The layed back husband and the rush around wife

[mummy2903]

How do i not get upset with my husband for being so layed back.
I dont want to be a nag or act like a mother towards him but he knows how i am and i am very house proud and clean and like things organised ( as good as possible ) and he is totally the opposite. When guests come he has started to want thing to look tidy which is good but other thing.. such simple things .. he says hell do it later.
And because its so simple i just end up soing it my dam self lol.

When he does help and do some dishes he stacks them wrong .. i dont want to critisize as im afraid he wont bother to do them again lol

He goes to work, im at home on leave with the baby and i am also very tired by the end of the day. I dont stop with the baby till 9:30. He clocks off at 6 from doing anything when he comes home when we got up same time sometimes me even earlier and i dont stop till later. And hes just chilled layed back saying hell do things later

You don't sound very compatible to be honest.

Well i wouldnt say that my love.
Just very opposit when it comes to movitation to have things tidy lol

Is he laid back or is he lazy. Would you consider yourself laid back if you did as little as him around the house?

My husband does the “I’ll do it later” thing too. Infruriating when you know later means days later

Every day is a day why he shouldnt do it oh its the weekend im chilling , oh its the week day ive been working.

He does eventually get round to doing things but we do have arguments to have a end result hes happy with of me finally shutting up about it and me being hapy hes finally done what i ask . For example change toilet seat after 6 weeks goes by after buying it

Mine is the same. So I've decided if that's something that I can manage, even heavy labour stuff (like taking things to recycling centre and trimming neighbours' overgrown trees and etc.) , I would just do it myself. No expectations, no disappointments.

Well obviously, I hate the fact that I do have to keep the long list of things which I can't possibly do by myself and the constant reminders (well paced and prioritised). When giving reminders, I learned not to rush everyday, but pace it such that the intensity increases over time and in the end push him to set a deadline and make him genuinely ashamed (obviously) when still not done... It's hard work and never got acknowledged...

@mummy2903 , I appreciate that maybe English isn't your first language but calling a complete stranger "my love" can seem patronising.

You and your DH don't sound compatible re the cleaning, and it sounds like he thinks you've been playing dollies all day not actually doing hard work caring for a baby.

If you don't nip his behaviour in the bud you risk breeding resentment.

‘Laid’ back

why don’t you change the toilet seat? Or you, know, talk to him - he’s your husband

Honestly if someone said or thought "I stacked the dishes WRONG" they could do the dishes forever stacking them right.

You like things organised and clean so do it yourself. Let him do the house how he likes.

Meet in the middle.

If someone washes up is there a wrong way of stacking the dishes?? That is an obsessive way of thinking. If that is really what you think then what else do you find wrong??

You chose poorly. You probably thought he would mature and change after marriage. That never happens.

The fact is you are married to a man who doesn't share your ideals, and that's not changing. You have years of frustration and misery ahead of you if you are unable to reach a compromise.

All I would say is if you don’t find a compromise you are going to spend the next 50 years doing every fucking thing

So

Agree a fair division of jobs (this will be revised when you go back to work)

Don’t do his for him, don’t comment on how he does them, don’t redo them afterwards.

Drop your standards. Especially when you go back to work you cannot have a show home and kids.

It’s this or martyrdom.

you also have to divide up free time

What if you give him a taste of his own behaviour?

Do yours & the baby's washing. He has no underwear? Doesn't matter. You'll do it tomorrow (if you've got time).

He wants you to run an errand which only benefits him. What a shame, you were looking after the baby. You might do it tomorrow.

He wants you to stay in for a delivery. No, you have plans so he can take the day off or rearrange it.

When he comes in from work & has had an hour chilling on the sofa, then it's your turn for a nice shower/bath/run/whatever whilst he looks after the baby.

Etc, etc.

He isn't laid back, he is just bone idle. He doesn't want to do any work around the house as he thinks it's your job.
He has no intention of doing anything later. It isn't a proper partnership when one person is left to do everything.
Question is are you going to put up with it?

You need to do him a ‘to do’ pile, if he says he’ll fix the taps later, get the new taps and the tools and put them somewhere, then put the toilet seat on top, new shelves? Put them with the other stuff, his clean washing? With his to do pile, insurance renewal? To do pile. Every single thing on his to do pile. At some point you will have to hold the line and not crack as it gets bigger and bigger , then you rename it his pile of shame. Some people need to see a physical reminder so they can’t go all manyana . Make sure you do not move it if people come over! Let them step over it . Sorry father in law try not to break your neck on Tony’s pile of shame etc etc . “ where’s the bathroom ?” “ oh down the hall and turn right at Tony’s pile of shame etc etc. Very frustrating for you I know .

Im in a very similar situation. After 20 odd years of marriage, I had the revelation that I’m not laid back, I’m lazy. I had this revelation from being around my family on holiday. They are all lazy, slovenly fuckers. I am a lazy, slovenly fucker. It makes sense.
On the other hand, my wife will criticise the way I do things, such as stacking dishes incorrectly, which is hardly an incentive.
So- I must resolve to be less lazy, and she must be more tolerant of me stacking the plates/folding the clothes/feeding the kids in a way that differs from hers.
I think it sounds like you have differing habits, and habits can be changed, often quite easily.