DH constantly altering things around the house without discussion - would this annoy you?

[Legacy]

I knew DH was fitting a new heating/hot water controller as the other one died.
I'm going out with friends tonight so went for a shower at 6pm to discover there was no hot water! Said to DH that the new controller can't be working/ set properly and he said, no, it's fine, but that "we're no longer having the hot water coming on in the afternoon like we used to."
There's been no discussion of this, we haven't discussed if it makes sense/ whether it will impact any of the rest of us in the house (me, & 2 adult DC). He's just unilaterally decided this!
Apparently the system is controlled by an app on your (his!) phone which he hasn't bothered to share with me.
Big argument with me trying to explain we need to discuss and agree changes like this.

This is not an isolated example. Other things he's done recently:

• fitted a wifi mesh network around the house and put an ugly box on my dressing table (unplugged my hairdryer etc) with a bright light I had to cover overnight
• decided to 'test' new timer switches which meant lights were going on and off overnight in the hall. Woke me up thinking there was a problem downstairs/ someone was ill etc.
• Fitted new door handles to bedrooms - now so tight that you have to push with your bodyweight against them to close. They are so noisy that anyone leaving a room wakes the whole house!

Yes, that would definitely annoy me. All he needed to say when setting up the new system is 'what time shall we have the hot water come on at? It's asking me to put a time'. Simple. His communication is lacking.

Also, 6pm is not a strange time to have a shower. Anyway, I personally wouldn't want the hot water getting turned off at all throughout the day as sometimes you just need a shower in the middle of the day.

What, no hot water in the afternoon? So, no washing up, no getting a cloth to wipe up a spill, no showering?

But, let me guess, he doesn't do any of those things in the afternoon. You do tho.

I'd be cross about the issue (no hot water) be cross about the app and the unilateral control and I'd be cross about how little he cares about your comfort.

Is he always a twat?

Annoy me? I'd bloody divorce him.

That’s very controlling of him. What has he said now I’m assuming you’ve demanded he reset it??

Thanks - yes, I didn't think I was being unreasonable about this. He was arguing that the tank should heat up enough water in the morning for our 'daily needs' and that if we needed extra we can always override it/ switch it on (which I can't yet do, as I haven't been given the code for the app!!).
But I argued if we need extra hot water for washing up etc we're not going to want to wait 30 mins!

And yes, it's normally the rest of us who want showers & hot water in the evening not him.
He does generally have control issues and I think he sees it all as 'his house'.
I'm ridiculously angry about this for some reason.

He sounds like a dick.

This would absolutely not be ok with me.

You are ridiculously angry for good reason. It's your bloody house too and the adult DCs for that matter.
He seems to think it's his house and you guys are lesser than him.

He sounds positively dangerous. Everything you’ve listed would definitely annoy me but it’s also signs of bodged DIY.

The water is not Ok and you need the app on your phone.

The rest of it doesn’t seem to add up to much - the Wi-Fi box is just cluelessness and can be moved, the lights are one night. The door handles were presumably a mistake - get someone in to fix them if he can’t?

Yep. Your home is not a dictatorship. Well, it shouldn't be.

Ah, but it also means he doesn't care that the op doesn't have enough hot water, can't dry her hair, can't open the doors and can't sleep because of a new light, placed on her dressing table @Luredbyapomegranate

It's not so much the bodged DIY, is it? It's about the fact he's making her life harder, less comfortable and he doesn't care. My DH loves me and wants me to be comfortable! I'm not seeing much of that here from @Legacy DH.

Yes, the other things are more of an irritation which I quoted as examples of how he goes about things.
He doesn't accept that there is a problem with the doors and won't get anyone in (I suggested it). I have tried to oils the catches etc but they won't shut without you leaning against them

Well, that's quite a leap!!

Change the WiFi password.. Tell him that's your responsibility now and it gets used too much so you are restricting usage..
What a twat.

@Legacy

Annoy me??

yes because it's really too hot to be digging foundations.

he sounds horrible, sorry.

Agree.

Apoplectic at his arrogance would be more like it.

Who exactly does he think he is?

He sounds awful.

I couldn't live with such absolute disrespect.

My conversation would (and has) gone like this. I fact find.

-you make decisions about things alone, without me. I'd like to know why you think I shouldn't be involved

evasive nonsense

-I'm just trying to find out from you the reason you think you should not involve me so I can understand the reason

well I guess I SHOULD involve you really

-I agree, so will you do that from now on?

well, yes

He does generally have control issues and I think he sees it all as 'his house'.

I'd be removing the door handles, and the wifi router, preferably when he's using the internet. Just unplug it. Anything he does which impacts you, just remove, don't fix it, remove it.

New door handles without consulting you??? I would be furious.
The thing with hot water would be the end of the marriage straight away and tbh I wouldn’t guarantee his personal safety.
I would never buy new door handles or any sort of Wi-Fi boxes or apps for water without consulting with DH. In some cases DD is involved as well because we all live in the house and we all are affected.

Ah, op, I think you've had a name change fail to add to your woes!

What a horrible feeling, that your partner doesn't care about you. Has he always been like this? Is this a new thing?

You don't have to put up with this. I know it must seem like a giant leap, to say LTB, but honestly, quite often there a straw that breaks the camel's back and that straw can be fairly petty when said out loud, in isolation. But actually, that straw is usually the tip of the iceberg and signifies a while lot more than the actual thing.

Although, having said that, imagine of anyone told you they were leaving their husband because they controlled the hot water and heating from their phone and wouldn't give you the log in details and also set the water to be off during the day so you couldn't use it. I'd be horrified and completely unsurprised that it led to the break down of the relationship!

I don't know how you can live with someone who makes that conversation necessary.