My life is a bit of a mess and I can’t see a future

[Fhsp]

Basically I’m 36 with a two year old. Single mum, my high achieving (selfish bastard) of an ex left me when I was pregnant. He is busy earning money and getting on with his career having never ever met his child.

Two issues are mentally breaking me…

1. He turned 40 a month after DC was born and I don’t know why but that fact has always made me feel a bit sick. This was a man who really wanted kids, apparently. I spent a year trying to get him to be involved and he continued to blank me as if I didn’t exist. I heard from a friend he suspected the pregnancy had been planned by me…. We were using condoms so I don’t know how he managed to come up with that! I wondered about addressing it with him if that’s the reason he won’t see DC? But then I don’t want to have to engage with him more unless he comes to me and I also feel angry he would even suggest that in the first place. But… I then go round in circles thinking it’s my fault he doesn’t see DC and I am obliged to try and discuss it with him?
2. I don’t know how I will meet anyone new. I can’t imagine it at all. It breaks my heart. The weeks and months pass and I am so lonely. I do date but it’s a shit show out there. I hate that all this happened in this way.

I don’t know how to deal with these things at all.

Awww bless you.

You want my take???

Leave both issues completely alone.

It is not nice that the father isn't involved, nor what he said. But you cannot change him. So give it up....for now. My money says he'll show up when he is ready.

And as for meeting men, that too, you cannot hurry. So stop thinking about it and start living your life, at the stage it is at, fully and with the knowledge that life changes and new things happen. They to live this stage fully and be happy and wait for change.

I forgot to mention under point 2….

When the relationship ended I moved to a village to be near family.

is this the reason I’m alone?! Have I made things impossible for myself?

@Fhsp, Do you have a job and a home? Are you managing financially?

If so your life is successful. Many women meet men who are non existent or poor fathers, others have similar circumstances to you and are more fortunate than the man steps up. I really think sometimes it can be down to luck.

It grates that your ex gets to move on and is doing well financially but he can't be a decent man. He really can't be and anyone else he meets he is likely to treat similarly. Don't accept any responsibility for him walking away, it's 100% on him.

Being a single mum with a 2 year old is lonely as it's hard work but it won't be forever. Can you reach out to a single parents network?

Don't focus on dating, build a network of friends abd try to get into a hobby you enjoy. It's likely you will meet someone through this more than online.

What the pp says is absolutely right. I hope you're claiming maintenance for your DC?

@Fireflygal yeah I do but I just never wanted a set up like this. Ex had a mild drinking problem and work found alcohol on him one day and basically he had a meltdown during pregnancy as they nearly let him go. He was distraught. I wasn’t sympathetic and actually lost my shit at him. He resents me for that I think. He’s not in a relationship now (I genuinely wouldn’t care if he was) but the whole thing cuts me up that he wouldn’t see DC. I carry this burden around. He’s 2 now, why would he have wanted to miss that. It’s so sad, he has no other DC and was excited about it when I was first pregnant.

I moved to a village when everything fell apart to be closer to family. I feel like maybe that’s why j haven’t met anyone. I don’t know. I’m so sad. There is a walking group I could join. I also feel anxious telling a new man the reasons my ex has never met DC…. Oh hi, by the way my ex has never bothered with DC and despite using condoms thinks I tricked him into it.’ Makes me seem like I’m awful. And I wouldn’t want to lie to anyone as to why ex isn’t around.

The fact that he won't see his child is very bad.

He's my take on the positive in your situation - as someone who doesn't have a child, I'd say you're going to have something in common with most men your age who are also going to have children at this point. I'm also in my 30s, live rurally, and honestly, every single event seems to be only catered to people with children under 10. It would just be strange if I turned up alone with no child. I feel like a huge avenue of regular socialising opportunity is cut off from me. Either that, or a lot of events are right in the middle of the week, in the middle of the day. Totally impractible for most working people, unless you book leave just to go for an hour or two, so those type of things are aimed towards retirees.

Also, btw, can relate to your second point. I can't afford to live anywhere really populous though because it's generally more expensive to live in cities or towns around here.

I hear you! You didn't plan/want or invisage this life so there is some grieving to get through.

It is early days because your focus has been on your child. It will get better. In some ways not having him around will be easier to move on as many ex's are controlling or difficult. You get to have all the birthdays and Christmas. You choose what school your son goes to and you won't be stopped going on holidays. If you meet another man, and he is deserving he can be a full time figure in your sons life.

If you meet someone, you don't owe them a full explanation on your last relationship until it feels serious and YOU trust them. A simple, "their Dad chooses not to be involved" should suffice in the early days.

Your ex doesn't sound great if he had alcohol at work. I suspect your reaction was not the reason, just an excuse for him to choose to walk away. Many men would not walk from their pregnant partner in that situation.

Hope your child has your surname!

@EarthSight whereabouts are you? This is my concern really that I’ve cut my chances by being so rural. I feel so down about everything.

I'm in the U.K in a beautiful, quite touristy, but rural area. Surrounded by maninly elderly people and families. Don't really want to get more specific than that in terms of location.

@Fhsp

I'm so sorry you feel like this it sounds awful however you must focus on yourself and your child and not give a second thought to your ex

Try to make some nice plans and make some friends and build a life away from this

It's sad he doesn't want to see his child but if it's only going to cause upset maybe it's for the best.

Have a look at gingerbreads website- it's linked an article about exercise for some reason rather than the main site but lots of useful information on there x

www.gingerbread.org.uk/community/stories/how-exercise-can-reduce-anxiety-and-depression/

Op have you posted about this multiple times before?

Write the ex off. It's not your job to make him see what he is missing out on.

Secondly, focus on your DD (I know you are). It will happen if it's meant to.

Can you make some friends locally ? If you haven't already that is.

Focus on the things you can control, like widening your social circle and doing well in your working life.

You've only been on your own for a couple of years - you have a toddler - it would be more worrying if you had got with someone in that time, really. I mean, haven't you been super-busy with looking after a baby and getting your life together?!

Work on being happy in the now.

Yes. Same thing over and over .

OP you're letting this consume your life . You need to forget about him, get some counselling and concentrate on doing the best by you and your DC.

But… I then go round in circles thinking it’s my fault he doesn’t see DC and I am obliged to try and discuss it with him

What would he have to do to stop you seeing DC? If he behaved poorly, would you choose not to see DC? Would he have to come and discuss it with you, to talk you into seeing DC?

Don't take credit for him not seeing his child. It's all his own doing, and any decent parent would struggle through hell and high water to maintain contact with their child. Your child doesn't need a parent who is so reluctant to see them that they need talking into it.

@Watchkeys it’s all come up again for me because I’ve heard from his friend he’s been saying I tricked him into it… we used condoms. It feels so unjust. But if he genuinely thinks that should I be rushing to correct him? For the sake of DC. I feel like if he genuinely believes that then maybe he feels he’s justified in not seeing them? I always guilt trip myself in all areas of my life so this would always be how I would feel about something like this.

I always guilt trip myself in all areas of my life so this would always be how I would feel about something like this

This is what you need to reconcile. Not your ex's lack of contact with his child.

If the boot was on the other foot... If you genuinely believed that he'd tricked you into getting pregnant by tampering with the condom, would you not be seeing DC as a result? Would you think him coming to you and saying 'this wasn't a trick' would change your decision about whether you wanted to see your child?

Hi @Fhsp , where you live has a huge impact on your social well-being. Being closer to the family is good but in your case, this village does not suit your spirit! Trust your instincts! I would recommend that you plan some days out to places that seem interesting to you (cities or towns), and pay close attention to how you feel whilst you are there. Obviously, look at the closeness to work, family, and the general infrastructure. Speak to the person serving you in the restaurant or coffee, do they like living there? I drew up a list of the places where I felt happiest and identified what it was I liked about living there. This helped me hugely to plan this last move, and I feel so happy now I have moved. Good luck.

Honestly you need to change your mindset.
Your ex is a dick - but that is absolutely no reflection on you.
You are bringing up your child alone - but that means you don't have to compromise and can focus on your child.
You are single - but that is so much better than being in a shit relationship.
If you are having trouble changing your perspective, I round seriously recommend a short spell of counselling. It helped me enormously when I was left in the lurch by my dick-ish ex.