Help - Lack of Friendships

[Goringa]

I’m late 30s, husband and 2 kids and I’ve been reflecting in the last few days on my complete lack of friends. For the most part, I’m not desperately unhappy, but it would be nice both for me as an individual and for our family to do a little more socialising. I feel quite embarrassed by the whole situation.

I have acquaintances who if I happen to chat with for a bit, get on great with. Historically, if I bumped into them, we might have gone for coffee, but it’s just I never seem to get invited to socialise when it’s actually planned. I have a few people I used to regular WhatsApp with and occasionally meet up with one on one who
we always have a great time and have confided in me about some very personal stuff, so I’m obviously somewhat fun and trustworthy. Post lockdown, it’s got even worse and my casual face to face and WhatsApp chats have all fizzled out.

It’s a pattern I’ve reflected on in my life that I just always seem on the periphery. I’m not a big social media person, but occasionally go on and while it’s not something I noticed before, now I’m looking back, numerous groups of people I know (as in separate groups, not any one single clique) will socialise in various combinations but I’m never invited.

Having recognised myself as the common denominator, the possible reasons I can think of.
1 - my natural introversion means I don’t put myself forward (not the only reason, but certainly a contributing factor, and the one I have the most control over to change)
2 - I am in some way objectionable to be around. I’ve taken a very long, hard look at myself and I honestly don’t think it’s true.
3 - I’m just somewhat forgetful and so people don’t think of me. I actually don’t think it’s all that true. While I’m naturally quite introverted, once I get going, I make people laugh etc.
4 - there are some repeat elements of just bad luck that all contribute (living in a quieter end of town to most of the people we know, drifted apart from our group of mummy friends after we lost a baby late on around the time they all had their seconds, and in al honesty, we probably weren’t a lot of fun to be around for a while during multiple losses, families with kids all the same age naturally gravitate to each other etc)

So back to me reaching out is the only thing I can control. I feel like I have no idea how to instigate socialising with people. I could just do with being on the receiving end of an invite so I know how to do it. I’ve got to try and reestablish some chit chat somehow so it’s not out of the blue, but is it just “we’re off to x,y,z next weekend, would you like to join us?” How does that kind of thing come about?

Thanks for reading my lengthy post!

Just wanted to reply as I completely identify with this - I've got to 50 and still in the same boat.
Colleagues at work think I'm an out going life sorted sort of person and I'm not unhappy as such but have zero close friends.
My kids are all grown so I'm feeling it a bit more - in fact my dh is very similar and we have said we need to do something about it.
I've joined meet up and search for groups in my area - there's loads - I haven't had the courage to actually get to any yet but there's groups on there that were set up for people in this situation.
Another option is 'wild wanderers"' on fb if your a bit outdoorsy as they do events all over that seem fun
I just need to take my own advice now.....

Hi both I read your posts and I also totally understand as I can be like this too. My only advice is why not set something up yourself and invite people? How about kids parties - do you or have you had parties for them in the past and how did it go interns of meeting the parents?

At 50 I'd have said the same - add 10 years on as the kids have grown up and I've a vast network of friends all wanting to go for coffee/lunch/pop round/me go to theirs, I'm on a couple of committees and have joined U3A etc. So much so my diary outside of work is packed for weeks!

I’m in a similar situation too and I find it both sad and a bit embarrassing. I have quite a few ‘acquaintance friends’ that I’ve met through DC but that’s it- no one is interested in coffee, cinema, shopping, days out etc except one of them. We moved away when we had DC so it’s hard to see old friends anymore.

I volunteer in three places but no friends made there either, despite volunteering being touted as a great place to meet new friends. DC are at school so no toddler groups anymore and places like the WI have an age cap of 45 where we live. There are some groups advertised for ‘professional women’ locally to network but I don’t fall into that category either. I did volunteer for a year with the school PTA but I left after finding several of them deliberately excluding me or rubbishing my ideas. Seems I just don’t fit in anywhere!

I'm 29 and can't say I have any real friends.

I was 'popular' at primary school, but went to an all girls secondary school where my confidence was shattered which has impacted on me making friends subsequently.

I had a friends at uni, but ended up falling out with a couple of them and drifted apart.

I mostly spend time with my husband and my family who I'm super close to. My parents have never had lots of friends and neither does my husband.

I'd say I don't feel lonely at all, my husband and my mum are my best friends really. I do think it'd be nice to have a good friend or too at times though, so I totally get it.

It's funny because on paper I feel I sound like a bit of a sad case and I must have something wrong with me. But I have a very sociable job, get on well with work colleagues...sometimes I feel like I can't be bothered to have friends as I'm quite happy with how things are as I'd probably choose to spend my spare time with my husband and family anyway!

I joined a younger WI group, I am 42. I didn't do it because I needed more friends, but because one of my friends is in it (she's 37) and thought I'd be interested in the talks. Kick you out at 45, is that what you're saying, or is that the minimum age level??

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron it was the maximum age limit. I’ve just tried to find the age info for my area and I can’t find it now!

I feel the same.
I can't always be bothered though. Sometimes it's easier just to spend time with my husband and child than trying to organise dates with friends.
I am trying though.

Exactly the same, minus having children, so not even Mum friends.

Lockdown really brought it home to me that I have nobody who desperately wanted to see me or catch up with me. I have lots of acquaintances but not one person who messaged during lockdown to ask if I was ok. I messaged a few people and got polite messages back but that was it. 27 years with husband and we don’t have any couple friends. I’m desperately, desperately lonely.

I'm the same but I don't even have a husband! Have tried all sorts over the years, clubs, meet-ups, volunteering. I do have a few friends who I see now and again but nobody who's close or regular. I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me- which gets me down and definitely doesn't help- but generally people seem to like me as far as I can tell. Don't know the answer.

Sorry for your loss of your baby OP

There is an app called 'nell connect', which designed for women to find and form friendships after they are married/had a family/left uni,
Maybe worth checking out? :)

Thanks for the replies everyone. It’s so helpful to know it’s not just me.

If you make other people feel disposable, no wonder you are struggling to make friends!

I also identify with the OP a lot. I live in a more sparsely populated area, there's no Meet Up groups (there were before COVID but all gone now) and I haven't got children so no mummy mates or baby groups for me. I am fed up of being told to join the WI - I have looked but they run it on a Tues morning when I'm at work! I'm looking to move house tbh, see if that helps.

I'm 43, I feel exactly the same. I had two close friends who have moved on and have different social circles that I'm not a part of. I tend to find I might get an invite to a big party (where everyone is invited) but not to a night out. I have a few mum friends but they are not big on socialising. I miss having close friends and I miss having the odd let your hair down night out.

Its hard op. I joined new things but no big friendships out of it. I met a school mam yesterday. I found with some women they had their group and didnt want new people in it. Its alot harder I find.

Ive got myself in to a situation and need some advice.
I used to have some really good friends, there were 4 of us and we were so close.
2 of us were very stupid and despite having been with men all our lives ended up in a relationship. It was something new and exciting but quickly turned very toxic when she turned very jealous and neurotic, being really unreasonable and making my life an absolute nightmare. It caused huge issues with our other friends and I wanted out but felt trapped and like I wanted to help her to overcome her issues. I struggled to walk away as she said she needed me.
It put an enormous pressure on me along with other things that I had going on in my life. Our other friends had said they wanted a break from the drama but I felt betrayed and in anger I sent an unpleasant text message to them telling them what I thought and then blocked them.
I quickly realised that was wrong and apologised. This relationship brought out the worst in me and I think I was losing it.
We didn’t see each other for a long time but then met up a few times and had some good nights out. The relationship I was in has long finished as I found the strength to walk away and realised that I’m definitely not gay, although I do appreciate things more now.
I acknowledge that two of us starting a relationship broke the bond that the 4 of us had, it broke the dynamic and I regret it so much. It could have been something amazing had the other friend not gone so crazy and jealous, I never did anything inappropriate either, making small talk with the bar staff whilst getting a drink caused no end of problems.
My issue is that despite apologising so many times, my friends accepting the apology and saying it’s ok and we moved on they have stopped returning my calls or replying to my messages. It’s been months now.
They have effectively just dropped me, no explanation, no warning, nothing. I’ve been friends with these girls for over 12 years and our kids have grown up together.
My daughter has had something horrific to deal with recently involving the police and they know about it yet not one message to her or me about it.

Im hurting so bad about this. I acknowledge that I did wrong in sending the text message but we dealt with it and moved on. To just drop me and blank me without a word of explanation is soul destroying. One of them has a big birthday soon and I so badly want to get her a nice present and celebrate with her but I know she doesn’t want to know so I’ll respect that but I just don’t get how it’s ok to just blank someone like that after so many years of being so close. We are all in our 40’s!!

I know I did wrong but do I deserve this?

This app doesn’t exist!