So conflicted about whether to stay with husband ! I go around and around with it all constantly and now it's damaging my MH.
There's so much to unpack but before I start I know I've been a total mug !
We are both in our 50s, together almost 15 years, married for 11. Each have a grown child, his a 21 yo son who he never sees and my DD lives with us – she has special needs, she's 21 and a lovely young woman.
We were very happy for a number of years although there were always 'red flags'. He wasn't always so great with my DD when she was younger but they have a good relationship now. I had a bit of breakdown several years ago and was quite ill for a time, he wasn't at all supportive and once I got better that was when my view of him really shifted.
Money and work have always been sticking points. I work a few hours part time and get a decent income from the disability benefits and carers allowance I receive for my DD that I don't take for granted and am very thankful for – if any of you reading have had to navigate the system to get what your child is entitled to you'll understand what a strain it can be to apply for and get it all sorted out.
I have always paid for everything – rent, food, bills, holidays, you name it. It's just 'happened' that way, he works for himself as a tradesman and has constantly been in and out of work, just doing bits and pieces here and there but not contributing anything significant financially. I've even paid for his car tax, MOT and insurance before now, just to keep his car legal.
I've tried and tried to talk to him, I've asked him to just pay his way and pull his weight but he gets so defensive – never nasty or violent but dismissive and shuts down the conversation - then I leave it too as I have other stuff I need to worry about … and so it goes on and here we are all these years later.
I've posted elsewhere that he's just inherited some money from his late father - £28,000 – and he gave me £20,000 and kept £8,000 for himself. Now, I'm seeing this money as him finally making some sort of contribution but when you break it down, £20,000 over 15 years is a little over £100 a month. It's nothing ! But I know he sees it as he's given it to me so that's his part done and it will shut me up.
I feel like I am at a crossroads now. We rent a tiny two bed bungalow and a larger place has come up to rent that I'm going to view tomorrow. If I get it I feel like telling him I want to move there with just my DD and he can sort himself out. He's got a bit of money now, he can bloody well stand on his own two feet after sponging off me for years. We have split up a couple of times before but ended up drifting back together again (again, my stupid fault).
His good points (there are some !). He's a kind person, he helps out with my DD, making her meals and things if I'm not there, we still have a laugh together and he does love me. I don't hate him, but could I muddle along with him being like he is for the rest of my life ?
I'm so confused, I really would appreciate hearing your thoughts – I can handle it ! I think !