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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not expect parents to help money wise?

27 replies

moita · 13/08/2022 14:06

DH's mum has helped us financially quite a bit. This is her choice: we never asked but she has offered to pay for mainly household expenses and often treats us to meals out which I always say thank you for.

My parents don't do this but they give us free childcare whenever we need (MIL is unable to do this for reasons I totally understand). We have a disabled daughter they have done this last minute a lot.

DH likes taking digs at my mum and dad for being 'tight' which really pees me off.

I do wonder if he is a bit jealous they can help out more and his mum can't.

Anyone in a similar position?

OP posts:
Wombat27A · 13/08/2022 14:08

Doesn't value their time.

Plus is being an arsehole.

RandomMess · 13/08/2022 14:11

You need to have calm rational conversation with your DH.

Does he value your contribution by looking after the DC?

applegrumbles · 13/08/2022 14:13

Your DH is the actual problem here. He sounds spoilt…

applegrumbles · 13/08/2022 14:14

NB not because his parents help but because he thinks this is a given.

My parents help us out loads. DH’s family can’t do this. I wouldn’t dream of making digs at him about this, that is just not ok.

FitAt50 · 13/08/2022 14:33

Heck this turned very quickly on the husband:

  1. Arsehole
  2. Doesn't value your contribution
  3. He sounds spoilt.

Maybe he just feels embarrased in front of his parents that they are making lots of contributions and yours aren't doing the same. My husbands family have given us tens of thousands over the years and mines have not. Its because his parents are wealthy and mine live in a council house.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 13/08/2022 14:39

If he sees the world in pounds and pence count out how much your dps have saved you both in childcare..

applegrumbles · 13/08/2022 16:27

FitAt50 · 13/08/2022 14:33

Heck this turned very quickly on the husband:

  1. Arsehole
  2. Doesn't value your contribution
  3. He sounds spoilt.

Maybe he just feels embarrased in front of his parents that they are making lots of contributions and yours aren't doing the same. My husbands family have given us tens of thousands over the years and mines have not. Its because his parents are wealthy and mine live in a council house.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel.

And how would you feel if your husband made digs at you about this?

Its just not on.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 13/08/2022 16:30

Have you told him that you are noticing the dogs and aren’t happy about them? I think a direct approach is probably helpful.

I think the fact his mum pays so much for you is lovely, but it’s not something adult children should expect. To be honest I’d much rather have childcare than financial help anyway. Way more helpful.

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2022 16:36

Well, he sounds like a dickhead.

Is he?

Original poster
moita · 13/08/2022 20:13

I appreciate the replies. Needed a reality check

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 13/08/2022 20:22

So, let me get this straight. He's a married man - and therefore presumably a grown up? And a married man with a child. But he expects somebody else's Mummy, as well as his, to give him money?

Wow. I'd be looking him straight in the eye and telling him what a pity it was he wasn't able to support his own family, without handouts.

Mindymomo · 13/08/2022 20:26

When we had children we always thought it would be my parents that helped out, as they were so looking forward to becoming parents and were retired, early 60’s, but it turned out the other way, MIL went part time to spend more time with GS and even suggested I go back to work part time. They came into some inheritance so paid for holidays. My own Mum was in and out of hospital with depression, but was able to see my DC regularly. My Dad always gave me money each month and when children were a bit older, I did leave him with the children. We were grateful for whatever help we were given and never took it for granted.

Holly60 · 13/08/2022 20:44

Is it just that they haven't given you large sums of money OP, or are they actually tight?

Do you end up paying for things for them etc ? Does your relationship with them feel financially imbalanced at all, with the money coming from you to them in any way?

If so he might just feel it's a bit unfair for his mum to be giving loads of money so that you can then spend it on your parents?

If it's just about the large sums of money not being given, then he is being unfair.

FitAt50 · 13/08/2022 21:49

MadMadMadamMim · 13/08/2022 20:22

So, let me get this straight. He's a married man - and therefore presumably a grown up? And a married man with a child. But he expects somebody else's Mummy, as well as his, to give him money?

Wow. I'd be looking him straight in the eye and telling him what a pity it was he wasn't able to support his own family, without handouts.

Is it the 1950s?

Oysterbabe · 14/08/2022 09:27

The childcare is much more valuable. You can't put a price on having your children cared for by people who love them rather than paid childcare.

DH's family are rich. Mt family are poor. His parents spend a lot of money on our children, bought a second home so that they can spend weekends close to us and have filled this house and garden with expensive toys. If we go out for meals or days out with them they will always pay. It would hurt my feelings if DH implied my family were lesser because they weren't putting their hands in their pockets all the time. Relationships aren't based on money.

londonlass71 · 14/08/2022 09:33

Do your parents have the finances to help? Are they tight? I would make a comment like "well at least they are capable of physically helping with our children. It would cost a lot more money to hire help to babysit a child with special needs". But then I have a huge mouth and cont help myself

Bonbon21 · 14/08/2022 09:37

Maybe if they charged for the childcare he would realise they have contributed AT LEAST equally in kind if not cash..
Ungrateful sod!

awwbiscuits · 14/08/2022 09:40

Honestly free childcare is absolutely invaluable. He needs to stop the digs and realise how lucky he is to have both financial AND childcare help from both sides.

SuperCamp · 14/08/2022 09:42

Talk to him directly. Don’t wait till you explode, next time he says it say “I notice you say this quite a lot, can you explain what you mean please?’.
Ask him if he expects financial help from parents and why, ask him if he recognises the support your parents give, ask if he judges people by what they give him, be clear about how you appreciate his parents’ generosity. And also that you would never expect or ask for such help.

SuperCamp · 14/08/2022 09:44

Do you do the majority of household and childcare? That enables him to be so blasé and oblivious to the value of your parents’ support?

Mischance · 14/08/2022 09:49

No parents should make any contributions. Grown adults as you both are, you need to stand on own two feet. Your DH is wrong here.

badhappening · 14/08/2022 10:26

He’s an ignorant twat.
Childcare is worth it’s weight in gold.

toffeechai · 14/08/2022 10:38

Mischance · 14/08/2022 09:49

No parents should make any contributions. Grown adults as you both are, you need to stand on own two feet. Your DH is wrong here.

What’s the harm if they can afford it and would like to help?

My mum says she’d rather help us when we need it than arbitrarily wait until she’s dead!

Toyingyu · 14/08/2022 10:49

toffeechai · 14/08/2022 10:38

What’s the harm if they can afford it and would like to help?

My mum says she’d rather help us when we need it than arbitrarily wait until she’s dead!

Show quote history

I agree. Why shouldn't parents help if they want to. We get plenty of financial help from my parents, not from H's. We will help our kids in turn.

redskyatnight · 14/08/2022 10:54

Perhaps you should cost up how much it would have cost to have paid for all the childcare that your parents have provided.

Really annoys me when people value money more than time. I once fell out with a friend who was complaining that her parents had given her brother £500 and not given her anything. I pointed out that her parents looked after her DC after school 2 days a week, at least one weekend a month, multiple days in the school holidays and occasional ad-hoc times. But that was taken for granted in a way cold hard cash is apparently not.