I need some serious advice, i am not proud but this is my first serious lgbt gay relationship

[skybright59]

Good Afternoon

A bit of a background about me: I am 35 year old female who hasn't really had many relation experiences in my life. I have gone on a ton of dates with guys over the years, attractive ones, average looking ones, tall, short you name it, been there. Dates seeemed to vary, some went ok, some didnt, the short relationships i was in with guys just felt boring and forced but i kept going on these dates because i felt that being straight and dating guys is the right thing to do, anything else would be considered dirty, abnormal, disordered.

Cutting a long story short i had an experience with a woman 2 years ago who i got to know through facebook and got talking to her for a friend and she seemed really nice, i then met her after about a year of talking and she kissed me and it was at that moment that i felt some kind of magic and some sort of sensuality.

That friendship ended because she become really weird with me. I continued to date guys for a while after this because thats all ive ever known.

I then went and joined a few lesbian/bi groups on facebook - i didnt join for any particular intention as such, wasnt sure what i was looking. But i started talking to this woman and sent her a message, we hit it off straight away on messenger and seemed to have loads in common. She kept sending little cute selfies of herself at work and little voice notes etc

We agreed to meet for a coffee, as i was a bit green and unassuming i didnt quite know if we were just meeting as friends or whatnot but it made me feel wanted, attractive, i felt a rush of blood.

We then met for coffee and there were sparks, we had a few drinks and it was late evening to which i was due to go home as i live at home with family, but she says to me its a bit late for you to go back, if you want to go back thats fine why dont you come to mine for a bit, so we go back to hers and we have a few drinks etc. Night time comes and im sitting on the sofa really shyly not knowing where i was going to sleep, she disappears to get changed and comes out in her pjs and she says to me what are you doing, giggling, she says you can sleep on the sofa or you cna sleep in my bed as its kingsize and very comfy.

I get into her bed and next thing she starts stroking my arms and round my face and i was in heaven. I turned towards her and we kissed passionately. She then drops me home. Within the same week i had a due scheduled with a guy which i went on, i still didnt know what was really going on and my sexuality at that point wasnt being questioned. I met up with the guy and a few things happened but it wasnt enjoyable.

I was still talking to the lady and she works in a hospital so its hard with her shifts but we were trying to meet up again in secret because my family are conservative christian. She goes and books something at a hotel for the weekend and because i want to see her i agree to it, but had to lie to parents.

Again that weekend was nice and obviously sexual, by this point i had developed quite strong feelings and upon returning home announced to y family that i had met a woman and was in love. They were extremely shocked in fact my mom stood there for 15 minutes unable to speak. I was told to leave immediately which i did, i dont think gail knew what was happening and their reaction but i said gail i love you and they have chucked me out, im coming with you. She didnt say anything.

so there i am living with gail and although i felt finally free i wasnt completely free - my mom started sending me abusive homophobic message calling me dirty, evil, rferring to the bible, saying i will go to hell and the rest of it. It wa smonths of back and forth, arguing, really bad argument,s blocking and unblocking her, being threatended that the whole family will be told about me, nasty taunts etc

I had suicidal thoughts when gail was at work, i would go to the toilet in the dark and think i was in hell. I cried and i cried and i cried and said prayers with rosary beads. And im amongst all this i downloaded dating apps on and off over the course of 8 months even though me and gail went on little weekend breaks.

The loss of my family and disownment was the worst feeling in the world, i was in a new area that i didnt know, no friends around me, scared to even tell friends incase they made a remark. I didnt even whatsapp my nan or brother, i was terrified. Every day hurt, me and gail would go back and forth on the bible loking at what is a sin, what isnt, it drove us mad but we did have nice times and get on otherwise we wouldnt have gone on little holidays.

Gail also had religious trauma, mom was verbally abusive and said she didnt want gail to be born, tried to drink gin in the bath, her dad beat her mom up, gail was threatened to be disowned and got with a guy and had 2 kids.

So gail has her kids and the tshirt. I dont. And unfortunately amongst me going through hell and high water she wasnt very clear with me about future intentions.

I would say about 2 months into me living with her she was saying things like you wont get marriage and kids form me, but then said at one time id like you to have a kid by IVF and id pay for it but there were some conversations about whether that was a sin.

I was living in fear but also i was in terrible pain, i missed my mom so much i would cry at night. I even went to a methodist church where lgbt are more accepted.

Unfortunately me and gail went on a big holiday and i enjoyed it very much but was unable to share that experience with anyone. And in private i was really upset.

I was also told that i had given my stepdad heart problems. So how could i tell anyone. I also downloaded a dating app again but didnt use it, and some guy from long ago popped up and whatsapp and i spoke to him for a bit but that was it.

I would also like to add that i dont have many friends at all, not many female friends as its something i have struggled with over the years, and dealing with timewasters. So i think talking to these guys gave me a sense of 'normality' if you like. I have read about something called internalised homophobia.

I was also extrrmely upset that i had fallen in love with gail who then turned round and revealed that she doesnt really want anything which to me means there isnt much of a future. We did discuss getting a blessing in methodist church.

Since the last dating app situation, she wont talk to me and is being very cold. I have tried and tried to get her to understand how hard this has been, not only for me but disappointing my family, being threatened by family, being taunted by them but she doesnt seem to care. I have begged and begged and told her that i love her and would want to marry her.

I am now being accused of guilt tripping her, her kids came over a week ago and i cracked up in front of them. I started to cry, i told her daughter what i had done and that i loved her mom and was truly sorry. It was horrible. i said to gail i will not stay here with you for you to virtually ignore me all day, you go to work and cant even give me a hug, you just tap me on the head like im a dog.

We tried to be intimate about a month ago, which we were and in an argument she said i had to force myself. How disgusting and low is that. And then 2 months ago we tried to be intimate and she caught me in an area to which i said ouch and she said well its obvious i dont do anything for you, and its really hurt me.

I have said she is also in the wrong on many counts just like me, but that i still love her but i said i feel you dont love me at all, and i dont deserve this level of punitive behaviour

You might want to get MNHQ to edit her name out of your post

Oh right sorry not sure if they can remove name.

I was also going to say i have been using dating apps for a long time, might be an habitual thing i think, and don't forget that discovering this about myself at 35 is a huge thing to deal with.

This isn't a healthy relationship for either of you. Am I right in thinking you fell in love with her after your first weekend together? Then announced it to your family, who disowned you and you effectively moved in with her?

That's not a healthy start to any relationship.

I am deeply sorry for what you're dealing with by your family, I can't imagine how hard that it, especially when coming to terms with your sexuality. But I think this relationship with her was under enormous pressure right from the get go and I don't see any relationship surviving that.

I know its very painful, but I think now you have to respect that the relationship is over and allow each of you to start moving on.

You need time to feel comfortable and confident with your sexuality and I think therapy might be useful for dealing with the disownership of your family. Alternatively, seek solace in the LGBT+ community many of which will have gone through the same.

You need to ask MN to remove the name you have mentioned in your posts.

You need to find a good therapist specializing in LGB issues, trauma around coming out, religious abuse, family relationships, and relationships in general. There are several LGB organisations which could point you to a therapist. Make this a priority. They may even be able to help you to find housing if your current situation becomes untenable.

What age are you?
Do you have a job?
What sort of income or benefits do you personally have at your disposal?
Any previously identified MH issues or personality issues?

You come across as someone with very little experience if feeding for yourself in the real world - would this be a fair assessment?

This isn’t a healthy relationship. You need to extricate yourself and spend some time solo.

It’s never a good idea to move in with someone just because you need a place to live. It should be a well thought out decision that only occurs once you have reached an advanced relationship stage.

It wasnt about needing a place to live, i actually had really deep feelings for her and i knew that i would never see her again. I had previously been looking at flats and went to see a few of them but my mom kept saying why do you want to live on your own and find a boyfriend.

However, in the last 2 weeks my mom asked how me and G were which is the nicest thing that she has ever said to me.

I waited 8 months to hear those words.

Despite my actions, i really do love this woman, i wanted a future with her but she doesnt want to get married or have children (which is fine but why didnt she tell me in the very beginning)

She wont accept that this is the reason why i started to looking elsewhere. She asked me why i stayed and i said because i didnt want to give up. But to hear those words broke me.

sorry why am i being made out to have some mental problem, you don't choose who you fall in love with or have a connection with. Yes i work and have a job and i've been working for some time in the same job.

You need to be speaking to a counsellor. Youve a lot of issues going on. Youre putting a lot on her. Moving in together was all you. I would have said no way to you moving in with my children so soon. Did you think of the impact on them?

and you keep going on dating apps. She is right to end the relationship. You need to move out and deal with your issues before starting a new relationships.

Your first post was a little hard to read, as a long stream of conscious. This, combined with the emotion in it, and the fact you moved in with her so spontaneously could be why the previous poster thought you might have a history of mental health issues.

What you've been through though, is traumatic and anyone would need mental health support to come to terms with family rejection in this situation.

We're all agreed that it wasn't healthy to move in so quickly. If you were thrown out of your home then the healthy action would have been to look for somewhere on your own or a house share rather than move in with your new girlfriend (without warning). Staying for a few days while you sorted yourself out would be fine.

The two of you want different things. Either one of you comprises or makes a sacrifice or you break up. It was a betrayal of her to look elsewhere while you were still together and I wouldn't forgive that in a relationship. It isn't committed, it isn't respectful.

I stand by my first post - you need to respect that the relationship is over and allow each other to move on and seek support for coming to terms with your family's rejection.

Granted OP, you don’t choose who you fall in love with.

You can choose how you behave when that person is trying to extricate themselves from your love.

You can also choose how you respond to posters like math who are trying to gently guide you in a helpful direction.

The way you respond to people just doesn’t seem that healthy. It all seems quite intense.

You need to have counselling alone

You choose how you proceed after you have found out you are in love.

Diving head first into a live-in relationship almost immediately isn't advisable.

Returning to dating apps and seeing men when you experience a bump in a relationship is quite dysfunctional. There are healthier ways of dealing with rejection - accepting what the other person is saying about her own reality is important, and starting to look for a place of your own is also healthy. You win some and you lose some. You can't force someone to stick around and meet your deepest needs.

Coming from a background like yours (homophobic family and strongly desiring that sense of connection to a special person who would love you for yourself) I think it would be really, really important to find a therapist to help you navigate the initial stages of coming out and developing relationships.

Do you have RL friends? A social life with friends?

sorry why am i being made out to have some mental problem, you don't choose who you fall in love with or have a connection with

Because you are in such a mess with it. People with good mental health don't write miles of text about someone who has treated them well and then treated them badly. They just walk away, without needing to bring in info about their religious parents, the other person's tragic history, and a bunch of begging and guilt tripping.

You don't choose who you fall in love with, but you do choose whether one love or another is healthy for you to pursue. You need to choose. Is this set up good for you, or better to walk away from?