Men who don't want children

[MistySkiesAreGone]

Can you save me time here?

Is it worth dating men on apps who say they have children and don't want more?

I would have thought No, as they have taken the time to put that.

Jury's verdict?

Do you want them ?

Their position is clear and honest.
Do you want children, OP?

It's worth dating them if you don't want (more?) kids. It's not if you do want (more?) kids. Common sense, I'd have thought.

No, it isn't worth it.

What you aren't seeing is that if they were to want more children, you'd have the additional issue of navigating step parenting or potentially blending families. They could also say they want more to entice you, and not mean it realistically speaking.

Do you have children already? Or want to have your own family?

I wasted (unknowingly) 3 years on the apps, looking for a child free partner to have a family with, I certainly overlooked any man with children at that point. Too complicated for me. I ended up going at it alone last year aged 39, and thankfully have my son now so am no longer onher looking for a relationship of that sort.

If you want children and they've said they don't, then no. Getting with someone and hoping they change their mind, or forcing them to, is really manipulative and not a great way to start the rest of your lives together. If kids is a must for you, date someone who wants them.

If you want kids then you absolutely should not date them in the hope of changing their minds. They're being upfront. Better that then some guy who leads you on without letting you know that parenthood is something he's actively avoiding.

I don’t want children and don’t have any so when I was dating I only looked at profiles similar to what your saying and they usual meant what they said so stay well clear if you want children

Your age is important too, how old are you Op?

Most relationships aren't for life. Most relationships fail so you need to be aware that even if you do get to have a child with someone, you need to be prepared that you may end up being a single parent, as the women are ones most likely left doing most of the parenting/organising etc.

Just the opinions I was looking for thanks.

No I do not and I would like the opportunity to try but at 42 I am realistic that it's virtually hopeless.

Yes agree finding a child free partner who wants children is difficult at this age. Especially as it may not happen given fertility. This feels unfair on a younger man, many men my age want a younger woman, and older men seem to either not want them or have the type of career that sees them away a lot or working long hours.

I certainly wouldn't hope someone would change their mind, that is naive and risky, and trying to change someone's mind is not really in my skillset or something I would wish to do.

I guess it's just carry on and hope someone comes along.

It sounds like I didn't value this sooner, in truth life got in the way.

Children are one thing you need to be in complete alignment on.

You can't have half a child - you either become parents together or you don't.

They are being up front so if you want children you should steer clear. Never date anyone hoping that you will change them.

@Musttryharder2021 Haha that is bad news to me. In all honesty that is probably why I am still single.

I have worked on myself a lot in the past few years to question what I am looking for and I am not really looking for perfection, just someone nice with shared values with a similar vision for the future.

Have you considered going it alone?
What's more important a partner or a child, because both may not be possible at the same time.

You should get your fertilility checked at a clinic, they run fertility MOTs, private clinic not the GP. It will give you an indication but time is against you, and egg quality does decline quite considerably in our late 30s/40s.

I honestly think most people who don't have and don't want children are adamantly child free and very much enjoy their lives that way. I think anybody open to the idea wouldn't have that on their profile, in fact I know quite a few children people (men and women) who complain about people who want children or have children messaging them and wasting their time when they have been clear and open about their stance.

I also think somebody who says they don't want children, even if they were the type of person who could be persuaded, would never ve 100 percent into the idea and therefore be a terrible parent.

Given you presumably want children fairly quickly because of your age, I would think your hope lies in finding somebody who also wants them fairly quickly as well. I doubt if you found somebody who you could talk round it would happen quickly and you may waste your last chance of having children sat around hoping somebody will change their mind when they absolutely won't.

Is there a reason you won't consider somebody who already has children?

Maybe if you have your heart set on it you could consider other options such as sperm donation.

Don’t do it, if you think you may remotely want kids. Every woman I know who has been with someone upfront about this has regretted it. But that’s just my opinion and observation…when men tell you who they are, believe them (or thereabouts)

I’ve got kids and I’m in my 40s so like to date the same. I’ve met a few men off of the apps in this situation (have kids and don’t want more) and they are all adamant that they don’t want them when you meet them in real life. I think it’s one of the few things that men are upfront about if they already have children. The guy I am dating at the moment has kids and doesn’t want more, he has also had a vasectomy. But that isn’t something that you write on a dating app.

If I'd taken the time to put that I didn't want kids on my profile I'd think anyone who wasted my time dating me when they do want kids was a entitled asshat tbh. Some wanker thats so up themselves that they think they know my mind better than me and that I'll change it someday.

Really not worth it, wastes your time

And his.

In your position I would cough up for a dating / introduction agency if you live somewhere that might work?

If you really want kids then I think at 42 you need to consider doing it alone.

I agree. By the time you meet someone suitable, get to know him and even start trying for a baby you’re looking at a year minimum. Your fertility is declining rapidly at the moment and while some women do have successful pregnancies in their 40s, many don’t, or certainly not first time around.

Time is of the essence here so I would definitely look at going it alone asap and then when you’re ready to date you have a whole pool of single dads and child free men to choose from, including some whose children are grown up if you’re not into the idea of step parenting.

Its not easy being a single parent, or indeed dating once you all have kids, but you may as well start on an even footing with a child of your own rather than waste time hoping to meet someone on the same page soon enough for it to work out.

Sorry to be be bleak. Just being realistic