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Original poster

Want to leave but financially stuck.

20 replies

becoming3 · 14/08/2022 18:01

Hello,

I'm looking for some advice from anyone who has been in a relationship and wanted to leave but was reliant on their partner financially.

I have 2 soon to be 3 children and I am desperate to be financially free so I can leave. I worked part time up until my youngest was born in 2020, I was made redundant during pregnancy and we decided I would stay off until the baby was 3 and then I would go back to work due to childcare. The relationship has been great and we are expecting a third baby early next year where we had the same plan, once baby was 3 I would return to work.

However, recent events have lead me to feel like I need to leave. I am terrified of the financial side. Even though I handle everything financially he pays for it. I was paying half until late last year as I had a good redundancy payout.

My credit is much better than his so everything of value we have is in my name eg car. We haven't long got it and it's quite expensive per month, fine while we were a couple but alone would be a struggle if I wasn't working. Tenancy is joint. I would want to stay here but I don't know if he would leave.

I am in the middle of a university degree and I'm desperate to open some sort of business that I can run from home around the children but obviously it doesn't just happen and I don't even know where to start with it.

The cost of living is also continuing to rise and I worry that if I leave my children will suffer as a result. I have fantastic support from family so if I needed help I could ask but I don't particularly want to.

I worked all my life (I'm early 30s) up until 2020 so it's a new and not so nice feeling of having to rely so heavily on someone else for money but we were happy and my partner was happy for me to stay home until the kids were school age.

Sorry, I'm rambling. But basically my question is how did you do it? Any advice welcome Im happy to take it on board. I feel like I have no choices at the moment.

Thanks

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 14/08/2022 18:03

Are you married?

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/08/2022 18:04

No advice OP but I'm in a similar position except my DCs are 18 and 20. I can't work full time due to health issues.

Original poster
becoming3 · 14/08/2022 18:06

@DropOfffArtiste hello, no not married thankfully

@dizzydizzydizzy I really feel for you. It's so hard feeling like you can't change your situation but I know there is a way! Hopefully some of the advice will help us both today

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 14/08/2022 18:08

How long left on your degree?

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/08/2022 18:08

I hope so, OP .I have struck a blank with women's aid and citizens advice.

Original poster
becoming3 · 14/08/2022 18:11

I have two years left but was planning on staying on an extra year for an extended qualification but that's definitely not essential. It's part time also so it's not too big an issue in my life as can work it around most things

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 14/08/2022 18:30

Well, you need to get a job which will be tricky with two small kids and a third on the way. He will only be obligated to pay child maintenance as you are not married and as you rent, it doesn't sound like there is property to split/sell.

Original poster
becoming3 · 14/08/2022 18:36

That's exactly what I thought, but now I'm stuck on 1. who will employ me while pregnant and leaving in 5/6 months time, and 2. how much childcare I will be able to afford. My parents work full time so I don't have them to help and wouldn't expect them to anyway.

I'm looking for jobs currently, just trying to find something I can at least do at home and an employer that is okay with hiring someone during their pregnancy.

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 14/08/2022 18:53

I take it you've spent all your redundancy money and have no emergency savings? Can you get out of the car lease arrangement early somehow so at least you don't have that hanging over you too?

Seems you've taken the entire financial hit of leaving work and looking after the kids with no financial security and it has had no impact on him.

MaryBlighthouse · 14/08/2022 19:00

How desperate are you to move out? Honestly, I think it will be very hard to find an employer to take you on if you are obviously pg ( even though it’s illegal to discriminate). You’ll be more employable once the baby is here. Though I guess you aren’t obviously pg at the moment, so accepting a job and signing a contract then announcing your pg is an option, depending on how you feel about that.

Original poster
becoming3 · 14/08/2022 19:13

No emergency savings, and we've only had the car a few months which is on PCP so I feel it's unlikely they would let me out now although worst case I could try and sell it and pay off what I can etc. but that's something I'll need to look into.

Credit card is in my name with not a huge amount but about £2000 on so substantial for a single parent in this climate.

Yeah absolutely no difference for him financially really only recently he's needed to pay a bit more than before. But if i wasn't around most of our debt would also disappear for him.

I agree, going to be hard on the job front. I would feel bad going into a business not telling them as if I had a business I would be a bit gutted hiring someone that was going to need replacing in a few months time.

I've started saving what I can but it's not much. I would love to stay in the property as it's perfect for me and the kids and close to my parents. And quite cheap compared to what's out there now but I know he will be thinking the same for himself. I'm really trying to turn my superwoman, money making life changing head on but it's not happening as I imagined!!

OP posts:
Caroffee · 14/08/2022 19:21

Look into what benefits you would be able to claim as a single parent of three children with no employment income. You'd get your rent paid at least and should be able to continue studying if it's part-time. There are benefits calculators online. Often this doesn't occur to people who have always worked but it doesn't have to be forever. You are still young and have many years in front of you for things to change.

Original poster
becoming3 · 14/08/2022 19:26

@Caroffee thank you that's really helpful I'll definitely do that.

Thanks everyone so far 😊

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 14/08/2022 19:43

What are these recent events that have gone from you getting pregnant with a third child to wanting to end the relationship? It seems like a very big leap. In addition, why is the debt in your name only, ugh!!!! I appreciate that shit has happened to make you re-evaluate the relationship but having everything, including debt in your name only was very very foolish. Start making better financial decisions today and cut up the credit card and clear the debt. I’m guessing the new car on hp was his idea.

Original poster
becoming3 · 14/08/2022 19:52

@AgentJohnson extremely foolish! And I'm kicking myself for it now.

Long story short, he cheated last year. Who knows how long, she said 4 months and he said it was 4 months of contact but only one time was physical. Didn't believe it. I was about to walk then but we were still living together and enough grovelling and I ended up (stupidly) staying. FF to this year and I accidentally fell pregnant while on antibiotics which I thought was a myth. Or maybe it is and it was just bad luck.

We hardly argue and the relationship is really good 99% of the time but we had a disagreement today and he unnecessarily kicked off from 0-100 called me a few names and said Im nothing just like... other woman's name. It absolutely cut like a knife and I was so shocked. And I just thought the amount of pain he put me through and the amount of work it took me to believe in our relationship again I'll never be able to look at him the same.

We've been together for 7 years and everything was always in my name. His credit is loads better than it was so we were working towards this not always being the case. I've already got the balance on a 0% interest as I think for a while I've been thinking it's time I get rid of this debt and fast.

Car was a joint idea as last one was costing a lot in repairs as was out of warranty but I've always picked cars that would be doable if I had to afford it by myself. I had a nagging gut feeling when we got it but of course went ahead with it anyway, so this one's about £100 more a month than we're used to. Everything has been fine since last year so I had no reason to have to worry but today has changed that for me.

OP posts:
SaltyCrisp · 14/08/2022 19:58

Get some relationship counselling. You said things are good most of the time and you're soon to be a family of 5 so the pair of you need to sort yourselves out for your DC sake.

DropOfffArtiste · 14/08/2022 20:00

If you are not in actual danger you could play the medium term and build up a secret "fuck off" fund stashed away in your own name. If you have access to joint funds, use that to pay down the debt in your name and channel some away so you have a cushion.

Make sure you are getting any benefits you are entitled to, sell anything you can, while looking for a job.

SparklyAntlers · 14/08/2022 20:07

I think biding your time sounds like a sensible idea, giving you time to get your ducks in a row. Even telling him you want space and getting him to move to a spare room if possible.

Speak to the car company, there might be something you can do on the PCP.

Could you tell a lie built on the truth and tell him you need to sort joint finances out as you're worried about the stability of the relationship given his recent comment. Put it on him to show his commitment if he's sorry for the comment - and the affair.

His comment is deplorable, and there isn't any excuse for it. But, if you think there's any salvaging the relationship perhaps marriage counselling is a good idea.

Original poster
becoming3 · 14/08/2022 20:07

DropOfffArtiste · 14/08/2022 20:00

If you are not in actual danger you could play the medium term and build up a secret "fuck off" fund stashed away in your own name. If you have access to joint funds, use that to pay down the debt in your name and channel some away so you have a cushion.

Make sure you are getting any benefits you are entitled to, sell anything you can, while looking for a job.

That's a really good idea. That has been my initial plan so I'm going to put that into place now to be safe and just try and get myself in as good a financial situation as I possibly can in a short time

OP posts:
Original poster
becoming3 · 14/08/2022 20:11

I will also explore the counselling, although I don't know if he would go for it. To be honest I still don't think I'm over the cheating as it is. Some days I zone out and think of things that don't add up from before I found out etc and it hits me all over again. So for him to say I mean nothing just like her was an absolute blow. And hearing her name again coming from his mouth made me feel sick. He also called me fat, which hasn't happened before. I'm also 4 months pregnant so am a little bigger than I was but I've only put on a pound and was bloody proud of my healthy eating so far

OP posts:
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