Gaslighting

[Twinkletoes18]

Im going to try to summarise this but it will be hard to.

I have been having a few problems lately with communication with my DH. When I married him, he was the sweetest person I knew. He still is at times but now I feel I dont love him.

I have been gaslight all these 8 years of marriage and I only made it out a couple of months ago. I spoke to my therapist about our problems and she told me you are being gaslighted.

many times he has said something that has difference of opinion and When i challenge it, he doesn’t like it. Or when I ask him more about his opinion, he said he didnt say anything. An example:

i told him I wanted to learn how to drive many times, he hasn’t ever enthusiastically said of course go ahead!! He said alot of things like how I needed to sort my health out first (nothing major just shoulder pain tensions), find the time to work and settle our little one into reception. Said I have such big dreams and to stop chasing them. We recently got a puppy and he said yes to getting one as our son is a little bit of special needs and loves dogs. He now has flipped and said the dog was your project and how his mum told him not to lift a finger in cleaning up after the dog, or take the dog out. I was hurt, and confused as to why has he made it my project now? Im going crazy and insane and beating myself up about how stupid I am to bring a dog. But the dog has given me comfort whereas hes been gaslighting me so much, I just dont have confidence in myself anymore.

Keep your distance from people who make you feel crazy and insane, otherwise you will spend your time feeling crazy and insane.

Did you have a question you'd like MN to answer? Essentially your post says 'My husband is gaslighting me.' What are you hoping for from the thread?

Hi
you don’t need his permission to learn to drive just start the process and book lessons. The dog I sympathise but you have him now so not much to be done and he’s bringing you comfort too that’s lovely. your partner sounds awful but you are now aware of what he’s doing so it’s a huge step forward for you, make plans to leave and grey rock as much as you can to cope.

Im sorry I didnt have a question, I meant to just talk on here. I tried to even talk to him at times about how I feel and how he makes me feel. He made me so sad and actually said towards the end that I took so much of his time. Whilst he took 10min to just explain his point of view.

Sorry I didn’t really write a question. I just wanted to know if its me being sensitive or just being gaslighted.

I was clear about starting the lessons soon, and I was looking forward to it. He just went on about how much am I really taking on board, i tried to look at his way but then he started talking about how I never see how he struggles to save at times with my projects.

i feel bad and guilty as I work from home on my small business as a illustrator and base my work around my son and I do full childcare and he takes over in the evening. i barely get time to work. And I don’t earn as much, but I look after alot of the house problems and my son, dog, cooking, laundry its just endless, i never feel appreciated and always taken for granted.

as for the dog, hes my responsibility and I am doing everything I can so that my DH doesnt have to do much.

you are prioritising his income over yours which is a mistake, look into formal childcare to allow you to work and build savings to allow you choices

I just wanted to know if its me being sensitive or just being gaslighted

But who gets to decide what you're allowed to be sensitive about? What if you are just being sensitive? Do you just have to dismiss your feelings, then?

The thing is, there are no rules. There's nothing to say whether you're being 'too sensitive' because there's no authority on what the 'right' level of sensitive is. There's nothing to say whether his behaviour is 'right' or 'wrong', because there is no right and wrong (except for laws). So we all have to make our own rules for ourselves, and that's called respecting your own feelings. Nobody has to get anybody to do anything differently, because everybody decides for themselves. All we can do, as individuals, is to choose what we want to be close to.

Your question is a bit like 'Are these sprouts disgusting, or am I just being oversensitive about their flavour?' It doesn't matter if everyone else in the room thinks they're the best thing they've ever eaten: YOU don't like them, so YOU choose not to eat them.

So, he makes you feel hurt, confused, crazy, insane, and you're beating yourself up. Unless you're enjoying that, find a way to be away from it. You're currently asking other people to tell you if it's ok to have your feelings: it's ALWAYS ok to have your feelings. Even if you feel like gouging his eyes out with a rusty spoon. You don't have to do it, but it's ok to have the feeling, and to respond to it in a healthy way (i.e. 'geez it feels bad to be around this guy, I'm off!')

Respect your feelings. You are precisely the right amount of 'sensitive' for yourself. What anybody else thinks doesn't inform that. What you think won't change how you feel either. You just have to respect it. It's how to take care of yourself.

sounds more like he.s trying to get away from solving things. where he.s grumpy it.s just your impression, etc

do not see a willful action to make you insane, just his way of getting out of solving things, doing stuff.