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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Nasty remarks during an arguement

4 replies

Coulddowontdo · 14/08/2022 08:48

My DH has form for saying really nasty things during arguments. We were arguing recently about my being unhappy with him turning a blind eye to teenagers leaving mess etc. I was asking him to step up and ask them to clear up as it shouldn't always be me.

He took this as a massive criticism, so a discussion turned to an argument. He said it makes him feel sick when I say I love him .

His rationale is because I asked something of him, that he's not doing them I can't love him, so saying it makes him feel sick.

He's now "sorry" after he's calmed down.

I've not said I love him since, around 3 weeks , I feel foolish to do this. if it's going to be thrown in my face.

This is a long line of very hurtful things he's said.

He's previously had counselling, where he was told he "verbally beats me up", was told how to deal with it, but over time had reverted back.

Should I move on and tell him I love him? I do love him, but I'm struggling with even the thought of saying it.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/08/2022 08:50

I don't know how you can love someone who speaks to you in that way. It kills love so eventually you just won't love him anymore. Speaking from experience.

JulesCobb · 14/08/2022 08:54

He is using nasty emotionally aggressive tactics to ensure you dont expect him to parent? And this is such an on-going issue he has had counselling for it? No i would not tell him I loved him. Id be saying he makes me feel sick and to fuck off. Then if have the counselling myself to look at why I had accepted that for so long.

TimmyMeatballs · 14/08/2022 08:54

He needs to go back to counselling and sort this out. Or you need to leave him. It’s unacceptable for him to behave this way, emotionally abusive and mean.

I don’t think the dilemma you present is the important one here. The real question is, how long do you tolerate this before you leave him?

Sicario · 14/08/2022 08:55

The old adage about "sticks and stones" is rubbish. Words are powerful things. When we are told horrible things, when horrible words are used against us, we cannot unhear those things.

So many people do not recognise this.

I have ended relationships because of words. I have given warnings such as "if you ever speak to me like that again it will be the last time". I am also very careful about the words I use with other people.

If you DH is incapable of communicating like a reasonable adult, I would suggest you are on a hiding to nothing.

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