Night out and DH picks a fight again

[1982mommaof4]

Been out tonight for the first time in so long... in at a very reasonable time. DH will usually comment on the fact I only make an effort to look nice when going out with the girls. (Not true, when we go out I make the same effort) granted I look homeless most days at home but hey! We had company tonight when I left so he didn't make his usual sarcastic comments. I've come home early and he's picked a fight over nothing.

Not sure why I'm posting just feeling deflated and sad

Thank you

His behaviour is a form of control. Despite you not going out often, he gives you a hard time when you do. Going out then becomes more hassle than it's worth, so you go out even less. The drip, drip of him treating you as he does will erode any positive feelings you have for him. You need a sit down discussion where you say your piece, and soon.

If you have a discussion only take on board what he says if it is reasonable. Sounds like he is controlling so can’t see him being reasonable

I will try and speak with him, the comment responding to my cup of tea has made me sob. My husbands puts providing and money as the most important thing, and I've realised I don't just simple actions like making me a cuppa are what I need. I sound pathetic but I have never been this upset in 18 years with him. Over an argument after a night out and a random cup of tea

What I'm trying to say, is we have been through much worse and I have never had this many tears

You cannot live your life like this- I've been with DH since 1994 - so nearly 30yrs and never, ever, once felt that way - I'm not bragging that is just how it should be. I get so hacked off when women have to change their behaviour to pacify Billy big bollocks. You need to be yourself, to relax and this should be your usual 'state' not worrying about what he thinks- fuck him!
I go out with my girlfriends maybe 4 times a year we have a blast- I get a taxi home - no phoning unless an emergency (which has never happened) no quizzing when I get home . There are good guys out there I promise- 80% ish of my friends are the same as me- I'd really consider if this is how you want to carry on.

The cup of tea could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Many relationships fail over a small thing in the grand scheme of things.

It sounds very much like your treading on eggshells to be honest with you and I have been there and it’s not a nice feeling.

Only you know how you feel and if you want it to continue.

I personally think eggshells are very messy so I don’t have eggs anymore.
Maybe you shouldn’t either.

Good luck

He sounds so toxic! He doesn’t want you having fun without him so he's trying to sabotage you having fun with your friends.

I had one of these OP. He would tell me go out and enjoy myself then it would always end up in a row. I think he did it so I'd stop going out to prevent an argument. Didn't work out for him!! Go and have a nice sleep and have think about if you want to do this forever.

You love the personality traits of controlling, unpleasant, argumentative, unappreciative, and unloving?

Sounds like cohesive control

"I love him and he is good to me and the kids, he just has these weird ways that I have just gotten used too over the years".

He's done a number on you to accept this from him and you've been ground down over many years. His behaviour re your night out is typical controlling man type behaviour also. He does this because he can. Now you're in the position his mother is in with her abuser H. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

Talking to him about his controlling behaviours and how you feel will be a waste of both time and effort. He knows how you feel and he does not care. This is not a blip; its repeated behaviour from him. Your efforts would be better employed in starting slowly but surely to plan your exit.

No he is not good to either you or the kids I am sorry to say; he controls them too and they are also learning from him about relationships. This is no legacy to leave them.

These "weird" ways of his are coercive control and such controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour (as well as a crime). You are in an abusive relationship with your now H. I would like you to read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft; your H is in those pages.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. I would suggest you contact Womens Aid too.

You've also got upset because a friend of his cared enough to make you a cup of tea; something your now H does not do for you readily if at all. That cup of tea represents a further wake up call to you or should be.

What your H is doing to you is abusive in nature and abuse is about power and control. Your now H wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. Do not also continue to show your children here that such control of you by him is at all acceptable to you. You ultimately will need to leave him.

Op, you have had a lightbulb moment. It can happen suddenly and once you see it, it's difficult to unsee. Patricia Evans "the verbally abusive relationship" might be a good start. Has he ever been able to take responsibility for him over reacting?

Like you I have a vivid memory of seeing a couple I know interact over a mobile phone. They were cooperating and I just knew in my marriage that would never happen. It was the start of my awakening.

Ex H would only help if I gave full control to him. If I didn't he would sulk and ignore me.

@ivebeencalledworse, you seem to have a mature man. Talking it through only works with emotionally mature men. It doesn't work with a controlling man and usually end in greater upset and no resolution as they don't want a mutually beneficial relationship. They want to punish you for having happiness or showing your independence. It isn't rational or logical so I appreciate it's hard to understand if you haven't been there.

He's definitely coercively controlling. My Girlfriends ex army officer husband would say you look awful before they went out. In the end she wouldn't bother as he wanted to go on his own. My stepmother had over forty years of this shit.
Over time It becomes your daily normal in the end but honestly it's far from normal. A small gesture of kindness is all it takes sometimes to mirror the crap your putting up with.

Oh I've been there.

the more you behave maturely the more it highlights their immaturity. I'm not suggesting that he will suddenly become mature, but he has a chance to if you approach it maturely.

If he doesn't reciprocate, it should be over. But I led with attempting maturity, not walking out.

Thanks everyone, everyone's comments are just so true, I can relate to them all.

Is that when two people are stuck together?

Not sure why you're phoning from the pub to say hi. I find that a little weird.
We are all different but when either of us are out we may ring on the way home or whatever but that's it.

I've been there too. The pressure to check in during an evening out, the subtle ways of controlling you. I had a 'last straw' moment like your cup of tea, and went to a counsellor. She shocked me by making me put numbers of various DV helplines into my phone before I told him I was leaving: I'd never seen it that way and it was a wake up call.
In fact he got used to the idea of splitting up pretty quickly when he realised it meant he could do lots of dating, and I'm married again now to a wonderful man who encourages me to do whatever I want and who totally appreciates me every day. We make each other tea, and we go out together and separately, and there are no eggshells. I feel like a different person.
Take care. There is a way out, and life is much better on the other side 💐

Talking to such a man about his behaviour here is a waste of both time and effort. His own father behaves similarly too, controlling others is often learnt behaviour.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I only had to read the thread title to realise your post was going to be about coercive control and controlling behaviour from your husband.