How did you deal with relationship trauma?

[babyrocket]

I'm happily married now but I often think of my ex because of the stark difference in my standard of living now compared to when I was with my ex.

We were together 6 years but my ex didn't care about me. He did a lot of drugs and didn't really want to spend any time with me, calling my a "psycho" when I got upset if I hadn't seen him in a few weeks. Being out partying was my b more fun to him. I'd plan lovely days out for us and he'd party until 6am the day of and then complain the whole time we were together. He basically only kept me around as a "trophy" girl friend and brought me out when he needed lad points. He criticised me if I put on any weight and was emotionally cold and distant with me if I did anything to upset him (like not wear make up etc.). I could go on but these are brief examples.

When we broke up the only thing he said was "but I'll never find anyone as good looking as you!". Not "you're my best friend" or "I'll miss you".

I've realised recently that despite it being 6 years since we broke up I'm still massively traumatised by that relationship. I still get teary if DH does something nice for me and still reflexively feel like it'll mean that I'll owe him something later (I don't, DH is just a lovely person, but my ex only did nice things for personal gain).

Lately I've been thinking about meeting the ex again (wouldn't be hard, we have mutual friends) to just lay out for him exactly how he ducked me up. I don't know if he'd listen but I feel it's be a huge release for me to actually confront him about it, because I just want him to know how awful it was.

Is this a good idea? Any other methods suggested?

Sorry about typos, feeding baby at 5am!

You need to allow yourself to let it go, to let him go, but without using him to be part of the process.

He’s an abusive loser so he’s not some kind of missing piece of your jigsaw. He tried to wreck your jigsaw you were building and sweep it off the table. Just keep on building it again - you have beautiful new pieces, your DH and baby. Add some counselling to that if you feel ready.

Write him a letter, say everything you want to say. Tell him all the home truths, read it, seal it and burn it. Sometimes you just need to get it out but i don't feel going over it with him will bring any closure as he will most likely not acknowledge your side and deny any wrongdoing snd call you a psycho again!

I agree with the write him a letter, read it, seal it burn it suggestion. It's tough getting over traumatic relationships and I I understand the impact and having a similar reflex of being teary when your current partner does something for you that would never of happened with a previous relationship.

My ex left me 5 years ago because she decided she no longer wanted children or to get married despite telling me she did want that for 6 years but basically she didn't want to come out and I was her 'Friend' for 6 years we were together to her family even suggested I leave my own home when her dad visited. Stark contrast to where I am now with my partner and starting a family together and being fully out.

I've not bothered to stay in touch with my ex as it feels mentally healthy for me, I had to grieve the loss of the relationship to process everything. I did counselling for a bit which helped a little too but mainly the best way I found to heal was to just invest in my own self worth. Doing things I wanted to do just for me not to accommodate anyone and even now I still do this with my partner, carve out me time.

I'm sorry your feeling how you do with the guilt of owing for kind deeds etc. Its a hard place to be, just know that you deserve love and be kind to yourself.

I hope this helps some how.

Please don't meet or contact this ridiculous man. Anything you say to him will barely impact the surface as he sounds so messed up in his views towards women and relationships. I agree with writing everything you want to say in full but not sending it. I use a journaling app for this kind of thing so I can read it back whenever I need to. Alternatively try a counsellor.

Then do something nice with your lovely husband. That's how it should be, spending quality time together because you want to and appreciate each other, not the ex's sad, transactional approach.

I did lovely, awesome, sweet, kind, caring things for myself. I still do, all the time. I support myself. It's less of a surprise when those close to you do it, if you do it all the time yourself.

I wouldn't contact the ex, in your shoes. Wanting to reveals the crux of your problem: relying on others for validation. Learn to rely on yourself.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/pieces-mind/201407/self-validation

Oh wow, thank you for your thoughtful responses. Im going to try writing the letter and thank you for the article, I'm going to read it now.