Relationship when you both have DC. Possible?

[Billi77]

Yes we both have DC and yes we just broke up after 2.5 years. We don’t get to spend any time together ever. Is there any point trying to claw it back? We can’t meet each other’s needs but are very much in love. Would love to hear how on earth anyone has ever made this work?

It depends on a lot of factors - do any of the kids spend time with their other parent? Are they similar ages, do they get on with each other and you two? Do you live nearby? Do your work patterns/shifts align?

My ex and I managed to spend 3 nights a week together when his kids stayed with their mum. Once they stopped going it became harder to keep it going. We used to meet up at lunchtimes too, as he worked near me. WFH put a stop to the lunchtime meet ups, which was a shame, but as the DCs got older and could be left home alone in the evenings we were able to be a bit more flexible about date nights.

He had become part of my family but I was never part of his, which he was resentful about, but he never really did anything to help.

We split for other reasons but for a long time we enjoyed the balance of time apart and together. I would have liked a partner who was around more, someone to be a real team with, but his circumstances wouldn’t facilitate that and we didn’t want the kids to have the upheaval of moving in together.

I’m a single mum to my DD, 6, so apart from the occasional sleepover, is hard to get away. She has 2 DC and is divorced from their dad. He has been away all summer so she’s been sole parenting. We both live in same town, opposite ends. Our DC are very different ages, her DS9 has special needs and her DD13 is, well, 13… my DD adores her so not quite sure how to break the news. I get on well with her DD despite the general adolescent mood swings. Just had a disastrous attempt at a holiday where we were staying in different flats in same small town (my family hometown in Italy where I have help with DD). Still didn’t get to have any intimate time apart from one night, despite her bringing her parents for extra childcare. It just amplified how impossible this all feels. I felt I need to back off while she also feels I don’t let her in. We’re both exhausted.

I'm trying to navigate this now and it's really hard with dc involved but trying to arrange day time dates

It’s really really hard

Would love to hear how on earth anyone has ever made this work

By meeting each others' needs. It's about emotional and practical compatibilities. Is it emotional or practical needs you're not meeting for each other?

Both I’d say at this point. Meeting the practical needs feels like walking through a tangled maze where there are DC. I just don’t see how emotional needs can be met when it’s that hard. She also dumped me by phone while my DD was in the room trying to say hello to her. Hers had gone to stay with their Dad so she had the luxury of being alone. The whole thing is feeling extremely painful right now. Am resorting to anger at just how self centred that felt.

Am resorting to anger at just how self centred that felt

You've phrased this interestingly. Why do you feel you're 'resorting' to anger? Why does anger not feel like the appropriate emotion?

Maybe we were lucky, but honestly, having DC was never a negative thing for us. It's been a long time and they are all adults now, and the best of friends. We slotted together as a blended family very easily.

We put the children's feelings and needs first, at every stage as we built our relationship. We did (and still do) things alone with our own children, and together as a group.

Not saying it's always easy, but yes it can work, if you have an otherwise sound relationship.

Tends to cloud my judgement.