Is there shame in divorce these days?

[bunnytailbreakfast]

Hoping for some insight.

To give some background. DH welcomed twin girls in the world this time last year. They are our only children and it has been a challenging year, but they are our world.

However over the years it feels DH and I are just drifting further and further away. We bicker and argue over the silliest things. We seem to want different things for our future (both agree on wanting what's best for our girls)

It's getting to the point where things feel like there's no improving and this weekend he's going to go to his Mums for the weekend to give us some space.

If I'm honest I wonder if divorce/house sale and move might be easier when the girls are younger as opposed to when they're a little older and aware of what's happening...

I can't help feeling this dragging feeling in my head that there's a sense of shame/failure in divorce.

For context, I grew up with parents (catholic) who had a very volatile relationship. Despite being very obviously incompatible my Mum talked about divorce like it was something that people just didn't do and if they did then they had somehow let the family down. My Mum, unlike me, was financially dependent on my father which likely had a big bearing on this.

I just wonder what people think of divorce these days? I have lots of married friends yet only one couple who has started divorce proceedings so it seems difficult to gauge

No shame here! Best thing I ever did & we're all much happier now, including exDH.

As an institution marriage is dead really. No fault divorce is the final nail in the coffin.

The whole thing needs a rethinking in my opinion. Achieving equality in the family home and outside of it.

I think things have moved so fast in recent times that some of the more traditional ideas around family are well behind.

Can I ask, how long did it get you both to reach that point of happiness?

I know I want a break from constantly feeling let down and arguing, but equally the thought of not seeing my husband every day makes me really sad....

Divorce is much more common for parents on multiples.

Have you tried working on the relationship? The first year after a baby is tough on any relationship. Add in twins, you need longer to recover. See how you feel in a years time when it gets easier.

No shame at all, my youngest was 3, eldest 11 this was 12+ years ago, it was hard but I regret nothing & I know that they would say their parents are so much happier apart, in fact my youngest can never actually remember us together!!

The funny thing is OP, externally I don't think anyone will judge you for your decision but somehow, as much as I rationalised this in my own situation, I still felt shame.; it was me carrying the baggage. I think that's because there's a mixture of disappointment and sadness, all of which are closely related. Please try not to fall into the same trap.

I think I just feel so embarrassed, embarrassed that the husband I thought adored me would do that, and embarrassed that I didn't end it there and then.

I just feel so sad at the thought of all the time I spent with someone who feels like a stranger now

Be kind to yourself. You had good reasons not to end it and you've tried.

I stayed with exH for 5 years after I found he was using webcam gis for private shows. It was for similar reasons - young children, i loved him, I felt ashamed as if I must have made him feel unwanted.

The trust was gone and actually that was the end of the marriage, it just took time to be able to leave.

After we split in mediation I found he'd been spending on webcams again (maybe he never stopped) and felt like a complete mug. I wish I'd left earlier as it was much messier later.

This is all on him, not you. Maybe get a counsellor yourself to talk it through with? I think most relationships would be over if a partner was signed up for escorts, you have nothing to feel ashamed for.

No, not much at all. I come from a 'religious' background and my parents were really supportive, as was everyone else around me. If anyone was judegemental they kept it to themselves.

But, even if some people are judgemental, is their opinion of you more important to you than your own happiness and wellbeing? So what if some people judge? You can choose to ignore them. People who care for you will want you to be happy.

And noone has a right to judge. They don't know what's gone on in your marriage.

No, no shame in it at all nowadays. Similarly, there's no point to marriage. It's all rooted in outdated religious dogma.