Overwhelming desire to want to go home

[Bakedbeani]

I had quite a dysfunctional upbringing from my early teens onwards due to my parents drinking.

In my late teens, my Dad threw me out and I went to live with grandparents in a different town. When I left school, I didn't keep in touch with anyone and sought new friends, I think embarrassed about my parents and my upbringing. I also didn't have a great time of it at school and struggled to fit in.

I was very academic and went to sixth form and university after leaving my grandparents house. I met new friends, still not keeping in touch with anyone from school.

I then rented my own house, did more training, got job, went overseas for a short time, made more friends, had awful relationships with abusive men, had too many one night stands- more shame.

I then returned to England, got a steady long-term job and calmed down. I rented another flat and met my now husband at work. We have two children.

I am terribly unhappy in my marriage after many years of emotional struggle in our relationship. He was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD 18 months ago which explains a lot but to be honest, doesn't make my life any easier. I moved 20 miles away to his town a few months after we met and now work 18 miles in the other direction even further away from the town I grew up in.

I never returned to my home town, never saw any school friends much again, and I did have a couple but never stayed in touch. I never visit my father there and mum finally divorced him and moved away.

I feel like I became a different person when I left my home town, taking nobody into my life with me. Then yesterday, my brother called me to say that he'd met an old friend for a drink in a local pub in my home town and that a lovely male friend I went to primary and secondary school with was asking him how I am and what I'm doing now. I suddenly had this huge pang of home sick. I left behind many, many people the day I left at 18 I think feeling too ashamed of my family to keep in touch. This one boy, man now I guess was always a good person and a nice friend. It made me realise how much I miss him and a few others I've left behind and I couldn't stop crying.

I ran away pretty much at 18 because of my home life and embarrassment of it because as a small town, everyone knew what my Dad was like. I'm now 36 and find myself very lonely in my marriage, in his town with his family who are all (in my opinion) undiagnosed ASD and can be quite insular and cold.

My children don't even know me, not really, they know nothing of my home town or life before. I miss some of the people, I miss the little shops in my hometown, the bridge over the stream, walking down my old street, the fields I used to walk my dog in everyday.

I just want to go home.
I never thought I'd feel this way again when I left at 18. But now that my grandparents have died, my marriage isn't working I feel this need to go back to my roots. I can't logistically go back and live there because of how far it is for work and I'd hate to have to pull my kids out of school and start another one.

It was lovely to hear that someone was thinking of me and asking about me, I feel really tearful about it.

I'm not sure the purpose of this post, I just wanted to write down how I'm feeling. I'd love to go back and see people I've known all my life. My husband gets to do this everyday where we live now, I never realised how comforting it must feel.

[Endlesslypatient82]

My children don't even know me

the fact they don’t know your home town doesn’t mean they don’t “know” you.

OP your thread reeks of unhappiness, desperation and an absence of any thought for your children.

No advice but it doesn’t sound as though anyone in your family set up, from you, your husband or your children will be happy

[LadyGardenersQuestionTime]

This is so sad. I’m no therapist but it sounds like a very unhappy lonely person longing for security and happiness and yearning for the life you might have had if things had been different.

you have done amazingly well in your life - it may not feel like that but it sounds like you’ve pulled yourself from the brink of disaster to stability.

read any of the threads on here about peopLe staying in unhappy marriages for the sake of the children - you’re not fooling anyone. As the child of an unhappy marriage it meant my expectations of marriage were very low and i made rubbish choices right up till I was 50.

Find yourself a good solo therapist - they all work online now which really opens the door to finding someone you gel with - and invest a little in your future happiness to help you guide yourself forwards.

[Bakedbeani]

Thanks @LadyGardenersQuestionTime I've had lots of therapy and continue having it when I can afford to. I've seen the same lady now for 4 years.

It is quite sad. It's amazing how quickly time flies and before you know it, you're married with children and still haven't been home.

My children think I came from their hometown and will ask me if I went to certain places when I was younger, like their Dad did and I keep having to remind them that I didn't. That I'm from somewhere else. Maybe I ought to take them for a visit, I'd love that. We could have lunch in the café and wander to the park I used to play in as a child.

It's hard as my mum isn't there anymore, she moved abroad to be with her sister. We still speak and get along. I think her drinking was a way of coping with Dads.

My therapist often reminds me that I've done well to get to where I am despite my upbringing but tbh, school work was a welcomed distraction. From a young age, I remember having the foresight that to get out of the kind of life I had I needed to work hard to create a better one.

However, history seems to be repeating itself in terms of the relationship I have with my kids' Dad. My Dad was careless and inattentive because of his drinking, my husband is the same, but because of his ASD. He's a much better person than my dad however and not outwardly abusive like he was.

I know I'm looking back with rose tinted glasses, I just long to bump into old friends sometimes.

[Endlesslypatient82]

My children think I came from their hometown and will ask me if I went to certain places when I was younger, like their Dad did and I keep having to remind them that I didn't. That I'm from somewhere else. Maybe I ought to take them for a visit, I'd love that. We could have lunch in the café and wander to the park I used to play in as a child.

how old are your children?
your hometown sounds very close to where you are now?

[Bakedbeani]

Yep. Just 20 miles away as said in my OP.

[Bakedbeani]

My children are 4 and 7.

[Endlesslypatient82]

This is most baffling.

A hometown that means so much to you
So close
and you feel your children don’t “really know” you

and yet you have never taken them back?!
And how often do they actually say you grew up where you currently live (which given you did 20 miles away, I would say you did grow up in the area!)

[Bakedbeani]

@Endlesslypatient82

This is most baffling.

A hometown that means so much to you
So close
and you feel your children don’t “really know” you

and yet you have never taken them back?!
And how often do they actually say you grew up where you currently live (which given you did 20 miles away, I would say you did grow up in the area!)

Ok

[Flaunch]

I have never taken my kids of the place I spent my childhood which is 80 odd miles away where where we live now. I can’t fathom how this would mean they don’t know me?

You don’t need to be ashamed of one night stands. I’ll guarantee you that the men you slept with aren’t.

[neonjumper]

I guess this is less about the actual hometown but rather about recognising somewhere in you , you have cut yourself off from your roots and are not feeling anchored because your relationship has stopped providing the safety you need.

Even though things were not great when you were growing up and ran away from your younger self as soon as you could , as we get older sometimes ( having children can trigger this as well ) we want to return to that place where our younger self had been and go back and nurture it.

I think taking your children and showing them places where you grow up will give you a sense of safety .

This is probably a time to also consider if your marriage is really over or are you running away from something in your marriage .

[OldFan]

You can always go back for a lunch/tea with friends there @Bakedbeani .

Get back in touch with people through Facebook etc.

I think the feelings you're having may be 'just' because you're miserable in your marriage.

[Bakedbeani]

Yes all of this @neonjumper "guess this is less about the actual hometown but rather about recognising somewhere in you , you have cut yourself off from your roots and are not feeling anchored because your relationship has stopped providing the safety you need."

I have struggled to feel anchored since I left home at 18. I lived at so many addresses between the ages of 18 and 26. Thought I'd found my anchor here but my marriage failing has left me lonely without a sense of stability and security. My marriage is definitely over. Had lots of therapy around this individually along with Relationship counselling and therapists seem to agree that it can't be salvaged. I spent my childhood feeling like the adult in the house to now, 2 children and a man with autism who struggles to function feeling much the same. The responsibility of everybody which has always been a problem for me is feeling very heavy and it's time for me to take back some stability for myself and my children.

I agree @OldFan I think it's been initiated by the loneliness in my marriage too.

[Dery]

@Bakedbeani - just wanted to say you sound amazing. You’ve been through so much and you’ve managed to build a good life for yourself and your DCs.

[Mix56]

Dare I say, that "going back" home is likely to be a painful failure.
The village, the little stream....
Everything will have changed, the little shops maybe replaced by a take way, or a housing estate where the stream was.
Why not go for a visit one day ? IME, it was sadly clear that going home, was a dream, & it wasn't going to fix things

[RiverSkater]

I get it, I often look at my hometown which I left when I was 18 and feel a bit homesick. I start looking at places I knew from my childhood on Google street maps. It's over 100 miles away so I can't just visit.
Like you, I had a dysfunctional childhood so no idea why I do this.

But 20 miles is doable, like Pp have said, look up that old friend on Facebook. Take the kids to visit. Tell them about your life growing up in a way they can understand, they don't need to know the details yet. Maybe arrange to meet some old friends for a walk? Check it out on Google street maps so it's not too much of an shock to see how it's changed.

I think we often cling to the past when the present is hard to cope with and look through rose tinted glasses. Maybe discuss with your therapist too.

[Bakedbeani]

I went back there this evening at dusk.

The shops all looked the same but some had different names, but overall, very similar to how I remember. The book shop I used to visit every Saturday was still there ❤️. Drove past some friend's old houses that I grew up with and went into the co-op for a couple of groceries. It felt nice.

I didn't bump into anyone I know but it was comforting. Also comforting to drive past my old house, despite the memories. I could see Dad's light was on.

I'm going to arrange to take the children to the park there in a few weeks. I told my mum about my longing to go back and she said she understands. That I was uprooted quite quickly. She has suggested we go to lunch at a pub nearby next time she flies to England.

Maybe go and see how you feel @RiverSkater .

[RiverSkater]

I'm glad you got to go back!
Little steps 😊