How to be truly happy alone ?

[stillvicarinatutu]

I am scared . I admit it . I'm 50 and single .
I was married for 25 years. Then in a terrible relationship for a further 5 . I left that relationship (reluctantly) 3 years ago.

I tried on line dating which led to 2 short lived relationships, both of which hurt when ended .

I don't connect with people easily and I don't fancy people easily.

I live alone . I'm working from home currently so very isolated. But I quite enjoy that freedom .

I'm friends with neighbours and my immediate neighbour and I are in similar circumstances and often spend time together. Fridays nights tend to be wine and a takeaway. We talk over fence every night .

I've recently been diagnosed with osteoarthritis. This has led to less activity and a bit of weight gain .

I've always been active , looked younger than my years , was slim and fit . That's gone to rats ! Face looks same but my muscle tone has gone and I've put a bit of weight on.

I am on one hand very happy doing my own thing , no judgement if the dishwasher is t loaded , or the carpet not hoovered, or I lay in bed working.

(This working from home probably won't last but complications with the athritis mean I'm struggling to drive )

I'm a little worried that this is it for me .

That my health will deteriorate , and I'll be a lonely old woman . Possibly wheelchair bound .

I have 2 kids . One is in Asia . The other blames me for the split with her dad . We're ok but there's a huge elephant in the room . She's all for dad . She doesn't understand the ins and outs of that split or what sacrifices I've made since to keep her and ex in the house . (I've basically walked away from all my entitlements )

I live in rented accommodation. I am independent but financially stricken for another year until my debt (our debt - I'm paying dh debt to save the house ) is paid up .

My looks are fading . ( wish I'd appreciated them before !) my body is failing.

I am scared that I will be alone now forever and will die alone .

I have 10 years to retirement. If I can work till 60 in the job I have because it's physical and my old bones are knackered. I'll get a pension but it won't keep me - I'll need to work at least part time after . My rent is £800 a month with bills on top .

I don't go anywhere to meet anyone . I craft , do yoga and socialise with neighbour and her circle of friends . See my dd . Spend most days in pjs .

My ex dh is seeing someone. My ex partner is living with someone. My two brief flings are now In committed relationships.

So - if this is it . If this is me now - alone for the remainder of my time - how do I make peace with that ?

Irony - I only discovered sex at 42 . 8 years ago . Now it seems that chapter is over .

How do I reconcile this and learn to be happy with my lot ?

Hi OP I couldn't just read and scroll past.
You will be ok. But you have to learn to live and love yourself.
I've been alone for several years, my kids are also older, I spend a lot of time alone..and I relish it.
For one thing..I am not beholden to what anyone else wants. I please myself
I have absolute freedom
And I know I won't let myself down. I know the choices I make are for me, I like having that control
Get to a place where you are happy with yourself, be it fitter , stronger, healthier.. this is important.
Never say never, life has a way of surprising us, but the work to be happy starts within.
Best of luck x

@stillvicarinatutu - a lot of what you have written resonates with me.

I'm a bit older than you but had a marriage around the same length and my kids are a bit closer to me.

You sound like a kind and thoughtful woman so I think there will be someone out there for you. The whole looks fading / few extra pounds thing is a bit of a red herring. Personally I want someone who is kind, thoughtful, intelligent and a good laugh - being able to drink a bottle of claret by herself is an added bonus LOL

Relax - I think you will be fine. Shit I would go on a date with you😀

I have walked in those footsteps.

Try and push yourself a little to experience the world ideas: a weekend away by yourself in the UK or Europe or do an airbnb experience online with others, join a supper club? There are lots of people in your position especially since Covid - try and reach out. x

Manabouttown 😂. Thanks mate that made me smile . I'm still hit just not as hot as I used to be 😂.
Anyway thanks for that it made me laugh.

It's not that I don't get interest. I'm in a small online date thing - I'm chatty and sociable. I get talking to people easily . But it's been 3 years now . With short term relationships that went no where. I've got very jaded .

For the next 7 months I'm cash strapped but then my dh iva ends and I can stop paying it ! Mine ends 6 months later . Then I will have an extra £370 a month todo exactly that - go away for weekends if I can get someone to dog sit !

I just want to feel happy in my own skin . Not feeling I'm missing out because I'm not with anyone.

I found a sex life then lost it and feel robbed .
I can't wait to just be past all that . Happy to lay in bed watching Netflix, fat and happy , dog on my knee , no worries .

@stillvicarinatutu - think you will be more than ok. Get out there and enjoy yourself

Op you'll be fine. It's tough I get it! I'm mid 40s been single almost 3 years now with 2 young teens and a 9 year old. I was married over 20 years .
Sometimes it's a rough ride I've got a heart condition and rheumatoid arthritis. But do you know what? I'm loving every minute even the lonely times.

I answer to nobody, my home is my solace and I've been taking more time to just sit and read or other forms of self care. I also have a neighbour like that and it's priceless to have . You will get through all this

I'm not quite in your shoes Op, however I was long term single with a failed marriage behind me. I was late to motherhood, had a DC via a sperm donor aged 39, so am now in the thick of motherhood but the choices were single and childless or single and with a child possibly. I chose to go down the second route. Lucky to have conceived and very grateful but I am looking to the future and see the same old OLD bullshit waiting for me (which was the reason I went down the sperm donor route eventually) as I didn't meet anyone that I would consider to be a long term /family partner. I'm also tired of the "selling" myself when I think about a relationship again. Although I look good for my age, I look nothing like my 30 year old self, and also feel sad at the prospect of no affectionate, a bit of romance and sex!

Also, my DC will grow up and want to spend less time with me, eventually leave home, what will I be doing with my weekends? Annual leave? I'll be in my mid to late 50s when all this will start to change. Friends all coupled up and not really interested in tagging along with me and my infant.

I'm also trying to come to terms with never having a relationship again, and I enjoy and relish my freedom, but there are evenings and weekends where I think it would be nice to ha e someone to look out for ME. Not to procreate, not to cohabit, not to get married, just to support and enjoy each others's company. It doesn't sound like a lot to ask for, does it?

I wish I'd not had the two (albeit) brief relationships because it sort of reminded me of what I'm missing.
I've given up . It's not that I mind my own company, I love the freedom I have just to be me , but at the back of my mind is the fact I'm getting on a bit .

I think the illusion that there is someone out there for me is what's keeping me in this vicious cycle of giving up altogether and maybe just maybe next time it'll be different. I've literally done 20 years of dating including a marriage together, lived apart with people, long distance weekend only relationships, you name it, I've had it and none of it has worked out.

I've no advice op, other than yes I also on occasion reminisce about the joys and lovely stuff when with someone but these moments were brief in the whole of the shit show that has been my dating life and I don't know if I have the energy (after looking after my child) to go through the cycle of rinse and repeat again. Why didn't it work out all those years ago??

Believe me, solitude is utter bliss in comparison to some relationships.

I've read your post and the few replies. I'm sorry you did not get more, but I think this forum is made up of younger women who don't have these same issues.

I, however, do, and find myself in a similar boat to you.

Please feel free to DM me, we can maybe buddy-up and be online friends, chat on email, video call, phone etc, if you like.

Thanks lady

I've no idea how to get dms on the phone app tho ?

I am in a relationship and happy but when I am single i love it. Yeah it sucks when you first break up with someone you care for but after a while I like it. I love my own space I love not having to think about anyone else. Everyone is different though some people like to have someone around and thats fine. You are still young and I have a feeling you will meet someone when you least expect it.

I've been on my own for five years now. My children are still at home late primary and secondary age and I'm facing 50. The kids and family keep me busy right now. I have some thoughts around getting older and the children leaving home and my parents no longer being here etc. it is a worry I have dabbled in on line dating. But I'd rather be alone than in a shit relationship. As the kids need me less I hope to volunteer and join social groups. You never know what's around the corner.

Im impressed you have met and had several relationships. I have had many first dates and a few that lasted a month or two but quickly didn't amount to anything.

Society on the whole doesn't value being alone, tries to make you feel inferior, lacking, or at a disadvantage. But if you give yourself enough time to get more comfortable with it and this is where alot of people fail, you often find yourself never looking back. l put all the time, energy and money l previously wasted on dating due to my false belief l needed to be with someone to be happy, into myself. Best thing l ever did. My advice would be don't waste time searching for your knight in shining armour, become that person yourself. You can still stay open to a possible relationship, but its not the be all and end all.

Could I suggest living each day as it comes? Enjoy the that fact you've got a neighbour who is a really good friend who you share time with. The fact that you've not got a man who isn't right for you in your life.
So what if you've rounded the curves, not all men like skinny women.
Men don't stay looking 50 and appreciate that woman dont either.

The whole I'll be wheelchair bound. you need a slap for being over dramatic!

I'm still positive at 50 despite the middle age spread and wrinkles.

I have been divorced for 15 years - like you I've had a few relationships but none worked out. I'm now 58 and have given up on relationships. Of course I do feel it from time to time (like in August when friends are away) but I've also learned that I enjoy my own company. I've just come back from a week away in a cottage on my own and loved it.

How have I learned how to do it? I put things in the diary so I have things to look forward to - a weekend away with a friend, an art exhibition or theatre tickets. A visit out of town to see my niece.

I really enjoy walking in the country - I have a few friends I go with but I will often just head off somewhere to explore on my own - a river walk, exploring an area, a pretty torn, beach or place of beauty. I like driving so no problem with that. Walking boots in the boot.

I also go to the cinema on my own.

I make the effort to regularly ask people to do things - particularly at the weekend, maybe early evening drinks, a walk, gallery. I try to book ahead but also do off chance invites - why not?

I go to the gym for a swim or a class (though I'm quite lazy) or for a walk after finishing my work just do I get out of the house.

I belonged to a choir for a while and would like to do that again. I might also sign up for an art class.

I read what's on, plan trips and stay in touch with people. I enjoy doing exactly what I want, watching what I want on TV, read in bed, eat the meals I want to do, go out and explore. I used to be a huge extrovert but I'm calmer now - I love company but I like my own too.

You know what feels cruel ? The fact I only started to enjoy sex at 42 . And now at 50 it's over . Ignorance is bliss .
I wasn't desperately unhappy with my ex husband either- we were great friends . Got on well . Had a laugh . Parented well together.
He's seeing someone now . And I'm happy for him .
But I maybe set too much store in a sex life when all that really matters in old age is companionship. I had that . I'd had that for 30 years. I just feel
Sad because the chances of finding someone whose right in all
Ways feel slim now . Maybe I should have just thanked my luckies for what I had and stuck with it but it's done now .

I am your age and recently single after dumping another lousy suitor who made no effort, and thought I should be glad to have his attention being a woman of a certain age. I have some very serious health issues, and I don't expect to make it into old age. I just have to focus on getting my kids to adulthood. Being single is ok, and way less hassle than being with someone who doesn't support you, nurture you or make you feel valued. You are not over the hill. I get more men cracking onto me now than in my youth. As a disabled woman I am not sure how that all works, but apparently a smile and sense of humour are good starting points. I don't have any magic solutions but I would say to value single life. It gives you freedom and you can do whatever you put your mind to. New hobby perhaps? Since my accident, I have had to rethink career matters and I am training for the legal profession. You may live another 30+ years so focus on filing that time with stuff that is meaningful to you.