Argument

[Spacemonkey01]

My partner and I are having communication problems my normal day is I go to work at 8 get home, my partner is still working ( she works from home) and the first thing I say to her is how's your day been and is there anything you want or need from me.
She says no so I sit down and relax untill she finishes work about 5-5:30, then she starts making dinner around 6-6:30 and I ask her everytime before she starts cooking is there anything I can do to help yet again nope yet we end up arguing cos she is fed up with doing everything but here's the kicker when she cooks I wash up, every weekend the house gets cleaned by both of us same with the tv I always ask what you wanna watch and I get the same reply you choose so I do then a few weeks pass and we have an argument about how she doesn't have time to watch her shows and I always say tell me and I don't have a problem with her watching her programs, I'm starting to think it's not working out cos there's always a problem

There’s a few thoughts I have…
1)why don’t you just make dinner some nights. Why do you have to be asked?
2)it she seems dissatisfied generally could it be these small things are symptomatic of a bigger issue?

you need to have some direct talk. Really frustrating to deal with someone who reacts passive aggressively to things rather than being direct in addressing issues.

I second that you should just cook dinner some nights whilst she finishes work. Tell her which nights you will do this and do the planning and shopping for it yourself as thinking about what to cook is half the work I think

Whatever you’re arguing about, is not what you’re arguing about.

Perel says that the disconnect will be one of the following: control and power, respect, and care. (Or lack of.)

Why don't you start cooking the dinner while she finishes work?

She may be just getting on with it because that's the routine you're in. She obviously isn't happy with that routine though.

You need to decide what you're cooking, let her know you'll do dinner that evening and get on and cook it yourself. She doesn't necessarily need you to help with dinner. She needs you to take the initiative and cook it yourself sometimes.

I do cook some times thanks and yet "too late" or still not good enough

From what you’ve said she’s got a massive mental load. Get her to talk for 5 minutes none stop, about what’s up. Do not speak. Then say back what you’ve heard.

She says no so I sit down and relax untill she finishes work about 5-5:30, then she starts making dinner around 6-6:30 and I ask her everytime before she starts cooking is there anything I can do to help

Why don't you just start making dinner once you've sorted yourself out ? Surely you should split it 50/50, not just ask if she wants help? It's as much your responsibility as hers.

I do cook and we write a meals list every Sunday cos we order online Tesco's but I don't mind cooking at all

If you are genuinely doing half the tasks/work and she is just unhappy with how you do things then either…
*you’re doing an inadequate job (eg I had with my husband that he would ‘cook’ but whenever he did it was like frozen pizz while I’d be cooking a proper meal. Or he’d clean but do a really shit job and not finish it).

OR

*your partner doesn’t want to be with you or have some more major underlying beef that is coming out as things that seem more minor

or

*your partner is one of those people who is always negative and never happy and incapable to dealing with things directly. Sadly people like this are frustrating and unlikely to change. My mum is like this. Never happy with anything and always grumpy.

has she been like this a long time or is it new?

How often is ‘sometimes I cook’?

What about all the other chores that need doing in the week?

It must be one of the second 2 cos she is a celiac so we always cook fresh food from scratch ☹️

How were things when you first got together? What do you think/feel this is REALLY about? Do you still “date”?

She’s not your manager - you don’t ‘ask her’ if anything needs doing and await instructions. Have a think about what needs doing perhaps. This would drive me fucking mad you’re acting like a child

It does sound a bit like you're a passenger rather than taking the initiative.

NM I just asked her what the problem is in general and it turns out cos she is 12 years older than me she still doesn't understand why we are in a relationship or what we get from it ( as in I'm an active person who like doing outdoor stuff and she just likes going to a pub) and its not intimate enough for her(before we started going out I explained I don't have a sex drive), explains why she keeps trying to fop me of on to her friend that's my age so overall it's fucked

Whoa hang on. You don’t have a sex drive? So you don’t hVe sex? Or cuddle and kiss? And foreplay?

WTF? How old is she? Do either of you want children?

We do have sex not often but we do have cuddles and kisses all the time and no children

What is “not often”? In any event it’s not enough for her, so that need isn’t being met. But it is maybe coming out in dissatisfaction around cooking and TV, because they are easier to argue about than That Big Thing which will blow you apart.

Does she want children? You didn’t say.