If you are happily remarried…

[ColdLasagna99]

…do you ever wish you had met your current partner before your first marriage?

For context, my parents divorced when I left school, and one of them is getting remarried soon. I’m really happy for them, and their partner is fab, but feel a bit sorry for my other parent. There is an air of this marriage being the ‘real thing’, they’ve finally met the right person, etc etc. Both of them have essentially said as much, though I know they wouldn’t change us kids on either side. It feels a tiny bit… forced, and, to me, makes my childhood seem like a bit of a sham.

I am not a journalist or researcher btw, and I appreciate this is a sensitive topic. Just genuinely curious as I’m struggling to put the shoe on the other foot. (Not married yet and it’s quite a while away for me.)

Also, not referring to cases of DV or other abusive first partners in this. Just marriages where you grew apart or it didn’t work out.

OP

I think that unfortunately there's a fundamental difference of interests here.
I know you don't want to talk about DV but in a way 'the extreme proves the point.

My DP was physically (and emotionally/verbally etc.) abused by his ex continuously for over a decade. (So for him that was a dark decade that he has C-PTSD.)

On the other, their kids know about it all, and don't care. And keep bringing up the good old days, and are extremely offended at him moving on in any small ways etc etc. (Leaving aside the larger moving on such as myself.)

So basically the same thing / period of time can be very different for different people. And children will not accept that a parent will have found things difficult.

I think your parents wouldn't believed their marriage/relationship was the real thing at the time.

Now their current relationship feels like the real thing and in the present time feels superior.

That's not to say that in 10/20/30 years time theyll see it that way

For example, I had a bf at 19 who I was head over heels with at the time, in hindsight im my 30s I then wondered if I ever really loved him. Married my exH certain he was the one and in comparison the relationship with my ex bf seemed much less intense. Marriage didn't end well and I'm now with a new partner and would describe that as my best relationship.....until it's not 😂

Op I don’t ever want to get married again but I’m in a happy relationship. In my opinion my marriage was the right person and the time and we both changed, didn’t cope with the pressures of children etc. i would hate for my children to feel like that marriage was wrong or not the real thing because it was.

My relationship now is completely different, we’re both older, have learnt from our mistakes, and we don’t have pressure to move in together or have children. We do intend to spend the rest of our lives together but will move in when it’s right for my dc mainly.

I suspect if I’d met dp 20 years ago instead of exh the relationship still would’ve gone wrong because I would not have the experience in relationships and resolving conflicts and dealing with stress.

I think my partner now is a better fit for
Me then my ex. If i was the gushy type i guess i might carry on about finally finding the one.

But i dont have any wish to rewrite history. No regrets for marrying my ex. Before it went bad we had a lot of good times and we did adore each other at the beginning. There is noone else i wish id had my kids with. Hes a great dad and was only an ok husband. But hes a good person.

I actually knew my current partner before i met my ex. And we weren't interested in each other then. So just shows!

I'm his second wife. My DH's first marriage was a bit of a disaster--she got pregnant 3 weeks after they first met, they moved in together and it lasted about 3 years with them getting married after about one year.

We've been married for over 30 years, my DSD still makes it clear she thinks her parents were love's young dream and she'd be thrilled if he left me to go back to her mother.

My current husband was at my first wedding because we were good friends. We had even dated briefly. I was just an idiot.

Thanks for your perspective. Could you elaborate more on the conflict of interests? I’m not upset that my parent is getting remarried or moving on - life would be tough if I was. What I’m struggling with is the happy-clappy narrative around the new marriage, and the apparent discounting of the previous one(s).

My upbringing (and therefore parent’s marriage) was not perfect, and there was abuse present throughout. I knew this even as a child. I didn’t want to mention DV as I know survivors who, of course, would not wish to repeat that experience.

Thank you for other perspectives as well - that’s exactly what I was after. :)

I think some couples are unhappy, but stay together as they think it's best for the children to not have the upheaval. I know several couples right now who are doing exactly this. And they probably are genuinely happier with new partners, if they find them, the second time around. But that doesn't mean that they don't love their kids. I think in the cases I know, it's precisely because of the kids that they stick it out. That's not to say I agree with that approach, but that's the one they've chosen!

My parents divorced when I was young, and openly detested each other for the most part, so both ways have their pros and cons! 🫣🤣

Haha this is like something from a romcom Glad you found your way to each other eventually!

My XP used to say that he wished he’d met me sooner, but then caveat that with “but then I wouldn’t have my kids, and you wouldn’t have yours, and we probably would have never met anyway because xyz”

and I’d just think “can’t you leave it at I wish we’d met sooner?!”

Sometimes things just click and you realise this is what real happiness feels like (but actually you probably felt like that at the start of the previous relationships too!!) so you just want to make sure they know that while they’re second, they’re not second best. I never quite felt like that because my XP always had to take it back to his kids etc.

I know there’s a school of thought that every single decision you made has brought you to this point and that if any one thing has changed, you may never have met, but that makes it all feel very transient and accidental, so I can see why people feel the need to anchor a second marriage with the idea that this one is the real thing, not the replacement.

Not me,
my sister settled for her 1st husband. Lovely guy as he is she knew she didn’t really love him.
2nd husband of 18 years is a totally different matter.

OP

I think your post is an example.
You as the child discount the abuse.

My DP - while outwardly very stoic (as likely ND) - was deeply, negatively affected by it (in his case).
"Interests" here is a bit of a formal way of putting it:
It's in my DPs kids Interest - as they don't care about their dad having been abused - to be able to refer to the decade of the relationship as a golden age, as that's what they want it to be.
It's not in my DP's Interest to have to think of that time as anything but a horrible decade that ended up giving him C-PTSD. Having to pretend would make him sick.

I think you’ve misunderstood me. I’m not asking anyone to romanticise the past, but to simply acknowledge it happened.

I have been told, implicitly and explicitly, that my parent would have been happier if they had not rushed in to marrying the other parent 30 odd years ago. That makes me feel like shit, because it makes me feel unloved and unwanted, and as a result I’m finding it hard to be as glowingly overjoyed as everyone else about the wedding plans. That’s why I asked for opinions from others, as I’m aware that my emotional investment makes me less objective. That’s also why I’m venting these feelings on a forum, and not to my family, who I love very much.

My parents’ experiences of their marriage is their own, but I am entitled to my own perceptions and feelings of my upbringing. I genuinely think it’s selfish of my parent to have not considered how these comments might make me feel.

I’m sorry for what your DP has gone through and wish you all the best.

Yes I absolutely do wish I had met my DH at 18 instead of my exh. He abused me physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially, sexually, there was coercive control and gaslighted me. It was horrific and my mental health is horrendous. There is lots I don't want to write here though. If I had met my wonderful husband we would have been together since then and built a much better life.

But surely OP you can see that in my DP's case he would say he wishes he'd never met his ex, never married her, etc?
And that his life would have been immensely better in that case?

That is the truth, and no amount of someone else wanting that kept hidden, swept under the carpet, makes it not true. And my DP shouldn't have to not say it given that it's true and affecting him to this day.

You’ve missed the point of my post.