I'm Turning Into A Nasty Bitch

[MrsSnape]

Just lately I have such a short fuse. I just feel like I'm going to snap at the next person that pisses me off.
I'm feeling down anyway, I'm a single parent and I'm HATING being single, I'm stuck on benefits and finding it impossible to get a job. I'm desperate to move house etc etc and I'm just so stressed.

Anyway my mum came around on thursday and asked if I wanted some curtains my grandma was getting rid of. I said yes...bearing them in mind for the bedroom windows which desperately need replacing. So she said "yeah...your grandma said they wont reach the top of your living room windows but will reach up to where they open". So I said "its ok, I don't want them for the living room window anyway, I want them for the bedroom window". So she just looked and said "Oh...I think she was more thinking of your living room window". So I explained that since she just wants rid I doubt she'll care where I put them.

Anyway I phoned for something completely unrelated today and my mum said "did you measure your living room window?" so...on a short fuse anyway I said "no, I don't want the curtains for the living room window as I said on thursday" so she said "oh, its just that your grandma thought they'd go well in your living room" so quickly losing patience I said "yes well, they'll go ok in the bedroom window too".

Anyway, low and behold...today she rang up and said "did you measure your windows?" so I said "Not yet" so she said "oh...well your grandma said they'll not go all the way up your living room windows but they'll go up to where they open..." I snapped instantly and said "I dont want them for the living room window!" so she snapped back with "well she might not want to cut them for the bedroom window when they'd fit the living room!" so I said "I'll cut them then!" so she replied "its a shame to cut them though..." so I'd had enough and said "fine, I don't want them at all".

It was a stupid, childish argument but for gods sake, was I really in the wrong here? They've done the same thing before. One time me and ex bought a new double bed and the day after it arrived my grandma said "I have a double bed you can have for £50" it was her sisters. I said "no its ok, we've just ordered one but thanks anyway" so it erupted into a big fuss where my grandma said we were being stupid and should send the new bed back to the company. I said we were happy with it and would be keeping it and so she said "well fine, have this one as a spare bed then".???? Why would I need a spare bed? she said to put it in our spare room but what was the point really when a) we didnt have a spare £50 to spend on something we didn't need and b) we didn't have the room for something that would never get used. Weeks later when it all blew over my grandma said "wasn't you stupid about that bed..." .

But back to this curtain argument, my mum KNOWS how stressed I am right now, I'm behind with my uni work, I'm skint and have the kids birthdays coming up, I'm desperate to move from this shit hole, I have a job interview on Tuesday for a job that I cant even accept whether I'm successful or not...

So why do I feel guilty for snapping?? should I?

they think they are trying to help you ...

can you tell your mum how stressed and upset you are?

when we are under pressure we snap - it is totally normal

you sound like you have a lot on

perhaps talking with your mum would help you unload and get some help with the stuff that is bothering you?

If you are happy with your living room the way your living room is, you are well within your rights to refuse to hang different curtains there just to please someone.

If they don't want them, they don't want them. They can't give you something with the proviso that you do as you are told with it - you're not 12.

Sounds like they really pushed you too far on this. It would have annoyed me too. i row with my mum whenever I do her washing - if she wants me to do it, she has to leave me alone to do it. She may not dictate to me how to use my washing machine.

Oh.My.God. Are we related? Sounds like my family.

I would have snapped at her as well.

Me: Hey dad, look at this house Dh and I are going to buy

Dad: No no NOOO. You don't want one of those older houses. That neighbourhood is not the best. You want to be looking at one of the new singles going up for $350,000 (this was in the USA)

Me: I cannot afford that unless I win the lottery

Dad: Oh look at this one..it has a pool and it is $400,000

Me. We could not afford that unless we sold our baby son. Look at his one I found, it has 4 bedrooms and is a great price, decent school district.

Dad: NOOO!! It only has 1 bathroom. You don't want one of those! It's a semi-detached. You want a detatched house and one that is new...with a pool. Oh and you need a 2 car garage. How could you raise kids in a house with one bathroom (he says to me like I am an idiot)

Of course he never offered to help us pay for our house.

Sometimes people like this just need a reality check and the best way to do that is to be TOUGH.

I don't think you are nasty at all.

Oh I'd have snapped long before, you're a saint.

in their own uber annoying way they were trying to help, i agree with rubyslippers

tbh if i knew they were like this i would have estimated drop size, nodded and done what i liked..

you do have alot on and it sounds stressful
focus on one thing at time and the positive things
you are doing uni course there will be good to come of this and it can help you out of housing situ in time of course

why are you applying of jobs you cannot take?
sorry dont understand that part

You are NOT a nasty bitch and it would better if your daft family stopped 'helping' you - imo the giving of curtains should be unconditional - as in genuinely giving, not pretend, manipulative giving.

They are being horrible, you are nice (albeit under some stress at the moment)

Hope things improve for you soon

Thanks everyone. My mum just does not listen.

Another thing is the way she goes on about me moving. She doesnt want me to move basically because she knows I'm wanting to move into the area SHE wants to live in...only her husband refuses to move. So everytime I mention a house I've seen it goes like this:

me: Oh, look at this house...only £500 a month and its near the best schools

mum: yes but remember on top of that £500 a month you will have council tax and bills to pay...

me: I know, I've worked all that out...

mum: Don't know why you wanna rent anyway, its cheaper to buy...

me: well I'm not working so can't buy...

mum: but its better to buy....the house is never yours if you rent...

me: yes well thats all I can do at the moment.

mum: hmm well I'd never rent.

me: well some of us dont have a choice

mum: Oh I know...i didn't mean anything by it...

Then you can guarantee I'll see something similar and said "well, what about this one, same area...but cheaper..." and she will reply "its cheaper to buy you know...."

suzycreamcheese I applied for the job by accident, I thought it was part time but it turned out to be full time. Its the NHS which is who I want to work for so I didn't want to just not turn up so I'm going for the interview and hoping I don't get it

I think the older generation maybe forget what it's like for us. They are not at the most expensive and stressful part of their lives, well most of them arent anyway.

Mrs Snape - your mum and gran sound like mine, it's so annoying. Tell them you don't want the sodding curtains anymore.

mrssnape
thats a positive thing then, maybe they would consider job-share?...work experience?...hope that works out ...

with people like that i dont know if it is generational or just that some people like to go on go on i tend to tune out...but more difficult with family i know..

you know what to expect from them it seems, try and tune out a bit and know that they will drone on and on and never really listen to you either...but its less stressful than getting wound up about it everytime...

they sound like they are there for you in other ways? i hope so..

You are single - not by choice
You are benefits - not by choice
You are unemployed - not by choice
You haven't moved house - not by choice

The few things you have some control over (like the curtains) you are being questioned about, and, having now read your second post, I would say she does want to control you.

I read your other thread about your sister - I think there are control issues there too.

I'd be hopping mad too. The bed incident is an old one but it sounds like it rankles again whenever something similar occurs.

I'd smile, nod and change the subject.

I agree with WanderingTrolley, it sounds like a control thing. My mother was and still is a control freak and I really dislike her for it. My sister was also a control freak.

Tell them you no longer want the curtains and have been offered different ones from a friend.

My Mum's the same-keeps on at me hoping she'll eventually get the answer she wants!

I do feel for you-you need to have a lot of patience when your family is like that!

Having just read that MrsSnape you are not being a bitch! You and knackered and stressed and your mum is being COMPLETELY unreasonable.

When people start doing that to me I put the phone down on them. Now that's being a bitch

In other words, don't feel guilty!

You're not a bitch - You're feeling trapped and frustrated and all that stress can really put you on edge.

NOTHING winds me up more than someone not hearing what I am saying and keeping on and on with their own POV - you feel like the only thing you can do is scream/snap and then MAYBE they'll listen. You should be getting support instead of this aggravation.

I hope the job situation works out for you.

MrsSnape you are not being unreasonable. I am four years older than my brother. My life has been a challenge, to say the least, always broke, always in some kind of trouble or having some kind of problem. We have tried so hard to make our way in life as a family and my mum and dad often disrespect my husband - married almost 30 yrs!! My brother appears to have everything together - even tho I know that isint right. He is buying a house we are private renting!! AND??
I just smile and nod now when they start going on. Keep your chin up, smile and nod and breathe in and out.....in and out....in and out! Better?

You know something that really used to annoy me about my nan? As much as I adored that lady, she seemed to judge me by my cousins' behaviour.

Nan: "Ive a lovely dinner set spare, would you like it?"
Me: "Oh yes please, that would be great".
Nan: "Now you have to promise me, that you wont give it away to that friend of yours".

WHY WOULD I??

Why would I accept something from my lovely kind nan and give it away?

She gave me quite a bit of stuff when I was first starting out (and later in fact, she was very posh and updated stuff when there was no need!) and every single time, I was asked this question. I have no idea why. Absolutely no idea.

It drove me mad. Im not ungrateful, or the kind of person who would accept anything just because its free!

Bless her, she meant well

I can understand why you snapped.

Re the job, what kind of part time are you looking for? Is there any possibility of jobshare in the post that you've an interview for?

I'm biased (See the mother threads!), but to me, your mother sounds controlling, although to others she might come accross as caring and innocent. But to me, personally, she is blatantly controlling.
Laurie is right, THis is pretend giving, conditional giving; a means of control.
Why? Who knows! SOme people really get kicks out of controlling other people in minute, tiny ways. Its sometimes a power thing, an ego ride.
You do not sound like a nasty bitchy at all. Honestly. And TBH if dealings with your mother are making you feel as though you are a nasty bitch, then maybe some distance is needed. It sounds as though she was goading you TBH. Goading you to snap, which you inevitably did, being human and all. Anyone else would have snapped at someome blatantly ignoring them like that.

YANBU at all. I'd be a real bitch and ask her about her hearing or memory in a concerned sort of way if she kept up with this nonsense. You never know, though - in all seriousness, maybe it just doesn't stick in her head for some reason other than being a stubborn cowbag. How old is your mother?

Don't engage her in the argument next time she does something like this. It's like the council tax & moving argument you mentioned. Her opinion is just an opinion - not a law. If she has a problem cutting the curtains to fit your bedroom, then offer to find someone to do it for her if she insists on paying for the alteration herself. If you can afford the rent and the council tax, and the school is better, move, fer ffs. If she starts on with you about renting vs buying, tell her that you'd like to buy someday, but for now you need to rent for the sake of getting into the better school. End of argument, really.

The curtains aren't even her gift to you, really, if they are coming from your gran. Can you contact your gran directly, thank her for the curtains, explain that you'll be putting them in the bedroom instead, and see what she says? Bet you're right and your gran doesn't care what room they go in, as long as you can use them.