Feeling lost and full of doubt. Me (F44) And DH (M40) have been married for just over 7 years and have 2 DC (7 and 4) - in all honesty throughout our relationship there have been problems ranging from lack of communication, me being told I am a horrible person, him not liking my elder DC (now 21 and 20) him lying to me etc.
We have now reached a point where we are coexisting in the same house but rarely do anything together, he would rather go and visit him mum/brother numerous times a week that do anything with me and he leaves everything to do with the children to me in the evenings (he won't even try to get them to bed anymore as he claims they do his head in or just want me anyway) so I get no time to do anything for me or even the freedom to go out and do anything.
Today whilst sulking in bed he started to send me numerous messages on messenger moaning about how awful I am, how I am cold and distant and accused me of never wanting sex and this has continued throught the day whilst I am at work. It's not that I don't want intimacy, I just want more than that too… I value feeling loved and people spending time with me and actively seeking to know about my day/how I am etc. I can't bring myself to get intimate with someone who doesn't actually like me (he has told me this several times but always denies it even though it's been witnessed) and only wants to be near me/nice to me when he wants sex.
I have tried and tried to talk to him but he just won't listen, always turns everything around on me… I am cold, I am jealous, I am a terrible person.. he's even got me thinking I am until all my colleagues, friends and family tell me I am not. It's getting harder and harder to believe them though and I am just doubting everything I do and say when I am at home - I become a totally different person.. lack confidence, quiet, anything to keep the peace.. whilst outside of the house I am confident, funny and progressing really well with job :) my DH tells me I am depressed and I put on a front to everyone but him but I truly don't . At home I can't even joke around with my 21 year old as my DH doesn't get my sense of humour.. I am frequently told I hate everyone and everything and I am miserable but away from him I am not any of those things.
I am sad about they way everything has turned out, I never went into this marriage wanting it to fail, if we do go our separate ways it won't be easy with the little ones and working full time but as all my friends say I am very strong and I will be absolutely fine :)
I guess I just dread the fall out and having to work out what will happen with regards to our children. He once told me I was a horrible mother and he would take them and the house from me (nice hey?) But I am not a horrible mother, I do everything for our children and I am the one they will always come to if they need help, as re hurt or want a cuddle etc.
He has depression too, he tried to commit suicide just before the new year after he was acting so terribly to our then 6 year old the neighbours had to force their way and threatend to call the police. After this he sent a message to our GP who immediately put him on a low dose of anti depressants, since then he's chopped and changed types of meds, constantly missed doses then doubled his dose for a week (all without seeing a GP) then stopped the meds completely. I will wake up in the early hours sometimes to find him trying to remove my underwear or to find he's actually put his penis in my underwear and is rubbing up against me.. I tell him to stop and he gets all shitty with me!
This morning our children actually slept in later for the first time ever so I was enjoying finally getting some sleep as I had a bad night.. only for him to start trying to remove my underwear quite forcefully. I reminded him my period started yesterday and he started ranting away demanding a hand job - I ignored him and tried to get back to sleep but couldn't as I was on edge.
All he has done recently is go out and not really been nice to me at all. He's smoking loads (after lying for years that he wasn't and being caught out numerous times by me) - its not great that he smokes but it's his choice, but I don't like being lied to. He's also smoking weed and I've been told I just have to accept it as it's who he is. Everything about him, his opinions, how he treats and speaks to people, his addictive personality, lack of hygiene and laziness I am told I just have to accept. But he can't accept that I am in pain and not physically able to be intimate, can't accept that I deserve to be able to do something by myself or with friends.
I have suggested therapy in the past or talking to an independent 3rd party but all I get told is that I am the problem so need to sort myself out as there is nothing wrong with him.
Am I a terrible person, is it all me? I know I am not perfect and freely admit this I am just trying to do what's best for my children (and everyone) else but I am so wary of making a massive mistake :(
If you got to the end of this thank you, it probably makes no sense but I have to get this out of my head and I cannot burden my DC 21 and 20 with this, I should be setting them a good example not exposing them to all this crap :( I ignored so many things when I met DH that with hindsight I shouldn't have but we have 2 wonderful DC so I will never regret the relationship in that sense