Advice needed 🤞

[sandel]

So I moved in with my partner a year ago … she is the sweetest, kindest most generous person I know. Living here is I am becoming to realise is deter-mental to my health.

Its been her home of 30 years and is filled (rightly so) with her!

There was nothing of my life that came with me, my clothes and ALL belongings fit into the third of one sliding wardrobe in this 3 bedroom house.

I know THINGS don’t make a person but nothing of me is here.
Everything is as it was prior to my moving and I just don’t think I belong. Stuff - another life is EVERYWHERE!

Years of accumulating things, cats and aversion to spring cleaning has left this home a world away from where I feel comfortable.

Ive tried to make small changes, things just get placed back or boxed and left on counter tops.
I do understand that it’s been her home for so long but it’s not ours and I don’t think it ever will be.

I have a chair on one side of the sofa, a side to the bed and a dear I’m using up to much space!

The house itself is reminiscent of my parental home where I was subjected to neglect and abuse.

I feel like I’ve lost me and am powerless to make any changes.

Could do with advice x

Have you talked to her about making some changes?

What has she said when you raised these issues?

Suggest a shopping trip and get some jointly chosen items!!.. Doesn't every new relationship justify a trip to IKEA?

Yes but everytime she says do whatever you want and if I go to do something, anything she procrastinates or shows so little interest it feels like I’m hurting her feelings-she takes suggestions as criticism

There is no space for anything! And I’ve tried to a chorus of it’s not needed

Hi OP - have you been together long?
it can be difficult to change if you’ve been very used to things for a very long time. BUT .. if you’ve agreed to live together it’s supposed to be together. Rather than ask say you want to make changes or living together doesn’t work for you

If you are living with a partner it needs to be a home for both of you.

What could I say without hurting her feelings

@sandel - not sure whether you are a man and a woman or two women but nonetheless you need to feel where you are living is part of you. Otherwise you might as well be living in a hotel.

I think I would just say - I need some things to make it feel like my home too.

A caring partner would be sensitive to that

Pathetic as it seems but I’ve maintained a home for my family since I was 21
now at 49 I long for anything but this place
I miss a home

I believe this very, very strongly, and that is your mind is a product of your home/environment. Your (her) home sounds like a cluttered mess that doesn't represent you at all. Of course you're not going to be happy living there. She either needs to make changes or you need to go, and quickly.

God I hear you!

Since moving in I’ve purged what little I brought to release a bit of space pressure. All that achieved was a loosing of my self identity!

Is it possible this could be affecting my health. After 3 months here physically I began to become fatigued, I had to take time of work-my anxiety is through the roof. There are no medical reasons for my physical symptoms.

I very much love my partner but the resentment I’m feeling is not healthy

Life's too short. Go back where you were before

@sandel - unfortunately that sounds horrible.

I love my place - I have my books, antique furniture and several large TVs to make me feel at home.

If a new partner moved in though I would expect her to bring many personal things as well. It would make it our home.

Is it possible this could be affecting my health. After 3 months here physically I began to become fatigued, I had to take time of work-my anxiety is through the roof. There are no medical reasons for my physical symptoms.

OF COURSE this is affecting your health. Mental and physical. Op, I could never, ever live in a cluttered mess. I would be a walking disaster within days. My home is very organised and very clean, which is what I need to be at peace. Your situation isn't working for you.

You’re right, it’s not

I don’t miss my things as much as knowing I can have them if I wanted to. This isn’t my home