'I don't believe a beautiful girl like you finds me attractive'

[Patienceisntvirtuous]

What would you think/say if your partner said this?

My partner is quite insecure.

I am not sure if I can help her change this or how best to handle it. Interested in others opinions.

I don't think I am 'beautiful' either. I'm the wrong side of 40, could be slimmer, could make more of an effort...

(we're both women).

If it’s a new relationship, run away quickly. People with low self esteem are slow burn relationship killers. They either flirt constantly with anyone who will give them a positive response and end up cheating, or become poisonously jealous, or both. Else they’re just plain miserable.

If this is a LTR, convince her to seek therapy.

Honestly, it will end up a much big issue than ig seems on the surface.

Unfortunately I do understand what you mean, I've experienced similar before!

We've been together for two and a half years. She's never flirty with anybody, and isn't jealous (I am staying with a female friend for a few days soon, she's fine with that, for example).

I have been trying to convince her to seek therapy for a different reason but I suspect it ties in to the same one.

Eugh, would have put up with that when I'm younger, now I'd see it as I need you to blow smoke up my ass on a regular basis. If I feel insecure, instead of privately dialoguing myself out of that insecurity that you've given me no reason to experience, I'm going to offload it on to your lap and put you in the position of trying to carefully word your feelings and not upset me more in the process.

ARGH

No patience for this any more.

That's tough to deal with on a regular basis. Therapy would be good but she has to want it.

It's not your responsibility to fix it and you can't. She needs to deal with it.

I'm late 40s. It's the sort of shit I'd have put up with when I was younger. Probably felt hugely compassionate and believed I could love them enough for them to see their worth and believe in themselves.

I couldn't and sticking with one of them got me locked out of the house, pushed down the stairs and he dislocated his shoulder when he went to punch me in the face, I ducked and he punched the wall behind me.

And what xJoyfulCalmWisdomx and HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd said.

Moral of the tale. At best it's incredibly dull, boring and tedious to be constantly reassuring someone at worst it makes your life Hell.

Thanks all. Yes I agree with therapy!

@GreyCarpet Im sorry you went through that!

I wouldn't follow it up with "oh but you are beautiful, you really are!" as that would just be reinforcing the needy behaviour.

I would probably just say "well I've been genuine and said what I think, if you can't hear or accept that then thats your issue to work on"

Moral of the tale. At best it's incredibly dull, boring and tedious to be constantly reassuring someone at worst it makes your life Hell

Yes! And it’s a way of avoiding all other issues in the relationship. As soon as you raise something eg they don’t do their share of chores , it all becomes

” So you want to leave, right ? I knew someone as beautiful as you would never stay with a loser like me , I knew this all along. You are acting just like my parents / ex , you have been just stringing me along for my money / budgie , you don’t love me and you never have. “.

Then you are diverted into reassuring them and saying how wonderful they are. And your own concerns never get addressed and your resentment grows.

People sometimes use mental health issues or trauma in the same way, as an excuse to avoid doing anything they don’t want to.

So, does she say this frequently? How does her insecurity impact your relationship? I can be occasionally (or hormonally) insecure, but I don't think it impacts my relationship negatively. But I can see how it would if it is a case of expecting someone to prop me up (I don't do that, I'm pretty good at getting over myself and letting it go).

Thanks. It was a very long time ago (I'm much older and wiser now 😉) but it was all borne out of his insecurities.

The points that it's such a fixed mindset that there isn't anything you will be able to do. People who are hugely insecure perceive, read, interpret and respond to events very differently. You might as well try breaking concrete with a feather.

It needs to come from her. All of it. And if she doesn't want to do that, them you need to walk for your own sanity. It's hugely frustrating! And be prepared for all the self pity in response to that. All you can do is not engage with it.

Totally agree with this.

Don't feed it.

I would think she has low self worth and I think it would be tedious going forward because she will constantly need reassurance. I've had a man (I'm straight) say stuff like this but he ended up cheating on me. Maybe it was self sabotage, hurt them before they hurt me mentality but I found the whole thing baffling. So for me if someone comes up with this sort of comments it gets my back up. She needs to get help for her own issues whether or not you two make it.

Going to be brutal and say as a adult I wouldn't date another person who has no self love. So if this was a 'woe is me' remark as opposed to a random one off comment just meant to be really complimentary, I'd be off.

Unless it was a totally out of character remark and maybe she was just having a really off day or something. Obviously there is a little wiggle room. But someone who doesn't love themselves...need to fix that themselves. You are not a plaster.

I would reassure her and tell her how beautiful she is etc but as one off.

A grown adult shouldn’t need reassuring all of the time and chances are if her self esteem is so low you’re going to say something that she’ll take the wrong way anyway.

I think partners should always compliment their partners but you don’t need to ‘prove’ that you like/love someone with words.

Can you just respond with a joke: "I'm just with you for your money"? Lighten the atmosphere?

Never dated someone with chronic insecurity, have you..? 😉

The problem is that approaches like that don't work with someone who feels that way because, even if they laugh it off at the time, it falls into the 'many a true word spoken in jest', category and will form part of their arsenal of self destruction at some point.

Run. Fast.