Penny has dropped - my mother is angry with me

[Grananger]

shes 70s, I’m 50s. She is very cross with me because:

I got divorced and therefore She now has a divorced daughter

My son was diagnosed with autism, and she didn’t want that and said I “only did it for attention” (pursued a diagnosis)

I was not thin enough, and this reflected badly on her. (I had an eating disorder for years, which I’ve got a handle on, but now she would rather I wasn’t too “glamorous”)

You get the picture. What I couldn’t work out though, is that despite giving appearances of being a loving gran, and offering childcare etc she would and still does, side with my ex, who was abusive by any measure. I didn’t get how shr could do that to her own child.

Then I realised that it’s not that she actually agrees with him. She just knows it’s a good way to annoy me. And she is VERY annoyed that I divorced him.

We are currently not speaking because she unilaterally rearranged child access arrangements without consulting me. She has become HIS backup childcare, which gives him chance to see the kids even less than his current piss poor efforts. She wants to see the children (well one of them anyway) and won’t apologise.

Her fury with me is I think, not reflecting glory on her in the way she wants, and having a new (over a year now) partner when she feels I shouldn’t.

I don’t know how to move forward.

Therapy and low contact.

Therapy for her? She’s the one who needs it!

Therapy for you to disengage as painlessly as possible from a primary relationship in your life now you’ve realised how very little she supports, cares for and wants the best for you.

@Grananger it’s been mentioned a few times on here, but The Narcissistic Family by Robert M. Pressman might be a quite cathartic book to read/listen to to begin with.

Your mother sounds like a nightmare tbh, they way she is behaving with your ex is beyond terrible behaviour. You are right to expect more from your mother, a lot more. Unfortunately, you will not change her and help her to see the error of her ways, but you may one day figure out what happened to you growing up (and now) and explain it to her and it will probably make you feel better.
If you do a bit of work on it, either on your own or with a good therapist, you will be able to free yourself from caring so much about how she has let you down. 💐

Mmmhmm.

Yep therapy for you to learn how to respond to a potentially narcissistic parent

No contact I went. Best thing I ever did.

No contact, and let your children know there is no obligation for them to see her, regardless of any guilt tripping, but you’ll give them support if they want to

Hmm. This occupies my thoughts.

I am very hurt and bewildered that she pushed for me to stay in an abusive marriage because she didn’t want me to be divorced. She has subsequently told people she was “blinded” by my ex and couldn’t see what he was like, but that’s just bullshit. She knew what he was doing and chose to look the other way, SHE had decided his behaviour towards me was acceptable and therefore I should have put up with it.
She’s backpedaling like mad now because she knows it reflects badly on her.

she is very close to one of my children and he is asking to see her. I have said no for the moment and he’s very annoyed and upset. I don’t know how to handle that. He’s a very young 11.

I know Attila et al always recommend no contact but it makes me feel sick really. I’ve dialled things down and we haven’t actually been in touch over the last week.

OP, your mother is a horror and has access to your children.

The reason Atillaet al, give advice they do is because when people have horrors like your mother in their lives, their best chance for a bit of peace is NC.

Why you would allow such a horror near your child is beyond me.

She has zero love or concern for you, that is clear.

I am with Atilla et al and would parent your child and say that your mother is not a good person and you want nothing further to do with her.

If your abusive ex hands him over that is another issue, but on your watch you will not be facilitating her.

Get some counselling.

You have two abusive people in your life.

Tell her to get fucked and live happily ever after without her!

She'll very likely attempt to poison your relationship with your 11yr old. As he gets older, you really don't want him siding with her. I don't see why you would promote a relationship with your children when she has this toxicity. You don't really need that shared with them, you need to stand between them and her, because she is not a different person when she is with them.

Move forward without her.

You also have to ask yourself does she actually love your child or does she want to be able to use your child against you?

I went low contact over several periods and now I am finally no contact, a weight has been lifted. A lot of what you've said reminds me of my own mother (barring the ex part although it wouldn't surprise me if she behaved in that way given the chance).

Re. DC, mine have their own phone and can contact her whenever they wish. Fortunately she isn't local so I haven't had to worry about seeing them.

I've always hated the saying 'blood is thicker than water' because it imposes some sort obligation on you that you must stick with your family no matter how they behave. It's completely toxic and doesn't get any better ime. I echo PP and say you should have some sort of counselling session to help unpick this. You sound as if you don't really see how awful she's been over the years and the damage she has done, picking on your weight/encouraging you to live with an abusive partner and I bet there are lots of little things too that you've dismissed.

It’s the dissonance I think - yes she has said and done some awful things. But she’s also been very practically supportive too. I was unwell and I had to rely on her quite heavily and strangely enough she was fine when I was “weakened.”

OP grab a cuppa go to the AIBU section and have a read all 3 pages of narsassistic mothers saying post.You will find so much detail and so many people who are or have terrible stories to tell like yours.It is upsetting but weirdly cathartic. My mother ugh makes yours look angelic! Todays latest episode is I am in trouble and she is giving me one word answers,very nearly silent treatment and being down right obtuse because her ceiling coving came down now bearing in mind I was 19 yrs old when i last lived there and saw her bedroom and I am now 50 it is all my fault as she told me it had a slight crack and I didnt fix it..I mean ffs I am many things but sadly not a plasterer! That thing of a woman can curdle milk with a look with an attitude and beliefs that frankly can only be discribed as bordering on being unhinged,

all 34 pages I meant! You are so not alone x