Suspected ASD husband and trying to navigate family life

[Bakedbeani]

My husband has not been diagnosed, however I have suspected he has ASD and ADHD for the last 8 years. We went to 2 totally separate relationship counsellors and both suggested (without me saying anything at all) that DH possibly has ASD and that it might be something to explore to help navigate our relationship.

He is in total denial and refuses to explore this. He was insulted by their suggestion and vowed never to return to relationship counselling. He seems to think that being autistic makes him defective in some way.

So I'm basically having to work out how we navigate through this. The biggest problem that we have is trying to work together as a team towards an end goal. So we will decide something- for example, we will meet back at home at 3.30pm and he 'forgets' and does his own thing regardless and so spoils our plans. Many times, the timings, the plans are his idea, but he still loses track, forgets or mismanages his time.

He also always seems to have his own private agenda which never gets communicated despite him agreeing or even coming up with the thing we've agreed on. He'll do things like suggesting he'll cook dinner,but disappearing to the garage at dinner time instead not communicating this and we assume he's making dinner and he isn't.

It's at a point where I am becoming mentally run down and distressed living like this. How can we work together to bring up to young children and be a family when he basically just operates with a solo, private purpose which I never know anything about? I am trying to keep this marriage together but I don't think I can take much more. He's done this 3 times this week as we're off work together.

-He stood me up when he suggested a time to meet at the house, I'd made plans to take the children out and he never returned with them and I couldn't reach him on the phone. Not only this, but he called me half an hour later asking me to collect him and the children after taking them on a walk too far for them to be able to walk back.

-He went off to the garage instead of making dinner after he said he would go and make it.

-He decided he was going to spend a whole day doing his hobby the day before we were going on holiday when we needed to pack and he had agreed that there was lots to be done. I then couldn't pack for holiday as I was caring for 2 young children whilst he spent the day at a track in his race car. He didn't communicate his plans until the night before and only did so because I communicated to him that it might be a good idea for him to take the kids out for a couple of hours.

Stuff like this happens all the time.
I'm tired and I don't know how I can continue navigating our lives like this?

He sounds like he is opting out. Not autistic.

Also. Relationship counsellors are not qualified to suggest he is autistic. That is a big step over a long line.

What mattressspring wrote in its entirety.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you still within this?. Do not stay with such a man here for the supposed sake of the children.

You cannot keep this relationship going on your own. He has other priorities in his life i.e his own self, his track race car and what he wants to do when he wants to do it. None of this includes you or his children. You have a choice re this man and your children do not. I would seriously now consider divorce.

I have thought the same @mattressspring that this is more arsehole behaviour than anything at all to do with autism.

The counsellors both said that there was a disconnection and very professionally suggested that he explore the possibility when it became very apparent that he could not empathise.

The counsellors both said that there was a disconnection and very professionally suggested that he explore the possibility when it became very apparent that he could not empathise.

Fuck me. It just gets worse.

There is nothing professional about unqualified people suggesting, in their professional capacity, that a person is autistic based on something so incorrect as a judgement about empathy.

These clowns should give you your money back.

Yep that's quite outdated thinking - that autistic people aren't empathetic.

He sounds inconsiderate.
Whether he is autistic or not is moot if he doesn't want to explore it.

If he doesn't want counselling and doesn't seem driven to change, you either accept he is inconsiderate and do your own thing, or you leave, really.
Someone being unkind isn't something you can get life hacks for.

Well there was more to it than just empathy (but I don't want to go off on a tangent) and it was after a fair few sessions so I have to disagree with you.

Well of course you will, it's either that or you acknowledge your partner isn't at all interested in being involved in family life.

You carry on and use the 'suspected autism' excuse for 'cunt' if you want, it won't improve your relationship any.

I agree that he's a bit of a cunt also.

Well, it sounds like he is adamant that he is not autistic and will never look for assessment of it anyway. I won't profess to know a lot about autism, I have worked with people who are autistic (in the past) and I have relatives who are autistic, but the information is changing/increasing all the time, also... Well every autistic person I have ever known is different, and the autism was a part of who they are but it wasn't everything. It wasn't even close to everything... I'm not explaining this well but your husband is either someone who will listen to you, and take your feelings into consideration or he isn't. This is part of his personality, its not necessary to diagnose where it might be coming from, especially when he has no interest in doing so. You have to either to learn to live alongside each other or decide if it is too much for you to handle. It sounds hard though.

I agree that he's a bit of a cunt also.

That information is there for you to do what you wish. Personally setting yourself free would be my choice. Who wants to live like that, and why?

Op, another person saying think about leaving. It won't get better. Speaking from first hand experience. Him not wanting to be assessed was also part of the problem. Dm me if you like. Good luck whatever you decide🤞

Being autistic does not mean you don't have empathy.

Honestly, he just sounds like a self-centred arse.

He’s selfish and thoughtless - whether he has autism or not is irrelevant

You can’t carry on doing all the relationship work for both of you

My ex-H was like this. It was hell. I set myself free (easier said than done) and felt like I could breathe again. My current DP is able to plan, initiate, communicate, and care. Life is good.

I keep second guessing myself @DrR78. He doesn't raise his voice at me, doesn't tell me I can't do things, he cooks, cleans, takes are of the children, but the man just won't communicate with me at all. On anything clearly. I feel like I'm going mad but then I ask myself why.

He might have autism, he might not have autism. But one thing is certain, he's a selfish arse. My autistic DH would never do the things you describe because he's not a selfish arse.

My DH thinks his adhd doesn't matter and won't do anything about it. He is thoughtless, forgetful and unreliable. As a result we have a parent child dynamic in our relationship which is awful, unsupported and lonely. We haven't split up yet but I'm not sure how long I can continue in this type of relationship. Check out the adhd affects on marriage and you'll be surprised what it highlights.

Hi @Bakedbeani Just seen your post from last year. Has anything improved since then?

I left him 6 months ago @LoveFoolMe . It's still quite difficult as the split has been complex and we're still in each others space a few times a week. We get on very well now and he seems to be able to plan and communicate better which makes me sad reading back over this thread that he couldn't do it before it got to this point.

This just sounds like he's selfish and has checked out of the relationship OP. Avoiding family life, or a case of "weaponised incompetence".

Autistic people have been shown to have more empathy on average than NT people. Yes they can struggle with executive functioning, but most have developed coping mechanisms to manage this so you'd never know. Does he "forget" to show up for work, or what he's meant to be doing when he's there? If not, then this is clearly a choice he is making not to bother with his responsibilities at home. Presumably he also does not refuse to communicate with colleagues, or double book work meetings, etc?

The potential autism is a red herring. An autistic person isn't any more likely to be incapable of being a great partner or parent than an NT person. Your issue is that he is selfish and not interested in the relationship or parenting, regardless of his neurotype.

You did exactly the right thing to leave him. I hope once it all settles down you'll feel happier.

I mean, your update just shows that he was always capable of communicating and planning etc, he just couldn't be bothered. And if you hadn't left him, he still wouldn't be bothering.

Well done for moving on.

We get on very well now and he seems to be able to plan and communicate better which makes me sad reading back over this thread that he couldn't do it before it got to this point.

That must be very sad making, but I suspect that it proves the point that it was his choice all along. I think this is still relevant :

Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time"

Look after yourself @Bakedbeani

@Bakedbeani Thanks for replying. I'm glad you're getting on better after the split even if you feel sad about the past 🙁. Best of luck for the future.