it's a long one sorry but need to off load.
Been with dh 25+ years we've been through some really shitty times but come out the other side.
he's now 5 years Sober which is great, but what we went through whilst he was a drunk is the sort of stuff I wished I'd had mumsnet for to help guide me.
I suffered server depression and anxiety from it, we lost our house, he pretty much cheated, lied, was deceitful, ran up more debt, turned on me because I was on anti depressants and how sad that I was that I needed them, yet the woman at work with which he had a 'connection with' was always happy and smiling, and how he wanted her.
I was so numbed be the AD that I couldn't muster the energy to be angry enough to lose my shit and tell him to fuck off.
we had 2 young dc, when he was head hunted for a job which meant moving to the other side of the country, since we were in debt and losing our house it was best to take the job.
Once moved I went cold turkey off the AD and my emotions came flooding back massively, DH really didn't seem to like me so I had an affair. Then decided to leave him (not for the other man though)
thing is I really struggled to find somewhere for DC and me to live, keeping them near to the school they had just settled into, I was unemployed at the time and credit history fucked.
We lived separate lives in the same house for about 9 months, when I started to slip back into depression. DH was then very supportive and wanted me to be safe and happy, he changed back into the man he was when for the first half of marriage and the reason I married him. So we eventually got back together.
He tried hard, but for another 4 years he kept pretending to be Sober, but he was so far gone I'd catching drinking at 7am, then the remorse and he'll get help he wants to change blah blah.
Then after I started packing to leave he finally rang AA infront of me. He's been Sober and great ever since but.....
over the last 5 years I got on with life focused on the dc and generally been ok, apart from every now and then I get the impulse to just get in the car a leave. I didn't have anywhere to go so would just sit parked up crying for hours, then go home DH would see I was upset and cheer me up, then life seemed fine and I carry on feeling OK again.
I have made sure that next time it happens I have a transferable job and now also have somewhere to go. but would I regret it? most of the time I'm fine we are in a good financial position now lifes sort of easy, we have one adult DC and one almost there.
DH is a workaholic, watches lots of sports and games in his down time, I'm sort of lonely, we've talked and he's making more of an effort. But out the blue a younger colleague at work has turned my head.
I've struggled with this for the past few months, and have resisted the urge to just throw in the towel and leave (but it wouldn't be were I had planned to go, as wanted to stay local for whatever might happen with colleague) for a fantasy I've made in my own head basically.
nothing ever happened with colleague, we never even acknowledged the situation even though we have played a strange game. It took a lot of self control and now I have completely backed off from them I won't look or speak to them, which I feel awful about as can see them hurt by it. So work is now quite awkward.
I've put so much time into getting DH involved in our life more and I'm also filling time with friends and finding activities to do.
but it's such hard work, I'm a bit better then I was when the rush of attention took me off my feet, but I'm still unsure whether I'm happy. I mean I can see us carrying on and life is easy, but am I actually happy?. the thought of setting up on my own from scratch fills me with excitement and kind of always has but I put the dc first before, now they don't need me..........but DH would be devastated, apart from work I'm all he's got, and I don't want to hurt him.
plus is me wanting to go just another impulse? and live to regret it? and pine for the easy comforts of dh and home?
if you've made it this far well done!
my head is fucked