This must be the end

[Venting77]

Me and my partner have been together about four years and lived together for 2. We have had to deal with really difficult life issues together and I am dependant on him for emotional support and physical support for a health condition I have (it's not a disability but causes anxiety and pain). I am financially independent. We have also been trying to conceive for over a year and still are but I seem to have difficulties doing this (I am over 40). Over the past few months our relationship has really been on the rocks with constant arguing. A couple of times it turned physical with things like throwing things and shoving (on both of our parts, though he is quite a bit stronger than me), nobody was ever hurt. We can both be very stubborn and neither likes to give way. I feel however that he is getting more and more irritable with me over insignificant things. I often feel like he doesn't give a shit about me and when I disagree with something he says I am argumentative and makes it about my character. He has high blood sugar so I have attributed his irritability partially to that. It is making us both miserable and I realize we don't behave maturely but we can't really fathom breaking up. It's also difficult to have a serious conversation because it inevitably leads to one blaming the other.
Today we had another argument over something quite stupid in the kitchen, I stridently pushed past him to get something off the shelf and he shoved me in return so that I lost my balance and fell. I left the house quite upset and am spending the night in a hotel. It's not even the fact that he pushed me that I find upsetting it's that he didn't even apologise, probably because he believes that I provoked him. I am devastated at the thought that this may be the end of the road for us. I moved countries to make this relationship work and don't have many friends here, we both wanted a child, but somewhere along the way something broke and I don't know if there is a way to put it back together. It really breaks my heart and it gives me anxiety. It probably also means I won't ever have children. So I just wanted to vent while I am in this hotel room. I don't really know what to do.

I’m so sorry, that sounds awful. Physical aggression of any type is never ok. If you’re shoving him first then you can’t be surprised if he shoves back, but neither of you should be pushing the other for any reason, so it sounds like a toxic mess to me. As you say, he’s bigger and stronger than you, so even with similar the behaviour the outcome for you could end up being a lot worse. Please end this now and take some time to work on your boundaries. If his illness is causing him to act like this on a regular basis he needs to talk to his doctor.

Why are you devastated that you are splitting up from a man who has no hesitation when it comes to shoving and pushing you? What makes you think that would be a good environment for a baby?

Have a look at sunk cost fallacy. I think it would mean a lot to you if you took it seriously.

This is the end of the road, as it should be. It is unfathomable that you would willingly bring a baby into this toxic disaster. You should be running like hell away from this man.

It’s over as soon as things get violent. You’ll be ok. You’ll be better. Onwards and upwards.

Why on earth would you want to bring an innocent baby into this 'relationship'? What if one of you shoved the other who was carrying a child? Have you both taken leave of your senses?

You need to split up. This is not normal.

Agree with PPs. It's toxic and unhealthy. Both of you are Prepared to get physical for whatever minor reason you disagree on. It is not a good relationship and not one to bring a child into. Desperation for children should not keep you in this relationship. If you can't address the physical aspect it will only get worse over time. He may be irritable and you allow him this due to blood sugar, what is your excuse?

You aren't a good match for each other. But if you've been angrily physical in similar relationships you may need to have a look at your own reactions too.

I will just comment on your point “this means I probably will not have children”. You don’t need a man to have a child. A child is much better off being brought up by a loving mother rather than in a toxic two parent home. You say you are financially independent, which is great. You don’t need him, you need a sperm bank and live the life you want. Good luck.

In the past why have you pushed him ? . Has it been a defensive reaction or did you push him first ? Not that it matters in the relationship, as it has become toxic and you need to finish it . I’m wondering so you can work on yourself moving forward. No way should you be thinking about bringing a baby into this relationship. Do the brave thing and leave him . As for having a baby in future , How old are you ? There maybe plenty time . Hope you are ok .

Well, you're as bad as each other aren't you?
Don't bring a child into this relationship.
As you are over 40 with health conditions that you rely on your partners support for is a child realistically feasible?
I think you need to seriously consider your options instead of just ploughing through life and creating a shit show of your own making.

A baby can be a trigger for domestic violence to start or escalate. Given where you are currently I think a pregnancy would be a terrible idea. Both of you have reason to end this relationship, don't wait for him to do it. Choose a different ending to your story while you still can.

You need to end this before some poor unfortunate child is conceived.
If you are physically dependent on him for a health condition, how can you care for a care for a baby/toddler/young child for years to come? 🤔