I just don’t fancy my husband anymore?

[BruntilyHonest]

I have no one I can raise this issue with without judgement, so I need you all to help me here.

As the title says, I just don’t fancy my husband anymore. Each day he makes less and less of an effort to look after and take pride in his appearance and hygiene and more so everyday I feel like I’m trying to encourage him to take care of himself, to wash, to make an effort, to wear appropriate clothes etc. He used to make an effort and take pride in himself but he now really doesn’t care.

His teeth are left unwashed and his breath smells, his skin is greasy, his beard stinks and he constantly smells sweaty, he wears the most ridiculous outfits and I’m ashamed to admit that I’m utterly embarrassed.

I thought perhaps he was just down, needing some support, that he would pick up - but if I dare mention it to him, I get so much grief and no matter what I do, he’s just getting worse.

I love him, but I really don’t like him at the moment and I 100% do not find him attractive. If anything, it’s completely putting me off as personal hygiene is so important to me.

i don’t want to sleep with him as I just don’t find him attractive anymore and I don’t want his smelly body near me. It actually repulses me.

I miss my old husband, but I fear he is not coming back. He’s no interest in meeting my request to be cleaner and make more of an effort and I’m not willing to put up with it anymore…

is that it? Am I being unreasonable?

Have you sat him down at a time when you are both relaxed and in a fair mood, and spoken to him honestly about how it's making you feel?

Show him this post!

You’ve told him that he smells and requested that he takes action and he doesn’t. Sorry, but he does not respect you (or himself) by the sounds of it. Can anyone else talk to him (friend, child, parent)?

What preceded the change? Lockdown? An illness? Anything you can think of? Does he go out to work? How long has he been like this? He sounds severely depressed, being angry when you mention it is defensiveness. Does he get happy or excited about anything? What do his friends or family think?

I’d be as grossed out as you are but if my husband got like this I’d be incredibly worried. To go from normal levels of hygiene and self care to not even brushing your teeth is pretty major.

Is there another bed one of you could sleep in? You need to do something drastic and get him to face what’s going on.

It’s crap for you that he’s gross and you don’t fancy him and you have my sympathies but surely you’re worried about him too.

How long have you been together, and how long have you been married? Is there a possibility that this is who he really is, and he was waiting until you were 'his' and committed before being himself? Did he wear outfits like these before?

Could any of this be some kind of passive aggressive defiance regarding unresolved issues and resentments that he carries. As in 'She does xyz, so fuck it, I'm going to be as gross as I want just to spite her?' People are complicated and he might have mixed feelings about your relationship which is coming out like this.

I think it's clear that he doesn't really care what you think OP, for whatever reason. It's sad, because he'll probably push this to the absolute limit until you show signs of leaving, but if he changes, it won't be because he cares about how you feel. It will be because he is losing something that he wants to keep. Those two reasons, although they can be related, are not the same thing.

Wow… this hit hard, because I feel like he doesn’t respect himself or me and if I really pushed it he probably would just shower, but not out of respect, out of not losing something he wants.

to the others asking if I’m worried. I am worried, but he isn’t. He is quite happy to wallow in his unhygienic manner, snaps if I ever mention it and makes out I’m such a horrible person for having such “high standards” (I really don’t think they are that high?!) he will often accuse me of just trying to hurt his feelings, i genuinely hold back on so much to try not to hurt him - but I cannot live like this.

He is depressed, he has suffered for many years and gets treatment for it. This wasn’t the start of it. It just happened where he stopped caring what others thought of him. Now I’m embarrassed to introduce him to anyone.

I want my husband back, but I don’t think I can put up with this. My poor kids need to look up to him and he’s not showing them self respect

I have, many times. He very passively aggressively agrees to take more pride in himself, but it never happens. It’s exhausting.

out of not losing something he wants

Rubbish isn't it? I think everyone has a teeny tiny bit of them that's like this, but some people have it more than others, and it's frequently why women stay in relationships that are unpleasant.

he will often accuse me of just trying to hurt his feelings

I don't know you OP, but I'm confident that this is probably bullshit and an attempt to try and get you to shut up. If person a) knows that person b) is quite caring, an very effective way to get them back in their box is to accuse person b) of being insensitive, of being mean, a bully. They know it will hit them hard.

That, or it can be the action of someone who has an excessive amount of self-pity, and so it's possible he genuinely thinks this. But you know what OP? Sometimes the most sensitive, delicate petal flowers in life have the nastiest fucking thorns, and they often don't care who they hurt when it suits them. I've seen that before.

Is he on the same treatment for depression as what he was on before? Any other issues in your marriage that could be causing this attitude?

He’s not on the medication anymore as it made him completely emotionless and suicidal simultaneously, so I’ve always had to be super careful how I approach any issues with him and I always dread it, especially if I know it’s likely going to result in backlash.

He’s now on level three mental health treatment, but it doesn’t seem like this is depression causing this. He can make an effort for some other people / situations, he just won’t for me or anything important to me, like events. If I ever mention it, he’s exasperated and frustrated, makes out I’m such a nag.

He will push me so far and then when I’ve had enough and can’t take enough, he pulls back and gives me the guilt trip and says “he’s trying” I can literally act out what he’s going to say or do, it’s so repetitive…. But is it grounds for divorce?

Because of all of this, romance in our relationship is DEAD and I don’t think he misses it much. As long as he has his gaming and tv, he’s sweet.

I plan nice things for us to do, I book events and trips away and then I dread going with him because I know the stress it’s going to cause.

Should I just step back and let him be his natural self? Should I really step back and leave him to it? Or do I keep requesting he have more self respect? He doesn’t seem to think self respect matters… it’s clashing with my moral values at the very least

No other issues in the marriage, he’s a good dad aside from his self respect, he does his fair share of child raising / cleaning / cooking. No crazy binge drinking or bad behaviour in that sense - he’s everything I love in a man, except this sudden slip i over the past few years

I know clothes and appearances don’t meant anything to him, is it wrong for me to ask him to care about it for me?

Oh sweetheart, you have my sympathy. No real advice but this can’t continue. He doesn’t respect himself and he doesn’t respect you and he needs to understand you need more than this from your life partner x

I just don’t find him attractive anymore and I don’t want his smelly body near me. It actually repulses me.

Tells you all you need to know.

You know you are the decision-maker in your own life. Even if you don't believe it.

Maybe take a time out somewhere else to really decide how you want to continue the rest of your life....

Life is hard anyway, better to be alone than in a shit situation.

And alone is only alone until you meet lovely people who can help you turn your life around....

Wishing you the best for your future OP.

It sounds like you've already been trying to encourage him to take better care of himself.

There is only so much you can do without becoming an unbearable nag.

Lay it on the table 'I don't fancy you at the moment, you're not taking care of yourself.. please try and make an effort so we can get our spark back'

That gives him the chance to improve. If he doesn't, unfortunately it will be the end of the relationship as you say you are repulsed by him.
How long you give it is up to you but I'd want to be seeing change immediately. Life is very short.

Share a shower or bath with someone smelly and greasy? Really?

He's a grown man. You wouldn't let your kids get away with not brushing teeth and washing.

It sounds like you walk on eggshells should him op?