How can I get over this?

[imoooy]

I have a four year old. My ex, the absolute love of my life, has never met them. I still miss him. Still think of him. Still grieve over what could have been. I date and work and have spent loads on counselling. But honestly, I can’t seem to let go of the love I felt all that time ago. I wished it had been different. My heart feels like it’s breaking some days. Other days I’m ok and think we can’t possibly have been right together if he disappeared like he did. But we are both in our forties, I know he’s single and never met anyone else. I honestly believe he was the right person and it’s still so hard. Will it get better? I don’t understand why I am still in this deep sadness after so long. Like I say I date etc and find that side to life quite easy. But nobody is him.

Why did the relationship end?

In what way is a man who "disappeared" and who has never met their four-year-old child right? This man is not decent or responsible.

I think you have an invented idea of what this man is like (based on him at his very best, I'm sure) but you must realise that this is not him, at least not in any sustainable way.

Your life is on hold. Let go of the fantasy, and live your life as it is. Maybe then you may meet someone who is worthwhile.

@DisplayPurposesOnly @Hydrangeapetals yeah it definitely feels on hold and I wish it didn’t.

i absolutely know he’s been awful to dc and I hate him for that. But in this horrible way the love remains for him. In 36 years he was the person I fell for properly. I’m now 43 and just feel as I did then.

I’ve had SO much therapy. Nothing seems to change.

He has shown you his true self.

You are displaying the mindset of a victim. Your child deserves better than this. Stop thinking about this waster and look after your child better. I mean this kindly btw as I assume you are a good mum.

you are in love with and holding onto a dream. its very easy to be in love like this. but your reality is obviously very different. You are living in the past which means you arent making the most of the present and cant plan for the future. if its his child I hope he supports them financially. You are half way through your life, dont waste the rest of it on a dream

I could never love someone who did that to my child. Can you try and view him from that perspective?

@Elsiid yeah I try to. He had a difficult childhood and went on to be very successful but struggled emotionally. I suppose I have some sympathy for him. We didn’t end on great terms as I felt so unsupported at the time and I think part of me looks back and wonders if I asked too much of him. If I was expecting too much you know? I still think about him and hope he’s ok but yes I feel anger when I think about what he’s done to DC. It was like he made the decision one day to just cut them off and that was that. It doesn’t seem normal or rational and so I feel even more sadness. Might have been easier if he had left me for someone else.

It might be limerance, have you heard of that? The Crappy Childhood Fairy on youtube has excellent videos about it.

And/or could it be that you're unable to accept being a single mum? As it's different from what you hoped? I say this because I still feel like it on and off (it's been 5.5 years!), I just had a very firm idea of what my future would look like and struggle to accept it isn't how I wanted.

@Hereforaccountability yeah it could be partly that actually. I feel like something is missing and I guess the traditional family set up isn’t the same without him? All seems so sad all round when I have so much love for him even now.

I felt so unsupported at the time and I think part of me looks back and wonders if I asked too much of him

This is the crux of your problem. His departure plays on something inside you that feels really scared of letting people down. Something that tells you you must support someone, however crappy it might feel for you.

Where does that come from? Did you put your feelings aside to support a parent as a kid? Ill parent? Abusive parent? Addict parent..?