I'm F(40) and he's M (50) we have been in a relationship for four years. We are both divorced with DC and while our relationship has been serious, it's also been a very important outlet for me to have fun and let off steam outside of the DC and work. I think that has meant that I have always put up with it not being 100% equal, for eg the relationship is for the majority of the time, on his terms. He decides where we go, what we eat, who we see, I often tag along to see his DC, help them move in and out of their student accommodation with him, whereas he never spends any time with my younger DC. Outside of my DC time, it's his time and his schedule which dominates mine, partially because he has a more time-consuming job than mine but mainly because he has some emotional baggage from his marriage to his exW where he believes he has "done the hard yards," was taken for granted, "used for money" and not given enough time to focus on himself and his own interests and time to "just be. "While I roll my eyes a bit at that, and you may do too, I see he is a committed Dad who spends as much time as possible with his DC and takes on equal shares of the mental family load with his ExW, but still bears a grudge for the drudgery of his former life, Important to note he does not act resentful of his exW, he is respectful of her, but he is resentful of the time he spent in the marriage, and what it was like, her refusal to work once the DC were pre-teens, and contribute to resources or what it became, with her expecting more and more and him feeling like he had nothing left.
I always had quite a breezy approach to his need to have things on his terms. I think I told myself that I really wanted to have fun, travel, dinners out, have sex, go to events and experiences and to really "Live" with someone. And what better way to do it than with someone I was very attracted to and enjoyed his company. We have done a lot of that over the years. Over the last year my life, things have become harder as my mother has had a very rapid descent into Alzheimer's and my father has found it hard to cope and has left her and met someone else. As an only child this has been very hard for me, both emotionally in reconciling what has happened, and practically, as I have had to step up in a carer capacity (on top of my 4DC.) While my partner has been a real comfort to me during this in lots of ways, I have had less capacity to be breezy and absorb some of the selfishness that exists in the relationship.
Things that my partner does have started to really upset me - , like inflexibility around time and place, prioritising his DC (who are students, not young DC,) he won a holiday for two and took his best friend and not me, he has a coldness in communication while he is deep into working which I used to breeze over before, knowing it would change when he stopped work, but I now find it slices me open like a wound, especially after a particularly hard day with my mother. He is very charismatic and enjoys the attention of other women when he gets it - not in a way which crosses boundaries - but when I am really emotionally struggling and I see how he is the life of the party, he gets talking or smoking on a balcony of a bar or party with a group of women while I am inside, I start to feel small and unimportant. It's lots of little things like this.
We have had a few run ins where I have felt it's become too much for me and I've been very moody. Each time he has told me that "it's like being married again. I can never make you happy." Occasionally I have given him the "silent treatment" because I have just not known what to say when I tell him what is happening in my life and with my mother and try to get him to understand what is going on with me, and he responds with something flippant or glib. Or suggests I forget about it and we go for dinner (to talk about him again.)
It's been so bad recently, I have been complaining a lot. Getting quite angry with him (not shouty or pushy) but just probably quite lectury and naggy about how his behaviour/words are not fair. How he needs to listen more to me and think about me. I occasionally go quiet (never for more than a few hours) or, send a series of whatsapps explaining (again and again) how I feel.
Three days ago this was happening and he just flipped. He said he was "sick and tired" of my "abuse." That I was "not a kind person," that I have treated him with "cruelty." He then blocked me on whatsapp and has not spoken to me since.
I have been over and over it in my head. I do think my nagging and complaining and moodiness must have grated. I do think I have perhaps been a bit of a burden, but in my more sane moments I know that the scales were wrongly weighted from the get go.
I am letting him get on with it, not trying to contact him, not trying to apologise, but I just wanted to sense check it with you.
Do you think my behaviour has been abusive? Especially if I have been holding on to every little thing, giving the silent treatment occasionally.
Do you think he should understand it in the context of what I am going through?
Given I enjoy the relationship, I am in love with him and need it to feel sane right now at a time where I have such strong caring duties, should I just apologise and promise it will no longer happen?