Confusing signals from ex

[Rdc349]

Hi all, I’m a man needing some advice here as I’m struggling to decipher what is going on.

my ex and I have separated 6 weeks ago after a couple of other break ups (many life stresses including a new baby, new job, pay cuts, house move etc) but we both say we still are in love with each other/love each orher

a week or so after she then came to me and suggested spending time together as a family and seeing where that took us as her ideal was to be back together. This was then followed up with she doesn’t know if she will want to be back together.

last week my sister and ex spoke as I’d been struggling with things and my ex told my sister she loves me more than anything, the following day she sent me a video of “our song” and asked me to go to her cousins leaving party this weekend and said she might want to wear her engagement ring to show it off. She also said to me “remember at the party, everything is fine, we’re better than we’ve ever been”.

but she still isn’t giving me any indication as to what she wants long term and all these different things are really confusing to me and every time I try to speak to her about it she shuts down.

I’ve been very clear I want us to be back together but I’m not sure what’s happening here 🤷🏻‍♂️

To me, she's messing you around.

She's telling you how you're stronger than ever before you go to a party as she doesn't want you to potentially meet someone imo.

She probably likes the thought she could click her fingers and you would still come running.

It sounds like manipulative and unfair behaviour.

If it were me I'd work out a way of co-parenting with clear boundaries and a clear break in place. If it transpires you do both want to try again fair enough, but I'd see how you both feel after a proper and more fair set-up apart.

So the party we’re attending is together, it’s a family event

In that case, that does put a different spin on things.

Were you having problems before the baby?

It sounds like a time of lots of change, maybe she's not quite sure where things are headed. It's probably confusing not knowing where you stand though.

I'd take things really slow, for both your sakes.

We had our problems like any couple but nothing abnormal.

I want to take things slow, I think if we rush it’s bound to fail so I’m comfortable going slowly. But these things mean a lot to me, specifically the engagement ring, so I just don’t know how to read her actions

I think she's fucking with your head. Instructing you how to behave and act at a family event, telling you what feelings you're allowed to feel and display? Big red flag.

I think she's trying to keep you on a string in case other options don't work out for her. If the sexes were reversed I'd be posting "cherchez la femme". sorry.

Op I think you need to prepare to move on. She is being cruel. When my ex announced the relationship was over he also gave mixed messages including visiting his relatives at Christmas / New year as a happy family. I was walking on eggshells, being the perfect wife, trying to make him want me again.

I acted desperate and probably turned him away even more. I read a million how to fix a relationship blogs and it seems to me the best thing you can do is be the person she fell in love with. So don’t be clingy, desperate or needy. See dc and coparent well and tell her the mixed messages is too painful and you won’t be playing happy families. Maybe go ‘no contact’ for all issues other than the dc. Stop following her on social media and focus on doing things for you - gym, clubs, reconnect with old friends etc. If she wants you back tell her you need a joint plan that you both buy into as equal partners. If she isn’t willing for that then there is someone out there who is more suitable.

So to put some further context, we’d had bad arguments for quite a few months and she said she wanted space to just feel happy again. She says she’s no intention of meeting someone else and can’t imagine life without me

I don’t believe for a second she’s met someone else

last week my sister and ex spoke as I’d been struggling with things and my ex told my sister she loves me more than anything, the following day she sent me a video of “our song” and asked me to go to her cousins leaving party this weekend and said she might want to wear her engagement ring to show it off. She also said to me “remember at the party, everything is fine, we’re better than we’ve ever been”.

She's completely manipulating you.

Sending the song was emotionally manipulative to evoke your feelings of love for her.

The engagement ring comment was emotionally manipulative because it offers you hope without any assurances.

The last comment about how to behave at the event is emotionally manipulative because its essentially a covert threat - do as I say and everything might be ok. Otherwise...

If she loved you and wanted to be back together with you them she would have preferred consideration for your feelings and wouldn't leave you feeling confused. It's a bit of an ego boost for her amd she likes the feeling of being in control. There's probably also a bit of her that would like to be back together for the ease of things. But the manipulation element of this would have me heading in the other direction if I'm honest.

Well I won’t lie, this is painful to read. But thank you for you honesty.

she had invited me this week to do things with her and my son as I know she was worried about how I was feeling so I really didn’t want to believe she was manipulating me given she knew how low I was.

The manipulation might not he entirely conscious.

She is probably wrangling with this as much mentally as you are. She'll be thinking of her son, thinking of your feelings and thinking about what she wants.

She may be ensuring you don't lose interest and decide to call and end to it yourself by doing these things.

She might have people pleasing tendencies aand be trying to make herself OK with a relationship she isn't really OK with deep down.

She might be feeling insecure and uncertain about a future alone and scared of making that final break.

But all of those things, or whatever her reason is, it's not good for you or doing you any favours.

And it doesn't mean it's not manipulative. She's trying to retain control of the situation so that you don't make a decision before she does or before she is ready for ypu to do so.

But she's not communicating effectively or proactively with you, which is why you are left with this uncertainty. I wouldn't want to live like that. Do you? Really?

Maybe it's time for a 'shit or get of the pot' conversation...

“Op I think you need to prepare to move on. She is being cruel. When my ex announced the relationship was over he also gave mixed messages including visiting his relatives at Christmas / New year as a happy family. I was walking on eggshells, being the perfect wife, trying to make him want me again.

I acted desperate and probably turned him away even more. I read a million how to fix a relationship blogs and it seems to me the best thing you can do is be the person she fell in love with. So don’t be clingy, desperate or needy. See dc and coparent well and tell her the mixed messages is too painful and you won’t be playing happy families. Maybe go ‘no contact’ for all issues other than the dc. Stop following her on social media and focus on doing things for you - gym, clubs, reconnect with old friends etc. If she wants you back tell her you need a joint plan that you both buy into as equal partners. If she isn’t willing for that then there is someone out there who is more suitable.”

This sounds like very good advice to me.

I just don’t know how to read her actions

So don't have a relationship with her. Find someone who makes sense to you, rather than someone who puzzles you. Then your relationship will make sense, rather than being puzzling.

I hear you, but I’m not so prepared to walk away from my family while there’s a chance and ultimately I do still love her

Most women hate doormats and I expect you're wearing your heart on your sleeve.

Pull back, minimise communication and stick to boundaries that make you happy. A relationship shouldn't be all on one person's terms.

Currently dancing to her tune isn't working. If it doesn't work then she is merely messing you around.

Thank you for this

She has said if we have a chance at working we need to be happy and right now we’re not happy together. Right now she’s unprepared to have a further conversation. She’s told me sister that if I’d backed off this could be sorted by now. My sisters response was that it’s a lot of mixed messages.

Have a think about why you love someone who's manipulating you in a variety of ways, including telling you what you can and can't do in public.

Why do you think this is?