Want another baby but husband doesn't

[oldermummytobe]

Hi,

Just needing to vent, feel a bit selfish and many likely with say I'm being unreasonable, my husband and I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter however I have a nagging desire for a sibling for her. I suffer long history of anxiety disorder which is now controlled, but after a traumatic birth and anxiety relapse after she was born, we have categorically said 'no more'. However, I have just turned 40 and been having some bleeding problems which my GP has been supporting with. Turns out everything is fine, but my next option is ablation which apparently would prevent any possibility of another pregnancy. I also had a missed miscarriage last year, was unexpected pregnancy but was still upset.

The problem is, although I do love my husband, our relationship took a big hit during the birth and first few months of my daughters life. He really didn't react well to my anxiety relapse (it was quite serious) and although has since apologised, he has said he doesn't want the stress of looking after another child as he already feels permanently exhausted. I do agree that having a child has been exhausting, but I still feel the nagging pull for another. I have friends who are expecting their 2nd and 3rd and I now find myself feeling jealous! I am extremely grateful for having my daughter all the same.

Appreciate any friendly chat on this subject 🙂

Thanks xx

Gah I just typed a reply and it disappeared.

A tricky one, and very emotive especially if your biological clock ticking loudly in your ears.

Do you think some of your yearning to another is related to the traumatic birth of your first? To have another 'go' in the hope of a better experience? Apologies if I'm way off the mark here.

You are not unreasonable for wanting another baby but at the same time, your DH has vaid reasons and concerns to stick with 1. I can feel the sadness you feel when reading your post.

Thanks for your reply and kindness (was kind of expecting a backlash, don't know why!). Yes I am actually more sad about it than I realised and yes, a big part is me trying to put right what was a traumatic birth. I didn't bond with my daughter straight away and was in fight or flight mode. Feel lots of guilt and beat myself up alot!
Actually though I think deep down I know it's more sensible to not have another given my relationship with husband. He said he would only do it again if I could do 100% of the work, which disappoints me that he is basically saying 'go ahead but I'm not supporting you when things get tough'😒

Sorry for the offload to a stranger!

That's pretty shit of your husband to say he'll not support you if you have another child, I'm sorry to hear he's like that. Then, presumby you'd get the blame and he'd say 'told you so' if you became unwell? Not helpful of him.

I really wanted my kids to be born at home. Both were very medicalised, and the second was a proper emergency section. I'd give anything to have my dream home birth but I know there is no way I'd get that. I just want the birth experience, not the baby, if that makes sense.

Sometimes we need to let our head over-rule the heart, even if your heart screams no.

That actually sounds like your husband is pretty reasonable about the amount of (emotional) work involved and how feasible that would be for you guys. I am not sure how thinking with heart over head would lead to better outcomes in this one - though I sympathise that must be hard.