Friendship advice

[W1tty]

Me and friend didn't talk for 6 months and things feel weird now between us. I rather not end things, text her if we can put this weird stuff behind us and that I don't like this weird energy and we should be getting excited talking to eachother again after such a long break, that I wanted to see when she was free so we could have a talk like we used to back in the old days (like between 2016-2021). She ended things the start of July at my first message to her in the 6 months because I wasn't always the nicest to her plus she's a slow texter and still recovering over her ex of over a year ago (a week later we became friends again after I appologized and gave her space and appologized in a phone call aswell). I was there for her a little bit with texting and phone calls galore and a few times seeing eachother for a couple months but I then vanished and always tell her i'll seeya in a couple months, sometimes I say next summer (and it's the summer I say it) so that's also probably why, but that's the old me doing dumb stuff like that.

Just want us to be like we used to be... (i'm a male btw). I miss my friendship! When I text her that she said "Thanks hon for the beautiful message, i'll get back at you soon". I'm going to change because I don't want all my different types of relationships to suffer from a pattern I am seeing. Just looking for some advice from you awesome women here.

Oh right she hates when I dissapear, she's literally said in a choked up voice "I text you when you disapear" when I needed a break from the friendship when it was lopsided and she wanted me to take a small break and was getting sad. Another time was like I said, texting/calling her lots in a few months when I founbd out she broke up with her guy because I wanted her to be OK! she seemed like she was doing good so I said "i'll message you in a couple months" on the phone and she replied "no message and call me and i'll message and call you" in the same choked up voice. She wont ever admit she doesn't like it when I leave for a while, but I already know she does.

I think this sounds like a made up post, but I'll reply anyway.
Just leave it. You messed her around and ruined the friendship. It's not going to be the same and she doesn't have to return to the friendship when you click your fingers. She has free will. You can't make her change her mind, she will change it if she wants to.

Be a better person in your next friendship.

This... sounds confusing and exhausting.

Show up regularly for your friends. Don't disappear on and off. Be nice to your friends, not mean. Put effort in, and consistently so.

Not made up at all, I swear. Just curious but what's ruined about it? Wanna learn for my other relationships. I'm not always bad and I only recently learned I was bad. A lot of the time I give her positive uplifting texts or talks on the phone...we used to have 3-4 phonecalls a month but just had our first in 10 months recently. She helped me in a dark place in my past back in 2016 (doctors and she was always there) and I have helped her in her dark place in 2017 (landed in hospital and take time off, I was always there) and it has been an awesome friendship off and on since.

Yeah I told her I need to go back to therapy. Normally when I disapear it's for 2-3 months max. Is this friendship fixable? she doesn't really wanna see me she was saying although she will try giving me a time, she thinks we are fine with phonecalls and texts but we normally only see eachother 2-3 times a year (more if she's going through hard times)

It's ruined because you weren't "always the nicest to her". She has made a decision about what she wants her life to look like and the sort of people she wants in it.

She wants people in it who are nice to her.

She's keeping you low contact and at a distance because of the way you have behaved towards her and she's allowed to do that.

The problem you are experiencing currently is that age old male entitlement. You think that because you want her to be your friend she should be.

I would suggest that, if you don't want all of your relationships to follow this pattern, you try being kinder and more respectful to your friends 🤷🏻‍♀️ crazy idea, I know...

It sounds like you don’t know how to be a proper friend. It sounds like you play games with her. Why were you unkind to her sometimes? Why do you do vanishing acts on her? This isn’t how friends treat each other. Your friendship may or may not recover but at least learn from this about how to treat your friends.

So what should I do about this particular friend? It's always been a pretty 1 sided relationship where I have to text first, or ask to call and she does it or I do which is why I tend to float in and out. We never did tend to see eachother much and always told me she has no time for monthly visits but recently looked at her facebook (I don't have it) and she hangs around her female friends monthly for dancing.

By mean to her I don't mean I call her names or anything...like our last recent phone call that was 5 minutes (normally they are 45-60 minutes) she said she doesn't wanna hang out with me but she will try and she doesn't care if we don't stay in touch much (which is the total opposite of our past) I text her if I am wasting my time trying to be friends because what she was saying. She just said sorry for the short 5 minute call, she tends to squeeze too much into her day sometimes and she doesn't know what to say.

So what should I do about this particular friend

Same as with any other friendship or relationship: Make it clear what you want, and keep her in your life if it's something she can offer. She will do the same for you, and your friendship will survive or not, but at least you'll stop sounding like a child.

Are you an adult, OP?

It's 1 sided and I get exhausted so I tend to leave against her wishes for a couple months and do my own thing so I am not totally frusterated. This time I left for 6 months, text her I would message her in the summer. Not really a game player, we would have long phone calls and sometimes make her cry in them, like this 1 time because what she did for me in the past I told her I hope if she's ever surrounded by darkness that I hope her light shines so bright and leads her in the right direction and when she was helping me in my dark times she was my light in my darkness and how much I appreciate her.

I just tend to tell her my honesty. While things seem pretty bad now, it seemed to have started when I was around her after her breakup for a couple months making sure she was doing ok. So I typically started texting her quite often and we started having lots of phone calls and seeing eachother, she even surprised me with wanting to see me this 1 time for a walk around the ocean area letting her emotions out. She even said to me "I surprised you with this didn't I?" and I said "Yes, I would not mind more of these", then we got really close and she seemed like she was doing alright, and I said I would reach out in a couple months and she said "no message and call me and I will message and call you" in an upset voice on the phone.

I am 38, normally a loner but I am trying to change my life ever since she friend dumped me and I went into a depressive mode.

Not really a game player

But you are. You're here posting because you want to find a new strategy on how to play the game.

Why do you want to be friends with someone who causes you this much drama? Why not just walk away?

Generally adults aren't 'friend dumping' each other. They recognise what they want/need, and they choose to spend their time with people who offer those things, or spend their time alone, when that's their preference. Why not try that?

She doesn't want to be your friend, she's clearly told you this a few times just not bluntly.

You need to treat people more kindly going forwards.

You’re not always nice to her.

You’re inconsistent and unreliable.

That’s called being a crap friend. Leave her alone and definitely get back into therapy.

OK based on that, I'd say she's being pretty clear that she doesn't want to be friends with you anymore.

Maybe it's the historical friendship/support that makes it hard for her to just cut contact completely, maybe she feels that would be unkind, maybe she fears your reaction. I don't know but she is communicating loud and clear that, for whatever reason, she isn't your friend anymore. You just don't want to hear that so you're looking for another possibility.

I'd just stop contacting her if I were you. The friendship is over.

I just want things to go back to normal. True, life is game aka a strategy to get what you want, I’m generally looking for a strategy. I got weak game clearly but I wanna create my reality instead of be a slave to my thoughts. I figure if she don’t wanna be friends she would completely cut me out, rather then take me back and say she just had an emotional outburst, she knows I treat her bad, told her I was really sorry and she said “I know you are” and stuff and forgave me, but I want my 1 and only friend back.

Maybe your friend knows she deserves better than a friend who treats her appallingly and dissapears off for months. It's not normal behaviour op. Leave her alone.

But your 'normal' is to drop in and out of the friendship at will. Regardless of how she feels about it.

Why aren't you ok with her dropping out when she feels like it?

Why is she your '1 and only friend'? You're 38. Haven't you made other friends? If not, why haven't you?

I figure if she don’t wanna be friends she would completely cut me out

Why do you figure this? In relationships, it's necessary to state that it's over. In friendships, pulling away is enough. Why do you need her to specifically say it to you? She's making it clear, but you're not taking the hint.

I don’t think a few months is a problem. 6 months? Yeah, that’s a problem but I don’t typically think a few months not talking would be frowned upon. Seems to be typical for adult relationships because of busy lives. She tells me to stay in touch, so I generally do…I don’t ignore her for months, she doesn’t reach out either, never really has not been her thing even at our closest. But has a problem apparently with me not doing it…staying in touch, what does it normally mean anyway? Always confuses me even told her as much, I just talk when I wanna talk…sometimes lots sometimes not.

I don’t have friends because I’m a loner, I need to work on that part of me. I also need someone to actually tell me to go away, not a mind reader. As she is my only friend my needs are all on her so when I’m not getting what I want I get upset, but that’s why I need more friends so I don’t have every need on 1 person only.

She’s busy with her career and her family. She does deserve better, I’ll agree with that.

I went through a serious trauma and I mean serious. I ghosted some friends for different reasons, not wanting gossip, stirring, because I didn’t have the emotional energy to explain, one friend turning my issues into her issues etc lockdown as a good excuse. Coming out the other side after therapy I have reevaluated some stuff there are friends I want to ditch despite a massive conversation 6 months ago about how she was always using me and never rang me - she yet again used me and when she suggested meeting up I said no. She sent a card and rang on my birthday I have not replied.

to be honest your relationship you sound like really hard work. Dealing with mental health - fine but you have to accept so are other people and just because you are back ‘on’ they might not be.

either you want a consistent two way friendship or you don’t if you do - you have to see if she does

send a card or email and be honest about yourself and how you have treated her - you can not go back

I don’t think a few months is a problem. 6 months? Yeah, that’s a problem

But these are your criteria. You do get that not everyone is the same as you, don't you? And that if someone has a different set of criteria from yours, it doesn't mean they're wrong?

You keep writing about what she wants. But your life isn't about what other people want. You want something from her, and she's not giving it to you. She's not obliged to give it to you. You are obliged to choose people who do things in a way you like and respect. People who offer you what you want from them. It's called 'looking after yourself'. Currently you're doing the friendship equivalent of spending your time in the fruit and veg shop, getting frustrated because they won't sell you a steak.

Just move on.

I think your friend has been clear about what she can and will offer this friendship. She told you.
But because its not what you want, you want her to change her mind?
You get annoyed or angry if you don't get what you want?
It seems to me that you fucked up, and are blaming her......

Thanks anyway, just wanted some other perspective for the situation, this is only my side of the story anyway. Hope you all have a blessed day, stay awesome!

Can’t even be bothered to analyze this ridiculous post