Totally hacked off with my mum and her attitude

[Richielogic]

I’m accepting that a role reversal is in transition, once a businesswoman and fully switched on in her prime, now its me the son at 54 that has to start thinking for her.

Minor pathetic things become a priority or a major issue. If she come’s away on holiday, I have to consider every eventuality. If there was a pothole on a path, I swear to God she would fall in it. She is becoming the child. So much so its hard work and I can’t be doing with it. It’s exhausting. I am losing all desire to want to include her in anything.

My dad is starting to become “carer”. My mum has a Mobility issue following a broken leg, but she loves the attention. She has little desire to do physio, happy for someone to push her in a wheelchair, more controlling that way. Jeeze, he didn’t sign up for this. He is 75 my mum is 74. She can be rude and say something inappropriate, yet he will never pull her on it. No, rather live a hen-pecked life existence with her. I am at my wits end with it all.

My relationship with my dad is stronger than ever but I would rather just see him on my own, go fishing with him but her jealousy spoils it and she will try and phone him and guilt trip him for him not being at home to look after her.

Tonight, on a family meal out, she makes some rude comment about my daughter, her granddaughter, being “an embarrassment to her”. She is 18 and already self conscious and bursts into tears. I tore a strip into my mum, I was just not having it. I told her clearly; she was bang out of order and no need for it. Her initial reaction was, what have I said, I haven’t said anything. My dad was oblivious, deaf in one ear.

Fortunately, my wife and a couple of others heard it, and I relayed clearly what she said. Her apology to my daughter was pathetic, no sincerity, like a toddler not really sorry, “I’m sorry if….” And then trying to deflect attention to something else, she was hot in the restaurant, wanted a fan on her, just attention seeking.

On reflection, I genuinely think she didn’t realise how bloody rude she was being, didn’t know what she was saying and was trying to make some kind of inappropriate joke with a waitress BUT I’m just sick of it. I’m not making excuses for her; I called it out because the alternative was to say nothing and so the cycle continues.

I don’t know what the answer is, I really don’t, I don’t think anyone can hep me either. I would value comments from anyone with similar experience or ideas on any point how to better handle this.

As it stands, I don’t think my daughter will want anything to do with her at this rate and frankly I will soon be on the same page. Meanwhile even my son said to quote “I’m finding it hard to defend what grandma says these days” and he has always tried to put a good word in for her despite her attitude.

I’m just totally hacked off with her and wish it was different, it just doesn’t have to be like this.

It doesn’t have to be like this. You can’t control either of your parents but you can control how you interact with them.

Tell your father how you feel. Explain that you are pulling back from your mum because of her behaviour but that you want to maintain a relationship with him. And then do exactly that.

Your situation sounds stressful. And it is enabled by your dad. So be firm - get out of the drama.

eek, sounds tough. I have learned to accept that parents can be difficult and choose to have the interactions you are comfortable with. If that means minimising the time spent with that parent then do it. It will make the interactions you do have more positive. Don’t agree to any scenario that is going to give them grounds to behave badly. This way, you don’t have to dramatically cut ties. Just manage social scenarios that work for you and your little family. Grandparents can choose to fit in or not come.

She has your dad to look after her. You don't need to

You indeed cannot change them but you can change how you react to them. I would think this is merely a continuation of what they have always been like too.

re your comment:

"My dad is starting to become “carer”. My mum has a Mobility issue following a broken leg, but she loves the attention. She has little desire to do physio, happy for someone to push her in a wheelchair, more controlling that way. Jeeze, he didn’t sign up for this. He is 75 my mum is 74. She can be rude and say something inappropriate, yet he will never pull her on it. No, rather live a hen-pecked life existence with her."

Your dad enables his wife's excesses of behaviour. It suits him to do this and he is a weak bystander of a man. Women like your mother too always but always need a willing enabler to help them; this is your dad. He has a choice even now; he after all is an adult with agency and he has chosen his wife. By deed he is telling you to not criticise his choice of wife. He also gets what he wants out of the relationship he has with her so he is happy as he is. He would rather indeed live a hen pecked existence with her (and he still won't pull her up on her behaviours; he didn't at this family meal either). Drop the rope these people hold out to you here.

Look at your boundaries here re your parents and decide what is and is not acceptable. You need to put more distance, both mental and physical, between your family and them. If they cannot behave decently in polite company then do not see them for family meals. Your mother knew full well what she was saying too; her apology to your DD was indeed anything but. She gave a non apology along the lines of "well I am sorry you feel that way". Protect your own family here from influences like this before your children decide of their own accord to do so. You would not tolerate such comments from a friend would you?.

Have you tried being upfront with her? Not after a moment of frustration but calmly and kindly? Tell her you’ve noticed she is taking the lions share of attention and that you’d appreciate it if she started giving as much care and attention to everyone else as they’re giving to her.

She’s likely to be upset by it but she’s going to be if you all pull away from her anyway and at least this way she’ll have a chance to understand.

You can tell your dad too, but don’t tell only him and not her. It’s not his responsibility to pass on messages (or not pass them and live with the upset).

Yes, distance, distance, distance.

Resist becoming her carer. If she is putting pressure on you, you can just suggest she rings Help The Aged, her GP or ask for a Social Worker.

Don't go for family meals, holidays, celebrations, outings. Maybe a short outing if you have to but keep it brief with a reason for early exit?

Don't spend more than the shortest amount of time with them, only short visits??

Take your dad out to the pub and tell him you'd like to see him maybe separately? You might get some insight as to why he can't see you separately eg. to go fishing. But, in the end, if he can't overrule her authority to do that, there is nothing you can do.

Unfortunately I don't believe you can win or come to a compromise with people like your mother. They are always right in their eyes. Explanations and discussions don't work either, for that reason. All you can do is distance yourself. Increase it over time if you want to. Keep your boundaries. Sorry this is hard for you, but lots of us have this kind of rubbish in our lives. It really is very trying at best (and at its worst, for some of us very distressing).

This.

Well done for supporting your daughter.

As this is an ongoing issue, place no pressure on either of your children to be in her company.

Be clear why, a consequence of her behaviour.

As mentioned above, distance and have a relationship with your Dad.

You sound like a good man.

Perhaps distance will get her to cop on, if not, then that is on her.

Just want to thank everyone that has taken the time out to respond here. I am going to distance and see if she improves attitude although I kind of doubt it.

I totally agree that my dad enables her bad attitude and distance, distance is what I will try.

It’s a couple of days on and I still feel hacked off by her. I have spoken on the phone today and she said, “I’m sorry I upset her, she doesn’t like me does she”, its like she wants some sort of reassurance from me, I said Well you’re not doing anything to endear yourself to her are you? Then its "I've not been feeling too well today, blah blah blah" - Distraction to try and feel sorry for her?

I still feel all this could be avoided, its totally unnecessary and pathetic. Its like dealing with someone that lives in a “world of me” just attention seeking, she hasn’t called my DD to apologise. I spelled it out again I said even my DS has said he “finds it hard to defend Grandma’s behaviour when she is like this to his sister” I have told her this and reconfirmed that she needs to work on it.
I said I will call next week.

Historically, where she has hacked me off because she has said something inappropriate about me, perhaps jealousy driven or nasty before in truth I have later guilt tripped, made excuses, thought she is old, doesn’t know what she is saying etc, I should be more empathetic etc – this time its different, its like she has attacked my DD for no reason and I want to knock her head off, its really pushed my buttons this time. Its like attack my children and your dead to me. I know that’s a nasty thing to say, some might consider OTT and am I already feel guilty but its how I’m still feeling.

I don’t think its going to be easy to recover from this now, the straw has broken the camels back and yet I am possibly the most placid easy-going guy you are could ever meet.

Thanks again

Could she have dementia? As lack of inhibition and change in personality are common indicators.

Sounds like early stage dementia is a possibility. Disinhibition and lack of self awareness. Will be some anxiety also if this is the case

Much empathy… Continue refusing to buy into the drama. Think of it like puppy training. You reward good behaviour and respond immediately to the bad. If she calls, keep it light and sweet. The moment she starts harping, “Gotta go now. Bye mum.” and make sure you hang up. If she is rude, tell her and stop the conversation. As for doing all the planning, etc, let her know that you don’t have time to do all of her thinking for her. Ask how she ever managed as a professional. Let her know you are her son, not her carer. I have found that people like your mum hate to be reminded that they are approaching a time when a carer will be necessary.

*Also make it clear that this job will be left to professionals, not you.
it really sounds like a combination of thinking out loud and using you as a sounding board, as well as attention-seeking.

@TheUsualChaos @user1471082124

I had not considered early stage dementia, it felt too soon too quick, she's aged 74 not that dementia has age requirements. I am going to monitor that, i'm currently in the denial stage, she still has a level of compos mentis, paying bills, talking to bank, sorting insurance albeit less active and a story around each minor event but you could both be onto something.

@Fraaahnces
Funny you should say that, i have done it three times in the last couple of months, she's talking at me on the phone, not listening got onto harping and i've gone, got to go. I have felt guilty about that but i need to do it more.
Yes, you are so right regarding hates thinking she needs a career. I insisted she gets a cleaner one day a week to help, at first she wasn't having any of it, i can manage it all but in truth she makes my dad do it. I have said my dad is becoming career and she doesn't accept that but he is.
She has him on the go 24/7, he was taken in hospital on heart issues and at the time said "I think i have pushed him over the edge, its my fault" i asked her to back off and stop getting him do stuff all the time, hence the cleaner but first day out of hospital and she's like "Oh DH make me a drink will you" but as pointed out by others here, he does facilitate her actions.

This has given me something to consider - thanks

My first thought was early stage dementia as you said she was a competent women until recently. My mil had this and inappropriate talk with very little awareness can be the first sign. Also if she is suffering with this she could get anxious on her own as maybe temporarily forget where your dad is and have a moment of panic. She can still be quite competent in other areas. Maybe discussing this with your dc will help them understand and explain things to your dd.

Please speak to your Dad about dementia(I helped look after my Father when he had dementia and I looked after my ex MIL when she had early onset Alzheimer's and I used to help a neighbor of my parents who had dementia)dementia like in my Father's can come on very suddenly and sadly someone's age isn't always an indication of wether Dementia or Alzheimer's could be the problem,my MIL was only 64 when she was diagnosed.

Another thing many people are not aware of is the fact that a nasty kidney Infection left untreated in someone older can cause serious mental health problems and come across as dementia,an neighbor of ours was taken into hospital and she was showing signs of dementia(it all happened very quickly)but whilst in hospital they discovered she had a raging kidney Infection and after several days in hospital and some strong antibiotics she was able to come home and was pretty much back to usual self.

Good Luck if it is dementia of any kind it is hard work but there are alot more resources around now for the person with the dementia/Alzheimer's and for they're families.

She doesn't sound very well, maybe early stages of something neurological.
Has she been tested of a uti?

The first noticeable clue of my MIL’s early dementia was the lack of an internal edit button in what she said. Two years on she still has areas of ability and capacity in those areas and other things she needs some help. It is worth suggesting this is checked out by her GP if its more recent changes you have started to notice.

I recommend the book The Reluctant Carer - it’s by a man who moved home to care for his parents. It’s funny, heartwarming and helps you to remember you are not alone in feeling the way you do. It helped me when I was caring for a parent.

Please make sure she is drinking plenty of fluid, especially in the hot weather we have been having. Dehydration can lead to water infection which can increase confusion, memory loss, hallucination etc, personality changes etc. I know someone who's parent had this and the was convinced their daughter was a prostitute, had been having sex on the neigh ouring streets and was bringing shame to the family. She wasn't, she worked in an office. The poor woman was mortified and devastated and parent was brutal in the things she said.
Got to say, to the naive soul that said leave her to help the aged and a social services, I'm sorry but if they'd had dealings with either the above in the last few years, they'd not be saying that. Help the aged I'm sure do great work but are definitely not one of my first points of call (having worked for a local dementia charity for a number of years) and social services are massive over stretched and care is inconsistent.

It may be worth a conversation with the family to collectively ignore anything contraversial she says and that it's not meant. You know your mum loves you and your family so much. You all will be one of the most important things to her and just try and keep that to mind when she's being tricky. She won't be here in the coming years, try and make the most of the time left, although I know it may take the patience of a saint. Get support. A lot of memory conditions are undiagnosed for years

I've read your posts @Richielogic and when I got to this post I felt I had to reply:

"It’s a couple of days on and I still feel hacked off by her. I have spoken on the phone today and she said, “I’m sorry I upset her, she doesn’t like me does she”, its like she wants some sort of reassurance from me, I said Well you’re not doing anything to endear yourself to her are you? Then its "I've not been feeling too well today, blah blah blah" - Distraction to try and feel sorry for her?"

The response to that is "Well, mum, in this situation it really isn't about you. You were really rude to DD, your granddaughter and that is not acceptable. Your apology was wishywashy at best. You wouldn't have allowed me or X (name a sibling if you have one) to be that rude when we were growing up so why on earth do you think it's acceptable coming from you?"

As for the bit where she tries to change topic of conversation around to her and her health, you just need to say "You need to discuss how you're feeling with your GP mum. I'm not your GP. I'm sorry you don't feel well but you're trying to change the conversation away from how you behaved and how you spoke to DD. I really think we need to get that sorted before we talk about anything else"

If she changes the topic, and you're not happy to have the conversation topic changed, you change it back to what you were discussing.

I also think that she might be going through the early stages of dementia, perhaps vascular dementia and should be checked for it:
www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/vascular-dementia if for no other reason but to eliminate it as a possible cause for this behaviour.