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Original poster

Should I leave it?

20 replies

pinkbluewhite · 15/08/2022 10:24

I have been seeing a guy for several months. We have known each other for a lot longer, previously dated but agreed to be friends due to conflicting schedules and neither really having the time for a relationship.

a few months ago we started seeing each other romantically again. Everything seemed fine, then he suddenly started acting strangely - randomly ignoring my messages/calls for several days in a row, making far less plans to meet up and generally seeming a bit ‘off’.

I spoke to him about it, a few weeks ago and mentioned it seemed like he was less interested, but I wanted to speak to him rather than assume. He got very defensive, blamed his lack of communication/suddenly going cold on his busy schedule, and claimed that me bringing this up was ‘creating problems with us’ I took that at face value but it carried on - over the past two weeks, the only times we have spoken are when I initiate contact.

FWIW, I am not anxious in relationships, I am really chilled out generally but I find his behaviour really confusing and not enjoyable. Prior to this cold stage, he was very warm, and things seemed to be flowing really well.

am I right to just leave things now, and not contact him further? It really seems like he does not want us to continue dating, but he’s being too cowardly to tell me that directly. I’d be grateful for any advice or words of wisdom!

OP posts:
EBearhug · 15/08/2022 10:33

You've given him a chance to talk about it. I'd leave it and see what happens, or just tell it's over because he's being an uncommunicative arsehole, and get on with the rest of your life. I think whatever happens, assume he's not going to be playing a big part of your life is the best way forward.

Bunty55 · 15/08/2022 10:35

If he is like this early stages then what will he be like say a year down the line? That - is a year of your life wasted mind..........

Original poster
pinkbluewhite · 15/08/2022 10:37

EBearhug · 15/08/2022 10:33

You've given him a chance to talk about it. I'd leave it and see what happens, or just tell it's over because he's being an uncommunicative arsehole, and get on with the rest of your life. I think whatever happens, assume he's not going to be playing a big part of your life is the best way forward.

You’re right, I’d rather end things if he continues like this rather than let things fizzle away, but I’m reluctant to contact him yet again when he hasn’t bothered to reach out to me in over two weeks. I feel like I’ve given him the chance to discuss things, not a great deal more I can do although it’s really disappointing!

OP posts:
Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 15/08/2022 10:37

He is showing you who he is

Basically he is training you that if you raise any issues, instead of discussing it like mature adults in a relationship he will turn around and blame it on you for 'causing problems' in the hope that over time you will let him be however he wants even if it upsets you.

Suprima · 15/08/2022 10:43

pinkbluewhite · 15/08/2022 10:24

I have been seeing a guy for several months. We have known each other for a lot longer, previously dated but agreed to be friends due to conflicting schedules and neither really having the time for a relationship.

a few months ago we started seeing each other romantically again. Everything seemed fine, then he suddenly started acting strangely - randomly ignoring my messages/calls for several days in a row, making far less plans to meet up and generally seeming a bit ‘off’.

I spoke to him about it, a few weeks ago and mentioned it seemed like he was less interested, but I wanted to speak to him rather than assume. He got very defensive, blamed his lack of communication/suddenly going cold on his busy schedule, and claimed that me bringing this up was ‘creating problems with us’ I took that at face value but it carried on - over the past two weeks, the only times we have spoken are when I initiate contact.

FWIW, I am not anxious in relationships, I am really chilled out generally but I find his behaviour really confusing and not enjoyable. Prior to this cold stage, he was very warm, and things seemed to be flowing really well.

am I right to just leave things now, and not contact him further? It really seems like he does not want us to continue dating, but he’s being too cowardly to tell me that directly. I’d be grateful for any advice or words of wisdom!

‘seeing’ not a committed, ‘exclusive’ boyfriend then? I assume you are having sex with this man though?

he doesn’t like you. His actions are not that of someone who even respects you. You are an option and he wants you on a hook. If he wanted to end things, he would have taken advantage of the opening you gave him to do
so. He accused you of creating problems and said everything is fine to keep the door open

ignore that you’ve known each other for longer as a way of making your relationship seem more than it is. Male acquaintances and friends will use this to create false intimacy with you so they get away with murder.

he’s not bothered about seeing you unless it’s on his terms and his presence in your life is making you feel uneasy

of course you should leave it. You know you should. Why do you think you need permission? Why do you need to be nice
to him? He isn’t nice to you

i hope you have been dating other people and not giving all your attention to this bloke- because this has all been a huge waste of your time

Suprima · 15/08/2022 10:45

also your protests that you are usually chill scream of low self esteem which is probably why this has gone on so long

there is absolutely nothing wrong or needy with wanting someone to demonstrate interest in you

JangolinaPitt · 15/08/2022 10:46

It is so difficult in this situation (I know only too well!!!) but doing nothing really is the only option.

InquiringMinds · 15/08/2022 10:52

Honestly, it sounds like he is ghosting you. Move on with your life. I know it sounds harsh but his behaviour is so disrespectful.

HeythereDelilah101 · 15/08/2022 10:52

If he wanted to, he would. So yea I’d leave it.

Mumofnarnia · 15/08/2022 10:57

I was dating a guy like this last year - to the point I feel like we have both dated the same man haha.

The guy I was dating did exactly how you describe. Was perfect for the first 3 months, only ever had positive things to say about me, full of compliments and then all of a sudden started messaging less, disappearing for days, cancelling meets and claiming it was due to his busy schedule. Then had the cheek to blame me for not understanding him or the fact that he works. I can count on one hand how many times we actually met in the space of a year due to him behaving like this. He then one day blocked me out of the blue.

Completely baffled and turning to google for answers I found an article on attachment styles. Apparently every one of us has an attachment style. I realised he was probably dismissive avoidant and that the problem was with him and not me.

Ive included this link about attachment styles just for your own sanity because this man sounds like he is gaslighting you and blaming you for his own behavior and I’ve experienced something almost identical last year.
www.betterhelp.com/advice/attachment/what-are-the-four-attachment-styles/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=PerformanceMax&utm_content=&network=x&placement=&target=&matchtype=&utm_campaign=16929735023&ad_type=responsive_pmax&adposition=&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6uTK38jI-QIV2OvtCh1ywwfkEAAYAiAAEgJESvD_BwE

Watchkeys · 15/08/2022 11:07

am I right to just leave things now

There is no 'right'. Do what you feel respects you.

Mumofnarnia · 15/08/2022 11:14

Also the way I see it is if he had time for you in the beginning then he should have time for you now. He’s just making excuses and then twisting it round on you. Nobody is ever too busy to send a little ‘check in’ message, it takes seconds.

Watchkeys · 15/08/2022 11:39

He got very defensive, blamed his lack of communication/suddenly going cold on his busy schedule, and claimed that me bringing this up was ‘creating problems with us

The top and bottom of it is, do you want a partner who deals with relationship issues in this way?

Oopsiedaisyy · 15/08/2022 13:13

If he hasn't messaged in two weeks it's over anyway

Original poster
pinkbluewhite · 15/08/2022 13:18

Thanks for all the responses, the majority have been really helpful. Talk of the devil he called me today but I was at work and missed it. Think I’ll just leave things now, I don’t find the dynamic very fulfilling. And the only reason I mentioned being fairly chilled in my OP is because I don’t think it’s a case of me being too intense or full on, rather than ‘screaming of my low self esteem’ 😄 only on mumsnet!

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkbluewhite · 15/08/2022 13:19

Oopsiedaisyy · 15/08/2022 13:13

If he hasn't messaged in two weeks it's over anyway

So he has been messaging but I started both of the conversations, which started to feel a bit one way

OP posts:
mamabeeboo · 15/08/2022 13:25

OP, this flakey attitude is all too common in early stage "seeing each other" relationships. I understand what you mean about wanting him to initiate, you also want to feel wanted, want to know if he's into you, wonder if he needs to be reminded you exist or he thinks of you on his own etc.

The only advice I can give is that it sounds like this has run it's course and he might be focusing his time on somewhere/someone else.

Suprima · 15/08/2022 14:07

pinkbluewhite · 15/08/2022 13:18

Thanks for all the responses, the majority have been really helpful. Talk of the devil he called me today but I was at work and missed it. Think I’ll just leave things now, I don’t find the dynamic very fulfilling. And the only reason I mentioned being fairly chilled in my OP is because I don’t think it’s a case of me being too intense or full on, rather than ‘screaming of my low self esteem’ 😄 only on mumsnet!

but nothing you are asking or wanting of him suggests a person who is intense at all.

why would we assume that?

it’s pretty normal to want the person who apparently likes you to reach out to you and answer your texts and calls. nothing about is full on at all…just basic?

Dery · 15/08/2022 15:49

Let it go. It sounds like he’s losing interest or like you’re on his “subs bench”, as a close friend on mine describes it. Always a bit of a blow if you’re still interested but the hurt feelings will pass.

ScorpioTwinkle1 · 15/08/2022 19:18

If he called you, I'd ring back and ask what's up. Mirror his behaviour moving forward and just live your life. Make your own plans and if he shows up, say you already have other plans.
If you want to know what he is up to, have you met any of his friends or family to see if there is a 3rd party involved?

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