Mental health on the floor with comments about having baby alone

[imyu]

For horrible and traumatic reasons I am now going to be alone bringing up a baby. I’m already in a fragile state but the amount of comments I’m getting from people are really starting to make me crumble.

you won’t cope
youll find it doubly hard
you will need to find a night nanny or you will never sleep
you will find it very difficult
im not sure how you’ll manage
you won’t have a moment to yourself
x finds it hard and she has Ian to support her
it will be relentless to you in a way much worse when you’re alone
you can’t understand how hard and lonely you will find it, just you wait
I don’t know what you’ll do if you have to have a c section (I may need this so it’s out of my control anyway)

not only am I dealing with a smashed heart, but also now have no confidence, I’m not looking forward to any of it as I’m so scared, I feel like literally everyone who has made those comments is waiting for me to mess up. I literally feel like they’re on the sidelines thinking let’s just watch this disaster unfold.

im so depressed. I feel terrified about the future now rather than ok like I did before I announced I was doing it alone.

@imyu my mother said a lot of this to me, and I had a partner (of sorts) at the time…

I also got very worried about it, but you know what, I was fine. Yes you’ll be tired (try and sleep when the baby sleeps, to hell with tidying!)

the only things that you need to concentrate on to start with are getting the two of you fed and rested.clean-ish clothes is the next priority- I used to chuck everything in the machine throughout the day then put it on before bed and hang it out first thing so it was part of our routine.

after that everything else fits in when you have time/inclination- getting out, seeing people and so on.

you’ll be fine I promise dont listen to the negative crap - when you have a little one your world shrinks to those few priorities above to start with, so embrace that and enjoy your baby; I don’t remember the state the house was in when DS was small, but I do remember endless cuddles and gazing at each other all day! You’ll be fine 💜

OP, have a chat to your midwife about these thoughts and feelings. There are extra ressources available for mental health during pregnancy because it’s a time when mental health worries spike.
Newborns are hard work. It’s not a secret. We all cope because we have to, with whatever ressources are available to us. You no longer have the father of your baby as support. That doesn’t mean you have zero support network. Do you have family or friends who will be willing to help? Things as simple as a friend who will bring you some ready to reheat food once a week, or a family member who can stop by afterwork and hold the baby while you shower then make you both a cup of tea to share. There are also community support things around - find out if there are any playgroups you could go to. These can be great even when your baby is too small to care. You can have a chat with some other mums and there are always biscuits and tea involved and someone will always keep an eye on your baby for you while you go to the loo or make a quick phone call.
You need two things support-wise - some regular adult conversation to keep you from feeling too isolated, and sometimes the odd bit of practical help with your baby when looking after them means you neglected yourself a bit.

Don't listen to them.

You will be fine just as thousands of women before and after you will be fine.

I was 24 when I had my first. Engaged, living together, family business... for the first 8 months of pregnancy anyway. I discovered he'd got another woman pregnant and we split up.

I moved back home - over 300 miles away. I was homeless and lived in a mother and baby home for a year because I had no one. I was threatened. My child was threatened. And, in all that, the thing that kept me going was his happy smiling face, his giggles, his security. There were no distractions, no arguments, no one else to consider - just me and him living our lives every day.

I had no friends, having moved so far away, I had no family support - my dad was recently remarried and my mother, well she's another story for another day, but I was completely on my own but the night before he was born (was induced) we were walking round sainsburys picking up some last minute essentials and she turned to me amd said, "I bet you wish you weren't having him kpw, don't you?" I had similar comments from her as you are getting and it just made me more determined than ever to succeed and prove her wrong.

And, yet, I had the most wonderful time. I look back on that time as one of the loveliest times of my life. Just me and my baby pleasing ourselves. Yes, there were hard times but he was never hard. Being his mum was never hard.
I moved out into a flat and we were a team. I went to university as a single parent, when he was 19 months old, and got a first class degree. He went to university in another city with me every day to attend nursery.

23 years on, that baby is a man who has graduated university, works full time and with whom I have a wonderful relationship. He's turned out to be everything I could have hoped for.

There's nothing special about me. I grew up in abuse, I struggled to find myself, I lived with great sadness for many years but none if that was directly related to him.

It's not a disaster. It's an adventure with your tiny human. Someone you will teach and learn from. And you will learn. About your capacity for love, your resilience, your strength.

And it will be the most amazing adventure. And that's what you can tell anyone who dares to try and undermine you.

I’d forgotten the food thing - someone on here suggested filling the freezer with ready-made stuff- bought it home-made. Everyone here laughed when I did that…OTT they said. It wasn’t, it was a godsend- it meant I ate a decent meal once a day rather than existing on rubbish because I didn’t have time to cook.

and yes yes to getting a friend to drop by to hold/feed baby whilst you shower or even nap…or just-fed DS used to sit in his chair and watch me in the shower. Another friend used to turn up and tidy/up or cook / I protested to start with but it became a day I looked forward to - adult company and a clean house - so allow yourself to let people help even if your usually very independent!

one day at a time lovely, you’ve got this !

Oh and the only actual advice I would give is to consider breastfeeding if you are able to.

I bf for 18 months and not having to wash and sterilise bottles, and make up formula in the middle of the night made such a difference!

There will be hard moments but you’ll be fine. I now have 2 kids and for various reasons I’ve ended up doing everything for the younger one by myself. As long as you understand what life is like with a baby you’ll be absolutely fine, so I think the best thing you can do to be ready and find it easier than people are telling you is manage your expectations . You might not find this helpful but here’s a little list of things I wish I knew with my first… I thought I was ready for my first baby but it was a bit of a shock to be honest.

Take time now to find your support network (meet ups in local area? Nct? Existing friends and family) , get a true impression from somewhere (friends, mumsnet) about what having a baby under 1 is like, learn to accept a bit of chaos in your house (mess) and maybe do some batch cooking for the freezer. Nearer the time stock up on food that needs no prep and can be grabbed with one hand - nuts, crisps, fruit, biscuits, breakfast bars (not the healthiest list!)

also when things are tough and you’re tired remember it will pass. And it’s not ideal but you’ll surprise yourself with how little sleep you can survive - and even enjoy things - on. Best thing to do if you haven’t slept in the night is plan a day of sleeping for the next day, but if you can’t (ie because your baby has grown out of lots of day sleeping) then get out and about with the pram, meet up with people or go to the local childrens centre and have a couple of coffees.

there’ll be lots of times when you’ll be comfortably snuggled on the sofa enjoying a tv series with a sleeping baby in your arms.

are any of the people that are saying these things actually offering to help you? If not tell them to jog on!! Bloody rude to be so negative unless you’re following that with “so how can I help”?

Also completely agree re breastfeeding if you can. I switched from BF to formula with number 1 because I wanted some independence but it wasn’t worth it. I probably got 2 lots of 4 hours of independence in his first year and for that I had to pay the price of endless sterilising and washing and mixing formula. It’s multiple times a day every day…

you can still BF and have independence. Just make sure your baby will take the bottle and either express or buy some formula for those occasions. You might need to pump if it’s more than one feed away from your baby but it’s way less hassle than being a permanent bottle feeder.

It will be hard OP but there's virtually no mother alive for whom it's not. Some women have a DP with them but they barely do anything. In fact often just cause more stress. I'm not saying your situation is better than that, more that it's not always grass is greener. While you're clearly alone, there are more mothers out there than we realise who are unsupported too. You're not alone in being alone if that makes sense.

So you can do this. The food thing mentioned above is one thing you can prepare ahead. Think of things you can eat with one hand. A sling too can be helpful as it means baby is with you but you have two free hands.

A thermos cup with a lid can be good for making cups of tea that can't spill and stay warm.

And give yourself permission to stay in PJs all day if you want and to stay snuggled in bed with baby for as much time as you want.

And baby will cry. It does happen and it's not because you're doing anything wrong, they all cry and we all get stressed about it at times. What we need to go is be good enough - not perfect - on average. Do not look at glowing photos if mothers and newborns and think that's reality (unless you're married to the future king and need to present yourself to international press). We're all a mess and figuring out what to do. But you will, just like us, somehow make it work. Maybe you'll set baby up with a schedule, maybe you'll go with the flow. The only right choice here is the one that works for you. It's honestly that simple.

But your biggest challenge here might just be being extra nice to yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Allow yourself to have an untidy house or days with baby in front of the TV.

But don't be extra nice to the feckers who are saying these things. I'd tell them that they're always welcome to come and lend a hand if they think you'll be so crap. You have nothing to prove to them or anyone else.

Oh and the best advice I had was to not get changed into clothes when people come to visit baby. It's really true that if people see you in a dressing gown they help you more then if you're dressed! They also don't expect to be waited on. It made visits in the early days far less stressful than with DC1 when I was intent to prove how unaffected I was by giving birth/having a baby to look after!

Honestly, you're going to find a way to do it your way and it will work out. Somehow it always does.

I would also recommend speaking to your midwife about all of this. If you can get extra support then you should - no reason not to!

Can you plan to have a very restful mat leave OP? Sleep us in short supply with a newborn, partner or not, but if you can take it really easy in the daytime and just let yourself rest whenever you get a moment it will be much easier. I don't know why people love to tell expecting mothers how hard things will be, I really loved the newborn stage and it was about a thousand times easier than when our dog was a new puppy!

The more organized you are before the baby arrives, the easier it will be, echo previous poster with prepping meals for freezer, make sure you have a good system set up for cleaning and drying bottles. If you have multiple floors have a diaper caddy with all the baby care stuff (plus extra outfits, muslin towels, and even non perishable snacks if you're breastfeeding) on each floor. For the first couple weeks I had a caddy in the bathroom with postpartum stuff for me as well(pads, the mesh pants, peri bottle, witch hazel wipes, dermoplast etc.)

Get yourself well setup and then plan to loll around on the couch a lot. If I have one regret from my postpartum time it's that I didn't watch enough TV. There's so much good TV!

Good luck OP, surround yourself with positivity!

I had my oldest on my own, I was alone from 8 weeks pregnant. He's 19 now. I wouldn't change a single thing about being his mother. He has taught me things about myself and life in general that I would never have known inside a secure relationship. He is my life's work.

You can do this OP. Wait until you see your baby. Just wait and see. You have a choice to make the best life for you both and are about to embark on the hardest but most gratifying relationship of your life. Just go with it

I had so many doubters, they said all those things to me and worse (one asked if I even knew who the father is!) - they have all shut up now when they see my successful musician son all over their social media and my good life. Wait and see.

I really want to reply to you and I say I went through the exact same thing.
I was dumped at pregnancy by my partner who tried to force me to have a termination.

I cut out anyone who was negative. One friend asked me how I was feeling about having a ‘bastard’ I dropped her and our friendship never recovered.

you can and will do this

it’s hard but it is motherhood right ? And it is a damn sight easier doing it married to or with a fuckwit. I promise you. I’ve done both alone was easier.

so here’s what I did in no particular order

1. chest freezer and batch cook loads yes loads


2. got a positive counsellor who I discussed and did everything with prior to having the baby. I discussed how I would deal with him if he wanted contact. CMS. How to deal with negative stereotypes etc she was brilliant get a counsellor now and invest in some support throughout pregnancy and in the months after


3. figure out how much and what you are going to say going forward. Eg don’t tell any on what names you are thinking if etc as everyone always likes doesn’t like etc figure out what you like


4. my advice don’t put him on the bc and give baby your surname


5. get CMS payment organised swiftly so he pays for your child


6. you don’t need as much as people tell you having a baby is a mass market you don’t need a bumbo, bouncy chair etc you need baby gros lots of flannels cotton wool (the square pads that don’t disintegrate) and muslin things get your gp support and midwife and hv support - money might be tight and mine was great - needed metanium calpol or whatever it was supposed to be on prescription but mine was kind and supportive


7. everywhere is couple couple couple - but the bond between you and your baby is unique when you don’t have a partner - really close


8. less arguments there is only you and baby - no couple arguments and no one pushing your buttons or reducing a bond or being a fuckwit etc


9. Watch the things around you I did eg baby books have mother and father sections - that hit me hard


10. I read her lots of mummy and me books


11. keep the radio on it’s company of a kind


12. my daughter is now 15 and we are far closer than other mothers and daughters we know


13. please pm me if you want to talk move

you got this.

famous quote a woman is like a tea bag you never know how strong she is until she’s in hot water.

this Is going to be far easier than having a fuckwit drawing around your ankle.
your children, your home and your family and rules

All of this, esp 4. The ramifications will last far beyond babyhood.

Huh, why would anyone say that's OTT? That's just one of the basic things loads of people do before going into hospital, right? I did the same and didn't think twice about it. Was lovely to be able to just heat up a nice homemade meal within 10-15 mins and with zero effort!

OP: you will do great. As others have said, thousands of mothers have done this since time immemorial, others will do it after you. It'll be difficult but parenting IS difficult full stop. Reach out for as much support as you can possibly find, be open to meeting people. Don't feel pressured re feeding either way, a study showed that parents who bf or ff get equal amounts of sleep because breastfed babies don't sleep as well but formula fed babies obviously need their parent up and about preparing bottles and cleaning and sterilising them after they've nodded off! So whatever works for you and your baby works for you and your baby, see how it goes and don't put too much pressure on yourself. You can have the best laid plans and your body and baby have a completely different idea :)

What helpful people.🙄

The fact us, many women have done it before and many more will do it.

Take any help whatsoever from kind, we'll intentioned people.

Aside from that, f your baby doesbt sleep well (which plenty of them actually do).I recommend co sleeping on as large a mattress as possible, use a narrow sleeping bad for you, cellular blankets or baby sleeping bag or them, and if you're not breast feeding, get a mini fridge fpr formula in your bedroom (use pre mixed/,ready made formula at night).

They are hard work but they are also incredibly wonderful. Their phases also go by very fast. They'll be young kids befued you know it.