the grandparents here via them. BTW the flying monkeys are not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored.

The grandparents will moan anyway regardless of what you do. Other than moan they can really do nothing. If they refuse to visit so be it and do not pander to them by driving the best part of 100 miles to them; do not set such a precident. Children need emotionally healthy grandparents in their lives; not those who bitch and moan about having to leave their precious village.

Have firm and consistent boundaries here re all these people and review these as and when necessary.

Enrol your kids in a weekly sporting activity, our son does 2 different activities one Saturday and one Sunday and is committed to teams so they have to fit round or not see us.

Thank you all so much. DH is going to have a "word" with his side and I'll have a word with my side.

I feel so much better knowing that the GPs are being unreasonable with their expectations.

Christmas is also stressful. This year we're spending it alone so there's no jealously / falling out. Exhausting!

I see one side 1-2 times a year for a couple of days at a time (opposite end of the country), the other side we see 3-4 times a year (long day trips).

Your life is in your town. Your kids should be free to join in weekend extra curriculars without worrying about missing too many sessions.

Anyone who complains is told, you are welcome to come to us. If they don't bother, don't feel guilty.

Oh and we never go anywhere at Xmas as we like to celebrate in our own home

Good luck! Stand your ground - stating your position briefly then not getting drawn into justifying or apologising is best. Let bluster until they talk themselves into a corner if necessary.

They really have got a nerve to complain about not seeing you, while at the same time refusing to come and visit you when you ask them over.

I am so glad you have decided to stay at home over Christmas - you have made a good choice there.

I'd have so little patience with them.

I have grandchildren that live a couple of hundred miles from me. They have visited us twice and one of them was for a family wedding.

I travel to see them because I know travelling with children is hard. I also know its soon going to get harder when one of them starts school and they start doing activities etc. My reaction is to suck it up and make all the adjustments because my children and grandchildren are worth the time and expense.