Lack of closure destroying me and new relationship, please help!

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I should say I am in a (very) new relationship now as it’s been 18 months since this all happened. But I realise even more how much this lack of closure has impacted me as I am already very wary of my new partner who is genuinely very lovely.

My ex was not easy during my pregnancy, he was cold and distant and often unkind. I remember texting my friend saying I couldn’t cope with it as it was making me so unhappy and I didn’t understand why he was behaving this way. In hindsight I think he struggled with the idea of fitting others into his life, he was a very closed off person with no relationship history to speak of. Things got worse as I started to snap back and arguments became nasty and escalated. One day he simply stopped replying and had left my things outside, changed the locks. I’d moved in to his so old had clothes there and other bits. I asked him to at least explain and he read each of my messages (or at least they delivered) and never replied. I knocked on his door a few weeks later and he refused to answer. I was close ish to having the baby at this point and I tried really hard to resolve things before then. He didn’t ever reply and hasn’t to this day, though I didn’t bother shortly after dc was here. I think it made me blame myself entirely for everything, and left me in a state of confusion. There was no actual break up conversation, nothing. He never said I don’t want you/the baby, though his actions were clear. I remember in desperation once asking him to just block me if he wanted not to hear from me and he never did that either. When I think about it even now it makes my heart race. I feel such shame. I’m lucky my current partner is so easy to talk to and I’ve told him everything. He reassures me but it’s not his place to do that, I know. I think it comes down to no closure, no conversation, nothing. I’ve never had a relationship end like that ever (I’m late 30s now) and even if it was a traumatic end it was never blunt like that was. Probably no magic answer but if you’ve been there and have any strategies it would really help!

Let your application for child maintenance be your closure. He sounds a nightmare and you just have to accept it was a disastrous relationship with someone incapable of true empathy.

@hewouldwouldnthe he was quite emphatic to others that’s the thing. Once when my friend was very upset he mouthed to me when I was on the phone ‘say you love her.’ It was really odd as he’d literally never said that to me in times of stress. CM application feels so awful I just wanted to talk like adults.

So sorry you have to go through that. I know first hand how your feeling i went through the same thing once. Its a nightmare and you struggle a lot to move past all those unresolved emotions and unanswered questions. You feel guilty and ashamed and it breaks your confidence and trust. The one thing i can tell you that helps most is writing a letter. You don't need to send him the letter. Write down every question, feeling and every little thing you want to tell him. You should not hold back in this letter swear at him if you need to you can use every dirty swear word you can think of if that makes you feel better. Then place the letter somewhere save while you decide whether you want to send it to him or not. PLUS...do take him to court for maintenance. That will be one way to get the closer you need. I would suggest you also try meditation whenever you feel any kind of negative feelings towards yourself and keep writing don't stop at the letter. keep a journal where you can write down whatever you feel at that moment.
I hope this helps you too

Closure from another person is mostly a myth. What could he say to you that would give you closure on ignoring you and his child for so long?

As you said, his non response is a response. He is avoiding you and his child. That should be your closure, because closure really just comes when you decide to move on.

You’ve given a person who is clearly incredibly unreliable and capable of cruelty power over you by wanting closure from him - even asking him to block you. You’ll keep giving him power as long as you keep focusing on getting some form of response from him /what he did - rather than enjoying your new relationship.

Strategies are basically retraining yourself to stop looking for answers, because you won’t get them from him. Sometimes people are right bastards at the end of a relationship and would rather avoid or behave cruelly than deal with the ending maturely. That’s just how it is - a crap fact of life. You didn’t deserve what he did, but he did it anyway. I know that sucks but accepting it and that you won’t get answers or closure IS your closure.

sorry girl but with all you just said about this behaviour i dont think you will ever get to sit and talk like adults. He has been avoiding you this whole time i dont think anything will change now. Just do what you have to do for your baby to lessen your financial situation somewhat. If you dont need the money now then open savings account for your baby to use one day when he/she is older.

Thanks @hewouldwouldnthe @DragonflyNights @Shariefa so helpful.

I feel awful I’m letting this into my new relationship.

I think the sudden silence made me genuinely feel for a long time like I was to blame for everything. It’s honestly the most brutal way I’ve ever been treated in my life. And that’s without thinking about what the impact is on DC. I just can’t believe someone can be so awful so I start to think well maybe it was ME who was so awful, hence his abandonment.

I will claim CM, feels so ridiculous not to just speak!

Yea toxic people often are nice to everyone but the people close to them - particularly intimate relationships. Him showing empathy to your friend and not to you should have been a massive sign something was seriously off with him.

A CM application is for your child, and with the cost of living crisis getting worse it would be a wise move even if currently you’re ok financially. As the above poster says put it into a savings account if needs be.

@DragonflyNights i just thought it was really nice of him to say it but i did reflect and think he’s never that empathetic with me! It was odd. Urgh I know I need to let it go it’s almost like this new relationship has raised it again that I had no closure. I hate him for what he put me through.

as i did mention it would really help to keep a journal. Also keeo in mind that sometimes you being so wrapped up in all these old unresolved feelings can push away your current partner. Be aware of your energy around him cause really one person can only take so much and you being wrapped up in the past leaves no future for your current partner. I know its hard and i don't know if maybe you rushed into a relationship to quick cause clearly your not ready to be in a relationship yet. Sorry for being so honest but i thinnk you need the truth right now. I am really not judging im just simply stating from my own experience and from what your telling. You shouldve taken time out from any sort of relationship till your healed sober minded and over your ex. All these negative feelings your feeling can really effect your current relationship if your not careful. So please get help as soon as possible if you want to save your current relationship.