I posted in mid June about my relationship which was perfect aside from a lack of real touch and intimacy and ultimately sex. I had the post removed though as there were issues with name changes.
If you remember the post I just wanted to come on with a positive update. If you don't remember but want some background then me and DP are late 30s, together 5 years. I had 3 kids prior and he had 1, no kids together. There has been a lack of physical touch and intimacy in the relationship for quite a long time now. Sex was always tricky as we struggled to have alone time. This bothered me way more than it seemed it did for him. I've persevered with things for this long because he is a very wonderful human in all other aspects. It felt like we were best friends really. He seemed to not like to be touched or cuddled, avoided kissing beyond a peck on the lips and would just avoid touching or cuddling me. Sex would happen, but twice a year, maybe 4 at a push. In short it just didn't seem to bother him. As a result I was left feeling starved of affection. When we did have sex it felt awkward to the point we both closed our eyes, almost like we couldn't look at each other. It was really shit. Not that he was shit, but that it felt disconnected and not what sex was about for me.
Our love languages are totally different. He shows his love through his actions. He is always there for us, incredibly loyal, would do anything for me and my children. He does the housework, the childwork, the running around. He'd do anything I asked really. Where as I am all about words of affirmation and physical touch.
A lot of the replies talked about the usual things that of course you question, gay, asexual, etc etc but none of those things fitted. I know his past and he is pretty sexually experienced too. I also know some of why sex was so infrequent (teacher working very very long hours term times, goes to bed before 9pm all week, leaves house at 6am, plus teens and younger kids in the house meaning there was never any great privacy).
After I posted I decided to give it a little longer before taking action and see what happened. A couple of changes were happening. The first one was that DP had been losing weight and feeling better in himself. I know he found stamina hard when he was bigger. I also know he disliked his body larger too (I fancied him just the same!). There was also the summer holidays approaching. My eldest had just moved out temporarily and there was finally likely to be some "us" time. A lot of replies were along the lines of that I'd have to accept being in a sexless relationship or leave. But I really hoped that something would change.
So what happened was this... we went away for a weekend in early July. It was truly the most relaxing weekend we have ever had. It was a family event with DPs huge family. We had so much fun for the whole weekend. Once the kids were in bed upstairs (big house hired out for the whole family) we all gathered in the bar area of the house. DP had quite a bit to drink (I don't drink, so as a result he rarely drinks either) and we had absolutely amazing (silent!) sex. Twice. And again the next night after we stayed up til 3am dancing downstairs. It was like his inhibitions just dropped thanks to the alcohol. There was touching, hand holding, and just general relaxed behaviour around intimate gestures for the whole weekend. I did keep in the back of my mind that this was just the drink at play.
However (!) this continued once we were home (minus the alcohol obviously!). We had sex more times in the last 5 weeks than we have in the last 5 years quite honestly. He has gone from finding touch uncomfortable to really enjoying it. I have found ways he likes to be touched, and he seems to be really in to it! I think he just didn't give it a chance beforehand as he didn't really allow me to do it. He'd swat my touch away prior.
We went away on holiday a couple of weeks ago and when the kids went to kids club we ran back to the hotel room like teenagers and had absolutely mind blowing sex. Nothing like I've ever experienced with him. It was truly leg shaking, him giving me multiple orgasims kinda stuff. He still continued to hold my hand and show intimate gestures in public, and when I told him things I liked, he made a note of them and has continued them even now we have been home a while.
I feel like we are truly in a new place in our relationship. I am so fucking happy right now. The intimacy is much improved. Something I did say to him whilst we were away was why did he only ever kiss me passionately during sex. He looked at me rather baffled and said why would you want to get yourself all excited and horny by kissing like that when you know you can't have sex. It was a revelation to me. I had no idea he felt like that about kissing. I explained to him that kissing, touch, any kind of intimacy does not have to lead to full blown sex. Those things feel good just on their own. They aren't exclusive to having sex. I think something in him clicked. I'm not sure if he thought that I'd want sex every time he kissed me or we did anything at all. But now he kisses me like I want to be kissed. Every single day. And I love it. Absolutely love it.
I know it hasn't been long since things changed, and I know reality will hit again when school starts back. But right now I have real hope that we will be okay. That we both understand each other better and that the missing piece for me has been found. If it goes again, I know we will find a way back.
So yeah, a good update and perhaps a little hope if anyone else is struggling with similar issues.