I don't have to name change as I am new here.
this is going to be a long one, I am autistic and succinctness is not my forte. Thank you to those that read to the end.
My ex husband and I were together for 15 years. We married about one and a half years after meeting. I met him when I was in my mid 20s and divorced divorced (early 20s marriage, stillbirth, another child a year later, husband had issues, I left, he never bothered with son who was 1 when we divorced.)
so with second husband it was so different, we were so in love and a perfect match it seemed, we went on to have 3 children together having discussed children in the very beginning and he treated my son as his own and he calls him dad.. However a few years in he started to make sly comments, take the piss, criticise, belittle my work (I worked full time when we met but when our daughter was born we decided I'd go freelance as childcare for 2 children was v expensive and income would be the same or less after paying for childcare)
he progressed in his career and I was happy doing what I was trained to do. I have a linguistics and music degrees and worked as a linguist and looked after the children full time. I was the kind of mum that does a 20 min walk school run with 3 children and a baby 2 days postpartum, bounces up straight after birth with a flat tummy and baby in a sling. He took it for granted
I loved him so much. He however did a few things that made me go hmmm. On our wedding day he added his first gf (love of his life as he referred to her) to his friends on fb,
he went to parties where people he knew from school would be but didn't want me to come. He never took my work seriously and told the children that mummy is lazy sitting there looking at her laptop (while doing a massive translation project and bf a baby.
he said I stole his money when I used his card (and told him I was going to as it was saved) to buy shoes for one of the children in a sale)
a few months before we separated I had major food poisoning (my friend and I both got it but she ended up in hospital ) and had to lie down and he told the kids mummy is pretending to be ill so she doesn't have to wash up.
our youngest was nearly 4 then and I joined a choir. He hated it. Whenever we spent time as a family at weekends he complained about his weekend being stolen by us.
I started to feel he no longer loved me. He always made comment about me being shit, called me a fashion victim when I needed new trousers for court, or bought myself winter boots that didn't look like walking boots.
when I met friends it was in their home as I would apparently be flirting if we went to a bar (I met friends once a month if I am lucky as was busy with work and the children. I am by no means high maintenance. My children's friends say I look very young (I am size 6-8 and quite tall and wear simple but nice clothes) I have Asperger's and my chives are very specific.
he also never believed me when I was feeling unwell. I have vestibular hypofunction following a flu infection and an ear infection and feel v dizzy at times but he always dismissed it and said I was pretending. Although when he is ill it's the end of the world.
he felt was not working enough when our youngest was nearly 4 so we looked at options (he suggested some simple work like night time shelf stacking , he is an IT pm for a very well known company and was just a low grade manager when I met him.
But we discussed it more and I found more work in london (2 days a week, very intense but very satisfying, and in my line of work)
around the same time I became very unhappy. I felt he didn't love me and my feeling for him were changing. He noticed and asked me and I was so stupid and told him how I felt. He was very upset and asked if there was someone else. There wasn't.
he was ok with me working in london but started to tell the children every time I left that "mummy is going on her jollies to see men" and told the school parents at pick up that I ran away to london and left the kids with him, which caused some confusion as they saw me at pick up 3 days a week.
We drifted even further apart, I suggested separation, he agreed but we decided to stay in the same house for the children. He then started going to my choir concerts and one day pulled me aside and told me he loved me as much and more as in the beginning and wanted us to be together. I was late for my coach and said sorry please give me til Christmas (it was end of October) and we will be fine. I should have stayed and reassured him but I didn't and this was the moment we ended I feel. I later told him I still loved him but it was too late. He turned off the tap it seems, just overnight.
he soon started dating a woman two doors down to get back at me (as he admitted later), her 3 kids tormenting mine , coming over saying they now have a new daddy etc. it was a nightmare. He also tried to get me to move out. We went to councelling , he said he enjoyed being "single" wanted to date other women, I tried offering options of staying together but he wanted me to move out, and not divorce and leave the children with him.
I filed for divorce.
I then met a lovely man through friends who I was first friendly with and then we started dating and he proposed quite soon but I was still dealing with divorce and feelings for my soon to be ex so that was put on hold. . My divorce took ages and then covid happened and it delayed things further.
I did end up marrying the new man and the children live with us. We had a baby together (I am early 40s he is 50 and has two children aged 15 and 21 who don't live with us, youngest was 50/50 until last year but wanted to stay with mum)
my ex kept the house (it was very cheap and equity was minuscule and he had no pension) so my settlement was measly as the solicitor called it. Once the depts were payed off that incurred for the divorce there was hardly anything left.
he also refused to pay maintenance until I went to css and they threatened to recover automatically but even then he managed to negotiate about £200 off the calculated amount per month.
his love life was odd, he started dating old friends, women he knew at school or in early 20s but never dated. One was lovely but he wasn't feeling it and dragged her along for over a year then left her and the current one has been lurking for about 15 yrs (since we joined fb in 2007) commenting on photos and liking my pics with him in it.
I often wondered who she was but apparently some friend from school hugely unattractive to him it seemed even in the past. She made a move last year when she moved into the same city we used to live in and started meeting up with him and they ended up dating slowly.
she now proposed to him over text and is planning to move in (he says not getting married yet as lots to sort out but in reality he is alone in that house nothing stopping them getting married tomorrow) I feel he is less into her than she is into him as he is stalling.
he made so much effort for me coming to see me on a 5 he drive after we met when I lived in Scotland and he in the north (ish) of England. With her it seems more like he is allowing her to live him.
the news of their "engagement " and her moving in really hurt me. I don't know why.
I can't understand why I still care. It's like grief. We have not been together for nearly 5 years now.
after divorcing my first husband I never thought about him again, hardly ever spoke to him and had no feelings whatsoever.
I also have this lingering feeling of guilt, he badmouths me to the children when they visit him, but I do feel like I started the end of our marriage by admitting to him my feelings had changed. But at the time I felt I had to be honest.
I am sure there are people here who have felt similar in a similar situation.